WEEeeEe I'm back from my long hiatus!
I sat up quickly in bed and stared into the darkness that surrounded me; I could hear the rapid beating of my heart. I was well aware of the cold sweat that had soaked but all I did was shiver in the cold and wrap myself in my arms. When I curled my body together it was not from the cold weather but rather from the thoughts in my head. As you might assume, I have had a nightmare. Not with blood, death, monsters are anything of that nature but it scared me all the same. Having such a dream meant that such a concept had developed in my mind and I did not want to believe that, not at all. I buried my head in my arms, screaming silently, willing the fragments of the dream that remained in my memory to vanish.
I am walking down a hallway and stop suddenly at a door. It is slightly ajar, making me all the more curious. Slowly and quietly I open the door without making a sound and walk into the room. I can faintly make out two figures on the bed.
I pounded my head with my fists, not wanting to remember any more from that point on… but the memory of the dream continued.
I have vague idea what the two figures are doing and smile smugly to myself. I find myself wondering which is the girl, and if there is going to be any sound. Then I scold myself for thinking such thoughts, although it doesn't help much. I move around cautiously even though I know they cannot see me in this darkness. I sit down and position myself in a spot where I can see everything... and soon it begins.
I looked up into the darkness and opened my mouth to scream, releasing no sound. I twisted and turned in bed to forget and even considered leaving my room. I decided to stay put and with time the memory of the dream picked up right where it stopped.
I can feel my body temperature rising, knowing what was coming next. I see the shadows moving, hear the sheets rustling and faintly I hear them. Slowly I can make out the moans and gasps as the bed springs begin to creak. I see the girl lie down with the boy between her legs. She moans and arches her back as he bends down and I feel my heart skip a beat. Then, I realize something. Her voice... it sounds familiar and strange, somehow it sounds a bit low. Curious, I make my way to the bedside to see who she is.
I hugged my knees to my chest and rock myself back and forth. I unconsciously shake my head as I repeatedly mutter "No…no.." I grab roughly at my hair and clench my hands into fists, frustrated and angry. I wanted to get rid of these thoughts… but for some reason I can't.
I am by the bedside now and I lean down to see the girl's face but I notice something else first. Her chest, it is flat. I am in shock and stare at her flat chest, wondering what this could mean and then it strikes me. This 'her' that I have been looking at was in fact a 'him'. I am at a loss for words and can only stare with my mouth wide open. Unconsciously my eyes travel downwards to confirm my theory of 'her' being a 'him' … and I see it, the thing that confirms it all. My throat feels dry and I back away slowly, but something stops me. Suddenly I want to see who this 'him' is, curiosity holds me back. I gulp and nod to myself and once again walk to the bedside.
At this point I am desperate. I wanted so badly for this dream to stop replaying itself in my mind so I could call it a fluke, but it doesn't. Instead it becomes more vivid with each passing second, leaving me no way to deny this dream I had… these thoughts I have.
In the faint moonlight I can make out the parts of his face one by one: his short and messy brown hair, his brown eyes, a small nose, and a mouth with thin lips that parted as he moans. The feeling that I know him hovers over me. I think frantically of who it might be and glance back at his face for a chance to see it all together. I can hear a distant car approaching and focus on his face, waiting for the headlights to shine through the window. The car passes by and I see a glimpse of this face. But that is enough, enough to scar me for life and frighten me beyond reason. I fall back onto the floor in shock and scream; although in my dream no one but me can hear this ear piercing scream.
I rocked back and fourth on the bed, with more force and speed. Then I slowly began to slow down and buried my head again. I closed my eyes reluctantly and collapsed onto the bed. There was no way of denying it anymore.
I was that boy…
I mean, how could I accept the fact that I might be gay? Being raised and taught by a strict, Christian family… such a thing is too shameful to even think about. As kids, we are bought in a certain way, to see things in a certain way. My parents had drilled it into me that homosexuality is unacceptable and wrong. Even though I can accept that other people are into having partners of the same gender I never thought, even in a million years, that such a concept would develop in my mind. The fact that I might be gay is very shocking to even me and I can't even imagine my parents' reactions if I told them.
I shivered as cold sweat dripped down my body; I hugged my knees and buried my head in my arms. I'm scared because I don't know anything and such an idea is something that I cannot accept, no matter what. I raised my head slowly and took a deep breath, trying to think clearly. Right now I feel so lost and unsure of anything; I have no idea what is going on.
Slowly, I got out of bed and tiptoed to my sister's room. I softly opened the door and peaked in, she was sleeping. I crept into her room and snuck into her bed, waiting for her to wake. I looked around the room and it brought so many sweet memories to my mind, but thinking of the present my smile slowly faded and turned into a frown.
I used to confide in her about everything; we used to be the closet of siblings. Sure, I know brothers and sisters will grow apart with time and become attached to other people…like she did. But that never worked for me. I was never good at making friends and once we started growing apart I was alone more and more; I kept almost all to myself. Other than the few good friends I had managed to make, I was alone. The truth was, I missed her. As a little boy I always thought I'd have a big sister to turn to and I always will, but it's hard to bring some things up. So, not wanting to deal with that, we started talking less and less and just like that the distance between us grew. Even now, I'm unsure if I can still talk to her about everything.
I quietly got up and crept towards the door, as much as I trust her and as much as I need her, I couldn't.
"What," a voice suddenly said, "in the world are you doing in my room in the middle of the night?" I whipped my head around and saw my sister staring at me.
"Uh, we-well," I stuttered, "…Sis."
. "Well, you see Sis…I think, I mean…." I shifted uneasily, trying to think of some excuse.
"Come on Chris I know you have something to say, you might as well tell me!"I sighed and went towards the bed.
"Oh alright then. Well, thing is Sis…I think that I-I- I might be gay." I said the last three words so fast they were barely comprehendible.
"What? You might what? Say it slower." I took a deep breath.
"I think I might be gay." My sister's eyes widened and I looked around the room nervously.
"You think," she said slowly, " that you might be gay." I nodded in response.
My sister stared at me for what felt like eternity, not uttering a word. I avoided her eyes and shifted around nervously on the bed, clutching the sheets tightly.
"So," she said, startling me, "you THINK you might be gay." I nodded again.
"Well, you might be mistaken. You might just be one perverted kid." She laughed and I pouted.
"Sis, that doesn't help me at all."
"Ok. First tell me why you would suddenly have such an idea."
"I had a dream."
I gulped and my face became red with embarrassment as I quickly looked down.
So now, I was supposed to tell my older sister about a dream…in which I was having sex with a boy. Just great.
"Well?" she said, waiting for my reply.
"Uh sis… that's kind of an embarrassing question."
"It was kind of perverted."
"Ok…. Tell me were you on the top or the bottom?"
I looked up into the face of my smiling sister who was having a hard time holding back her giggling; she was teasing me. She knew exactly what was going on but wanted me to say it, she wanted me to make a fool of myself while she sat there laughing her head off.
I threw a pillow at her.
"Arg, sis! Its not funny!"
"Yes it is," she said dodging my throw, "now will you tell me?"
"Well, at least tell me who you dreamed of."
I thought for a while, trying to remember the face of the boy that was with me, but I realized I had never really taken the time to look at him. I had only caught a glimpse of parts of his face, not enough to picture or name anyone. I shook my head and said I had no idea.
"He had dark brown hair, almost black, and brown eyes…"
"And an awesome body."
"Yeah…BUT! That's not the problem! I came here to find out if I was gay or not! Not to drool over some hot boy."
"Psh! Speak for yourself."
"Oh alright. You know, it might be nothing. Just wait to see if you have such a dream again. You could just be bi-curious…either that or porn really has its way with you." I groaned as she joked again.
"You know, whether you are gay or not is not decided on only physical attraction. You have to see what you think inside. Which would you chose to have a relationship with?"
"I honestly… have no idea."
"Well take time to think about it and remember, don't let anyone influence you about this decision. This is something only you have the right to choose."
I nodded and smiled thankfully at her then left and fell asleep as I lay down on my bed.
When I woke up the sheets felt uncomfortable and awkward, they felt sticky… and wet.
I groaned as I realized what had happened. I looked up as the door opened and my sister came in and jumped onto my bed…right on THAT spot. My face flushed a crimson shade as she looked at me and said two words.