i don't think you trust in my self-righteous suicide
i cry when angels deserve to die
in my self-righteous suicide, i cry when angels deserve to die
Father, into your hands i commend my spirit
Father, into your hands -
why have you forsaken me
in your eyes forsaken me
in your thoughts forsaken me
in your heart forsaken me
trust in my self-righteous suicide
i cry when angels deserve to die
(system of a down)

- - - - - - -

((five years old))

every
night
before
she
went
to
bed
( dreaming of e v e r y t h i n g at once )
her
mommy
would
read
her
a
story
from
the
Bible
( her favorite part was when Jesus was born )
and
tell
her
to
pray
( for all the broken dreams & bleeding hearts discarded and dying )
before
she
went
to
sleep.
with her head bowed, and her eyes closed, she would pray for her mommy & daddy & for world peace & for - - -
for the Lord Jesus ( who she loved so very much )
to
always
love
her
( because her mommy would tell her that God loved the world So Much that He sent His only Son to die for everyone
and wash away their sins )
and
after
she
prayed
she would cry herself to sleep.

-

((seven years old))

every
sunday
her
mommy
would
tell
her
to
wear
her
pretty
purple
dress
( with the yellow flowers & lace on the sleeves )
and
black
shoes
and
get
ready
for
church.
(her mommy never told her she looked pretty.)
she
would
sit
and
listen
with - - - - -
her head held high and her hands folded in her lap and her legs crossed and her shoulders back and her eyes wide open and
she would finger the golden cross
around
her
neck
and pray to Jesus
to make her a Good Girl
because she never could pay attention in church
and she knew that was a sin
( and the priest said that sinners burn in hell for all eternity ).
and she loved the Lord Jesus so very much .

-

((ten years old))

she
was
afraid
that
Jesus
wouldn't
love
her
anymore
because - - -
they stared and whispered and she was alone and ugly and lost and confused and something was terribly wrong and she knew she was different from the other smiling laughing pretty girls and she could sense something suffocating and painful growing inside and she didn't know why but
she always felt like she was going to cry
even when her mommy and daddy kissed her goodnight and told her they loved her .
she
was
so
very

afraid
so
every
night
she
prayed
&
prayed
for Jesus
to
make
her
a
Good Girl
( because she was such a sinner and deserved to burn in hell ).

-

((eleven years old))

it
started
on
Easter,
when
with wide eyes
she began to fear
that
the world was going to end
( insides collapsing so afraid can't breathe can't breathe - - )
so
she
went on christian websites while her parents were asleep and talked to all the older people about life & love & hope and learned what the Rapture was and suddenly she realized that she wasn't good enough to be taken up with Jesus into the sky so she prayed & prayed & hurt and hated all the sins that made her insides so filthy so she tried so hard to make God happy and she would cry herself to sleep because i don't want the world to end yet and the people at school would laughlaughlaugh at her because she read books about the apocalypse because she was so afraid and she always wore the cross around her neck and she always paid attention in church and she prayed & prayed for a sign, for something to save her from what was building up inside, but she was still a sinner and God didn't listen so she learned how to Get Into Heaven & on one of the message boards, an older man called her - - - -
one
of
God's
elite

because she wrote about how she loved God so very much
and wanted to spend eternity with him in heaven
and she was still a sinner, so she prayed the rosary every night and read the Bible to her best friend and taught everyone she knew about Jesus' love & God's forgiveness & choked & screamed and everything hurt somehow but she pushed the pain away and focused on Avoiding Temptation &
it all crashed down when her parents saw the websites she had been going to and the books she was reading and they were so upset and angry and she still remembers her mother's false smile and the horror in her grandmother's eyes and they didn't know what was wrong with their daughter, who they never told was beautiful and was such a nice girl, such an angel but not the type who would read about fundamentalist christianity and cry herself to sleep because she was afraid the end of the world was near - - -
she was so afraid and everything hurt so much
&
suddenly
it
was
over.
(but the scars will never fade)

-

((twelve years old))

the
little
girl
died.

(when she fell in love with a whore ((don't say that word)) and decided that she didn't believe in God anymore because she didn't deserve to go to Heaven and she would just ignore it until it went away)

almost
every
night
before
she
went
to
bed
( dreaming of suffocating nightmares & demons & p a i n )
she
would
cut
at
her
legs.
and
after
she
made
everything
better,
she still cried herself to sleep.

-

((thirteen years old))

she decided that she believed in God again
when she started to consider ((don'tsayit-itisn'treal))
s u i c i d e
because she had bled herself away
until there was nothing left.

-

((fourteen years old))

with
a
finger
down
her
throat
and
blood
pouring
down
her
thighs,
Little Girl
decided
that
t h i s
was
the
way
to
( purge her sins & )
get
into
Heaven .
(they tell me i'm dirty, so i'll bleed this away)
father, father,
( she would scream, with the cross making her neck bleed and the tears burning down her face and their words branded into her flesh until she couldn't feel it anymore )
could
you
ever
forgive
me?
(" Little Girl, your guardian angel is dead ")

this just hurt too much to write.

not all of this is true, but most of it is completely real.
i would pray, but not every night, my mother did not read the Bible to me every night, i did not cry myself to sleep, i did not have a cross until i was eleven or wear a dress to church ...
but everything else is the truth.