we could be equal

i wish that things could be instantly fixed when you
admit how much this hurt(s). and i wouldn't hate you
for admitting that this hurt(s) you because in honesty,
i never wanted it to hurt only me. i just want to know
how much it hurts you to see me like this – to see us
like this when we thought that this would never happen
(and i'm sure we never wanted or needed this either).

but would you believe me if i told you that every time
i see you in the hallways of school, a part of me still
wishes that nothing had ever happened? and a part of
me wants to wipe the sadness hidden in your eyes
and remind you of the times that we spent together
in hopes of the smile that i remember all too well.

i never wanted you to suffer from all the things that
i did to myself – all the things that won't disappear
and the things that i can't seem to forget – i only
wanted my scars to show you the truth that i hid
for so long (but you haven't seen them now). and
they tell me that i shouldn't be like this because
you are just an (ex-best) friend (that meant too
much to me apparently) but then again, they try
to understand the reasons why i ble(e)d and no
matter what i do, i can't tell a complete stranger
everything that causes this hurt. and it makes me
laugh when they try to grasp this concept of self-
inflicted pain. (although they don't deserve blame
for wanting and trying to understand the reasons.)

(you don't know how much it hurts me to say that
even after everything we've been through, i miss
you and i think i still need you as friend. it's such
a shame because i ble(e)d for you and i just want
you back – although that could never happen. and
my heart is turning itself against me and telling me
the things that i don't want to hear – because i'm
not so sure if this is really the truth or just another
lie that i'm left to believe in the wake of all the pain.)

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author's note: i don't understand myself anymore. is it wrong to still want to be friends with her after everything we've (i've?) been through? i feel like i'm betraying myself and i think it's only because i want to know what she felt during the times when i felt my worst -- i want to know how she felt, how she feels, and i just want to talk to her... is that wrong? i can't even explain this. i'm surprised that it didn't come out as a big huge rant.