Wild Will and Melissa the Writer vs. Justin and Joan P.S. Ruthless Roy
Jill was a short blonde girl, the kind that made you jealous. It wasn't because Jill was pretty. It was because she had style and confidence. This caused a problem for Maria because she only saw Jill's bad qualities. Jill was extroverted, loud, lively, the parallel opposite of Maria. Maria was tall, kind of frumpy, sarcastic and witty, with a mean streak.
Then there was Jack he was the male version of Jill. He annoyed Melissa I mean Maria by he constant points about the Australian way, which really wasn't the way. It was peanut butter on stale bread.
Now Jack liked Jill. Maria unfortunately kind of liked Jack, but not really. Jack and Jill made Maria's life miserable. Jack and Jill had to go she needed a problem solver. A problem solver helped, listened and anything and everything was solved.
It was late Saturday afternoon. Maria was slumped in the chair by the telephone. Jill lay on the couch beside her while Jack attempted to be nice to Melissa I mean Maria out of politeness, but his intentions were for Jill. Today was the day Maria had enough. She picked up the telephone. She dials inconspicuously as not to let Jack and Jill know what she was up too.
She dials 1-800-I-NEED-HELP-RIGHT-NOW
The operator comes on.
"Welcome to problem solvers network. How can we help you?"
"If you want to solve a garbage problem press33998723, if you have a miscellaneous problem to press 2798665, if you have a love problem press one , if you have a fat problem press 3000 three times.."
Obviously Maria had a miscellaneous problem not a love problem, but she was too lazy to press 2798665 so she pressed 1. Across town a pink light flashes, "beep, beep, beep"
"Oh no it's a love problem," said Carma a chubby girl with brown hair and eyes.
"Grr…," said Wild Will, a beastly Rottweiler. "I hope I don't have to eat a blonde again, you know how they upset my stomach."
"Oh Wild Will, just threaten to eat her. She'll get the message.
"'Nah I'll send Ruthless Roy."
Ruthless Roy was Wild Wills little brother. He was ten times more vicious and when he says he'll eat you he actually will.
"Beep, beep, beep."
"Answer the problem already," said Carma.
"Fine," said Wild Will. "Don't order me or I will eat you."
"Oh Wild Will you're one of a kind," said Carma she flashes a smile.
"Put the speaker on," Wild Will commanded.
"Hello," said a child like voice.. "I have a problem."
"What is it?" said Wild Will. "You better not be another eight year old."
"I'm twenty one," she replied. "My problem is I am kind of sort of having problems with my flatmates they are getting on my nerves."
"Elaborate," said Wild Will.
"Well one is in love with himself and the other she won't shut up. She talks when I am talking, when no one is talking, when everyone is talking and its always about total shit."
Carma rolls her eyes. Good grief she thought why doesn't she just move out?
"She already did," said the writer. "This story takes place before she moves out, before her friends go insane."
"What?" said Carma she looks around the office.
"Ummm…. Disregard that last comment," said the writer. "The voice you are hearing is just a figment of your imagination. Oooooohhhhhh, P.S. Ruthless Roy."
"Wow that is a problem," said Wild Will. "I'll be on my way. By the way who am I speaking with?"
"Melissa I mean Maria."
Wild Will hangs up the phone he turns to Carma. She sits at the desk forlorn and bored.
"Page Ruthless Roy. Tell him I am waiting for him at back entrance," said Wild Will.
"What about John and Joe?" asked Carma.
"Screw them!" said Wild Will. "John has taken Joe to Vancouver so Joe can learn to speak Canadian."
"Oh, can I come," said Carma.
"No Carma you have to be bilingual," said Wild Will. "I'm going to Australia. You can't go there speaking Canadian can you?"
"But I am sick of waiting here at the office," said Carma.
"Well what happens if my friend Frostbite shows up or Reds parents," said Wild Will. "Someone has to tell them about the giraffe."
"You're a jack ass," said Carma.
"What? Two minutes ago. I was one of kind, now I am a jack ass?" said Wild Will.
"You're a one of kind jack ass," said Carma.
Wild Will starts to get annoyed. "Fine! I'm a one of a kind jack ass." He trots out and laughs evilly, "Mwhahahahahahah!"
Carma stands there at the desk. She pouts.
"WILD WILL I QUIT!"
"FINE!" said Wild Will from the hallway, "but before you go tell Ruthless Roy to meet me at the back entrance."
"FINE!" she screams.
A moment has passed Carma is still fuming, yet she calls Ruthless Roy.
"Heloooo," said Ruthless Roy.
"Wild Will wants you to meet him at the back entrance," said Carma. She hangs up the phone. She has done her part. Now she shall leave never to be seen again….or so she thinks.
"Why does Wild Will want me?" said Ruthless Roy.
There was silence.
"Hello?" he said.
Still silence. Now Ruthless Roy wasn't stupid so he figured he should hightail it to the back entrance.
He arrives at the back entrance. Wild Will is waiting for him.
"Hello," said Wild Will.
"What is it this time?" Ruthless Roy growled evilly.
"Love problem I think it calls for Lunch disposal."
"Wonderful," said Ruthless Roy.
Wild Will and Ruthless Roy strap on their jet packs and blast of the silver platform. The sky zips by them, flying around buildings as they wiz by. The Rottweilers arrive at an ugly bungalow. They knock on the door they figure rudeness was necessary for a love problem. The reason: Wild Will and Ruthless Roy knock on the door is because people have to stop what they are doing to answer it, which the rottweilers interpreted as rude.
"Hello?" said a voice. The door creaks opens.
"Hallo you're so pretty," said Wild Will.
"Yes so very pretty," said Ruthless Roy.
Jill burst into tears and then screams. For Wild Will ugly meant pretty and pretty meant ugly, but that wasn't the reason. The reason Jill was crying and screaming? To her rottweilers whether they talk or not, meant death pain and humiliation. She once had a bad run in with a rottweiler named Glumps, who bit her and ran off with her pet rabbit Toby.
"Curse you Glumps," she screams.
"May we please come in?" said Wild Will rudely.
The door slams in their faces.
"Ahhhha, rotty's are evil and rude and scary ahhha," said Jill.
"Alright, that was not nice. Let us in," said Wild Will.
The door opens. It was Melissa, I mean Maria. She stands there gleefully.
"You must be Wild Will?" she said.
"Melissa?" said Wild Will. "Not again. I have had enough of you and your A.E.S.M. friends."
"For purposes only known to the writer and her A.E.S.M friends, my name is Maria."
"Why?" said Wild Will.
"Because the writer said so," said Melissa. She is holding a notepad and pen. She looks at it.
"What I am not the writer." She tosses the notepad and pen, a dozen vicious rats come and tear the notepad a part. The pen rolls under the wicker couch.
"Psst. Writer," said Ruthless Roy.
"Yes," said the writer, who was really Melissa, but is known as Maria.
"What's the A.E.S.M?"
"The Alien Ethnic Society and Melissa," said Melissa.
"OK writer what is Jill's real name?" said Ruthless Roy.
"Joan," said Melissa.
"Ah ha," said Wild Will. "Now I know why you wrote short blonde and annoying."
"Ummm…I'm not the writer," said Melissa, known as Maria.
Joan I mean Jill can be hear sobbing in the background.
"Ahhhha rotty's scare me."
"Stop calling us rottys. We're called rottweilers," said Wild Will, "or I will eat you."
"Aren't you a vegetarian?" said Maria.
"Who told you that?" said Wild Will.
"The writer…I mean John," said Maria.
"John?" said Wild Will. "He is such a useless character."
"Since I am talking to the writer…" started Wild Will.
"I'M NOT THE WRITER!" said Melissa I mean Maria.
She throws the note pad and pen across the room. They bounce of the wall, the note book kills the rats.
"Alright, lets get this over with," said Wild Will. "Maria likes Jack but, Jack likes Jill."
"Jill also gets on Maria's nerves," added Ruthless Roy.
"That's exactly it," said Maria. "Except I don't like Jack"
"Who would?" said Wild Will. "By the way is Jack's name Justin?"
"Uh…yes, but for reasons only known to the writer, his name is Jack."
"So why is he wearing a shirt that says Justin?" said Ruthless Roy.
"Because he is umm," said Maria. "Gosh I have no idea why. I don't remember writing that…I mean he is an idiot."
"No I'm not an idiot. My name is Justin," said Jack.
"No its Jack."
"OK why is it Jack?"
"Because the writer says so, she is the creator of this universe and she can do what ever she wants including naming you Jack and Joan Jill. One more peep out of you and I'll make so Ruthless Roy eats both of you and have an insane polar bear come and destroy this obscenely ugly house with a chain saw."
"Not the writer eh?" said Ruthless Roy.
"Noooo," said Maria. "She's a…hey look over there!" She runs over to the table and starts to write on her laptop a horribly hilarious scene in which Jack and Jill meet their demise on a hill and Ruthless Roy comes after them."
"Hey writer!" said Wild Will. "Can you un-create Joe?"
"Noooo, I like Joe," said Melissa, yes Melissa not Maria.
"Can you un-create Chris?" said Wild Will.
"Noooo, he's a real person and my friend so piss off!"
"What's going on here?" said Jack, ah forget it Justin.
"Make the rottys leave," said Joan.
"Noooo," said Melissa. "I'm the writer. I'll do what I want too. I mean I am not the writer."
"What a second…are you making fun of us?" said Justin.
He reads Melissa's story over her shoulder. She slams her arms over her laptop protectively.
"Haven't you ever heard of privacy Mr. I read peoples journals and MSN conversations," said Melissa. "That's right Joan. He read your journal. Mwhahahahahahahaha!"
Ruthless Roy and Wild Will look at Justin. Geeze he is dumb thought Ruthless Roy. Iucking fidiot, thought Wild Will.
"Noooo," I didn't," said Justin.
"Mel…why are you writing a mean story about us? I thought you were are friend," said Joan.
"Stop reading my note book," said Melissa. "I'm not the writer."
She pushes her laptop off the table it lands with a clunk on the stone floor. It bursts into flames.
"Really, it's pretty evident that you are," said Wild Will.
"Shut up!" said Melissa. "Or I will find a way to write Chris in the story."
"You write him in and I'll eat you," said Wild Will.
"Mel…" said Joan.
"ITS MELISSA It's only three syllables its not that hard to say. I don't want to be called Mel," said Melissa. "No keep quiet or I have you turn a wild bore with no sense of smell and a love of curious cats."
"Yeah," said Wild Will. "Call her Melissa or Ruthless Roy will eat you."
"Yeah," said Ruthless Roy. "I will eat you."
"Listen," said Justin. "Aussies abbreviate names. Everyone calls people named Melissa…Mel."
"Yeah and most Aussies are smart enough to listen when someone says they don't want to be called Mel," said Melissa. "Like Amy and Chris."
Chris, Melissa's elusive friend waltz's in the door."
"Hi Melissa," he said.
She starts to go up the stairs.
"Nooooo Chris!" said Wild Will. "He torments me, my rottweiler soul howls in pain."
"CK, CK!" said Joan.
"Uh Chris, what are you doing here?" said Melissa. She looks around inconspicuously.
"Who is Chris?" said Ruthless Roy.
Melissa shows Ruthless Roy a story about Chris in another notebook.
"Oh OK," he replied.
"Umm I don't know. Hey look over there." Chris runs out the door.
Ruthless Roy looks at Melissa. "I'm confused why did he just show up?"
"I don't know," said Melissa. "I am just showing how powerful I am as the writer."
"So you are the writer," said Wild Will.
"Yes I am the writer," said Melissa. "But don't tell anyone or I will erase you from existence."
"All hale the great writer," said Ruthless Roy.
"Stop it," "said Melissa. "I get embarrassed when people praise me."
"Umm…I'm a rottweiler," said Ruthless Roy.
"Ah yes them too," said Melissa.
"Would you hurry up and end this story," said Wild Will. "I'm hungry I eat writers. Grrrr…"
"Noooo, you don't," said Melissa. "Wild Will does not eat writers because without a writer there be no Wild Will."
"Fair enough," said Wild Will, "Mommy."
"OK I will end the story but not before I tell Joan that…" said Melissa. "Wait a second did you just call me Mommy?"
"Tell me what?" said Joan.
"That no one likes you. Ahhahahahaha," said Wild Will. "How's that Mommy. Am I being meaner now?"
"Uh yes perfectly mean," said Melissa. "Thank you Wild Will. I mean my surrogate character in the form of a rottweiler."
"Yes they do," said Joan. "I have heaps of friends."
Joan looks like she is on the brink of tears.
"I don't believe you," Joan shouts. She cries uncontrollably, while Justin is stands in the room dumbfounded.
"OK, so how does this wonderfully mean story end Mommy?" said Wild Will. He grins happily.
"Ummm…like this," said Melissa. "Justin. Joan. Run!"
"Why Mel why?" Joan whines in a high pitch. The rottweilers howl in pain. Sorry rottweilers that's just how it has to be.
The sinister Ruthless Roy has had enough of Justin and Joan. So he and Wild Will chase them to a hill. They go tumbling down a hill like Jack and Jill and Ruthless Roy goes running after them. The end. Oh yes and Frostbite, Wild Wills elusive polar bear friend came to destroy the ugly house with a chainsaw. He brings a friend, a friend named Chris.
"Noooo," said Wild Will. "You stole my friend."
"Yes, yes I did," said Chris. "The writer convinced me it was good."
"Curse you Melissa the Writer," said Wild Will. "I am going to eat you."