Conversation

"Good morning, darling! Did you have a good night's sleep?"

"Must you open the blinds…?"

"Aw, Jane, honey, you're far too grumpy in the morning. Sunshine makes you shine!"

"Mom, you're like this commercial voice or something for sunshine. Seriously, can I mute you?"

"Shush, now. It's a beautiful Sunday morning. You should be out there exercising instead of being cooped up in your room, playing the computer all day like you always do."

"Exercise is for suckers."

"But those suckers you speak of will live till they're ninety years old, while you'll have a heart attack at age fifty, and live for maybe a few more years, suffering in a nursing home. You'll only be able to talk in fragments, and you won't be able to walk. You'll be in bed all day with no say on what they feed you with or what type of medicine they give you. Your children will be too busy with work and their families to come visit you and your grandchildren will be disgusted by all the medicine and old people smell. You wouldn't want that, now would you?"

"Gee, Mom, thanks for the pep talk. That so makes me want to run around in sunshine feeling happy."

"You're too cynical for your own good."

"Mom, cynical people are people who hate life. I don't hate life. I'm perfectly fine with it. In fact, I love life."

"Well! That's good to hear."

"But you know what would make me love life even more?"

"What's that, dear?"

"If I could have just a few more minutes of sleep. With the blinds closed, please."

"That's not working, Jane. I command you to run around in sunshine."

"That sounded weird."

"Get up, Jane."

"If this is a battle of wills, I'm going to win, Mom. I'm a teenager with raging hormones. I think all the practice I have in those battles of wills with my English teacher and that stupid, stuck up Courtney Lenn have caused me to be a much better soldier when it comes to the will."

"Courtney Lenn is not stuck up, nor is she stupid."

"Oh, but she so is."

"Jane! That's a horrible thing to say!"

"So is, 'I command you to run around in sunshine'. Seriously, Mom."

"No, what I said was weird, not mean."

"Uh, sometimes, weird things are horrible. Like that creepy kid next door. Ten years old and I think he's smarter than Bill Gates."

"He's a prodigy. He's a respected boy in society."

"I'll bet he gets beaten the crap out of in school."

"Jane Jones Meadows, don't you dare use that kind of language ever again! And those bullies will be working for him when he runs the world. He's so smart- he's probably smarter than some of the kids in your high school."

"Smarter than Courtney Lenn, no doubt."

"Jane!"

"I'm just saying the truth."

"How come you hate her so much? She's such a nice girl. I'll bet she's out there exercising right now."

"Or getting knocked up like the slut she is."

"Jane!"

"What?"

"Don't give me that innocent look! She's only sixteen- she can't possibly be getting 'knocked up'. I'll give you all my pearl earrings if she isn't a virgin."

"Oh, wow, Mom. You must have been really oblivious in high school."

"I wasn't oblivious. I was quite popular and I knew all the going-ons in school."

"Mmm-hmm, what clubs were you in?"

"Chess and math."

"No wonder."

"Excuse me?"

"You were a nerd. I should have known. You're far too naïve. Did you know that a girl in senior class got pregnant just last month? And guess what? She was a cheerleader."

"One bad apple doesn't make the whole barrel rotten."

"But we aren't talking about apples. We're talking about cheerleaders."

"What made you this way? Television? Have you been watching 'Desperate Housewives'?"

"'Desperate Housewives' doesn't have cheerleaders in them. It has freaky old ladies."

"They're not freaky old ladies. They're pretty."

"Oh, right. Wrinkles and bad bleached hair translates into pretty these days?"

"I'll have you know I watch that show religiously every week."

"Mom. You watch everything on television."

"Now, that's an exaggeration. I have never watched Telemundo."

"Are you kidding me?! I was just saying it suggestively. You don't have to take me so seriously. There's this thing called sarcasm. Maybe you've heard of it in 'Grey's Anatomy'?"

"Oh, where did I go wrong?"

"Stop watching those soap operas, Mom. I'll bet you got that quote off from there."

"I did! How did you know?"

"…Gee."

"Gee?"

"Gee."

"What's gee?"

"It's… It's like, golly!"

"Golly?"

"Golly, mister! From Superman?"

"Oh. I never watched that."

"You've never watched Superman?"

"Well, it never really did strike my interest."

"Oh my gosh. Superman is… it's LEGEND! Not watching Superman… is… is like being a virginized cheerleader!"

"Jane, that's hardly an analogy."

"That's beside the point. Superman is just… It's just… Too awesome to be ignored!"

"How did this conversation turn from sunshine to Superman?"

"Well, Superman gets his power from the sun. Duh, Mom."

"Thank god your personality comes from your dad's side of the family. You have my looks."

"I look nothing like you."

"Yes, you do."

"I have black hair. You have blonde."

"But you dyed your hair."

"Only because I didn't want to look like a dumb whore."

"Blonde does not make you a dumb whore. I wasn't a 'dumb whore' in high school."

"Mom, this is the 21st century. You were stuck in the 20th century. See, 21st even has the st."

"I don't see your point in the st thing."

"Bleh."

"Courtney Lenn is a brunette."

"Ah, but she's not a dumb whore. She's a manipulative whore."

"I'll have you know I'm very good friends with her mother. Courtney is a very nice girl."

"She killed Miranda Lynne's reputation last week."

"Who?"

"Miranda Lynne, the school president. She was getting to be higher in the social pyramid than Courtney, so Courtney threw a party, and she caught drunk Miranda Lynne making out with an unknown girl with a video camera she just 'so happened to have as she stormed into her parent's bedroom'. Now that Miranda Lynne is a lesbian, Courtney has more social control than ever."

"A lesbian… Wow… In high school, no less…"

"Gayness is very common in high school."

"Oh really? Then why did this Miranda Lynne get her reputation wrecked for it?"

"Because, Mom, she is the school president! On top of the social pyramid, unless you're in the Gay Group, you can never, ever show any homosexuality."

"I don't know how you and those teenagers in your school got so stereotypical."

"Mom, high school stereotypes are black and white. It's a known fact. The cheerleaders and jocks come first. The smart, beautiful, athletic people are next, followed by the smart and beautiful, athletic and beautiful, or smart and athletic. Then comes the beautiful people, then the athletic people. Finally, at the low, low part of the pyramid comes the smart people."

"Where are you, then?"

"I'm kind of under the pyramid. Like, in the dirt."

"That can't be true! You're pretty and you're smart, and you're quite athletic."

"Actually, Mom, I'm plain, I have straight Bs, and I'm not athletic. Like, at all."

"Your self-esteem is pretty low."

"I'm not a cheerleader, Mom. Of course my self-esteem is low."

"What a sad child I have. You know what would make you happier?"

"Running around in sunshine?"

"Exactly."

"Fine. I'm going to the bathroom to do my morning stuff."

"Good, honey!"

"Yup."

"H-Hey. Why are you taking a pillow in there? Open the door, Jane! Are you sleeping in there?! OPEN THE DOOR, JANE! RIGHT THIS INSTANT! Don't you dare ignore me!"


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