She never remembered breathing as she slowly opened the wrought iron gate, closing it behind her with only a small pink as the lock caught. For only a few seconds she stopped and made sure the coast was still clear, her target hardly in sight as the night wrapped around the houses in front of her. With one last hope that she was doing the right thing she headed towards their meeting spot. He was already there, a mere shadow under a low street lamp, brushing his hair away from her eyes and bouncing on the balls of his feet up until the moment he saw her. Then he stood completely still, other than a quick nod. They exchanged no words as he took her hand and lead her up onto the curb and through his garden gate, into the shadows of his backyard. Through the night they could hear an owl and the sound of their feet squishing in the deep mud of his backyard, but no voices. Neither of them talked in fear of disturbing the peace that had wound it's way around them both. It was simpler that way, not talking led to not thinking and no conflict. Mostly, since whenever he screwed up, which was a lot lately, she found herself hating him even more. There was no specific reason as to why she had come there tonight, not knowing what had compelled her to finally say yes after months of asking. It felt right in a lot of ways, but there was a feeling of doom, this night might not end well. She just wished that she knew what the feeling of foreboding doom meant exactly. While she was lost in thought he suddenly stopped and it took her a minute to realize it.
"You said you'd do it in the backyard." He was motioning towards his crotch and she remembered her promise, to blow him in the backyard. Their first words exchanged were not the one's she'd been hoping for.
"No, we might get caught, let's go to your room." Nervousness suddenly washed over her, what had she gotten herself into? And if she did give him a blow job how did you actually give one? Her palms felt a bit slick and she laughed awkwardly, playing with the scrunchie in her hair and pulling it tighter. He didn't take her hand again as he led her through a sliding glass door and into her bedroom. A cushy wrought iron poster bed lay in front of her, fluffy white sheets opened so that she could crawl right in like she was tempted to. But she wasn't sure what to do, which lead to her banging her rings against the metal. A feeling of great awkwardness and resentment swept over her. Why was she here? He had a girlfriend who probably was wondering why he wasn't online or was wondering why everything felt strange recently. He was neglecting his girlfriend and she was the reason, she was the other woman. For some reason realizing this also made her realize she had one chance to ruin the thing he had used against her so many times before. She climbed onto his bed and laid down, crossing her arms and looking at him. Although she was determined to get revenge she didn't know what to do.
"What am I supposed to be doing?"
"Do you remember all those texts we've been exchanging?" A small grin graced his lips and she felt her stomach flip.
"Do whatever you did in those." He reached over to switch off the lights and darkness separated them. "Should I leave this on?" A computer monitor was directly facing them and he was pointing at it, it would provide a dull light to make this a bit less awkward than it already was. In response she merely nodded her head and removed her jacket, throwing it near a pair of shoes that were sitting at the edge of the closet. After switching it back on he climbed into bed with her, his eyes continuously blinking as he stared at her.
"How about you give me that strip tease you promised?" She knew why he was blinking, he was as nervous as she was. He'd let her in for one reason and she'd come here for some reason, but the moment was all wrong, something made her feel so dirty and wrong being in this bedroom, even though she's wanted to return to it since 7 months ago in November. There was a score to settle and she realized the only thing she could do was hope her resentment would die down as she took off her shirt, curiously looking down at him from her position, sitting up on her knees. For some strange reason, she forgot that the moment would be less awkward if she rested on top of him, straddling his waist. Instead she just stood here, staring at him, the resentment returning again.
"What the fuck do I do? Huh? What the fuck am I supposed to be doing?" She felt desperate, sitting in someone else's boyfriend's room with her shirt off. She was pleading with him to fix this, make her forget how wrong she felt. If only he'd reach out and touch her, show some sort of affection. A sigh of frustration escaped her lips as he glared up at her.
"What do you mean what the fuck do you do? Just do whatever you want." They were both resentful of the entire situation. He was resentful that his relationship wasn't working and she was resentful about his whole relationship in general. There was no easy way out of this, someone had to do something. But neither of them moved towards each other, she leaned backwards, her butt resting on her feet.
"Just kiss me, if you want to fix this just kiss me. I just can't make the first move. I've never tried and I'm too nervous to." She was desperately pleading with him, not only to kiss her but to love her. Neither plea would be received, her please never were with him. They were lost on him. The entire thing felt like a downward spiral, especially when his head cocked to the side and he looked at her as if she'd just slapped him across the face.
"This just isn't working and I have to get up early in the morning, how about we just try this tomorrow. My Mom will be gone for a few hours and maybe if she's gone this will work better." She wanted to resist, but he was right.
"So you're throwing me out?"
"No, I didn't say that. Listen, you're just making this worse. Come on, get dressed." With a feeling of great shame she got off the bed and put her shoes and shirt back on. She started towards him before realizing her keys were on his dresser, she turned back and grabbed them, laughing quietly at her mistake. "Do you have everything?"
"Yes. Thanks." He started back on the path they came from, as they were heading back through the gate she worked up the courage to talk. "Do you hate me?"
"No." For a slight second she thought he said yes, her breathe stopping in response, until he turned around and smiled at her. Maybe they'd get over this, maybe it just wasn't that bad. When they got onto the street they brushed against each other and he silently smiled at her for the first time all night, a real genuine smile and she wasn't sure why. "I couldn't hate you."
"Why do you even like me?" She felt her blush red as she asked, afraid to hear the answer to the question that gnawed at her every time they talked.
"I have my reasons baby, I'll tell you someday, I have a plan." He put his arm around her and squeezed her tight, a smile graced her lips as he did so. They continued through the gate and down the hill to her car. A streetlight shone down on them at the end of the hill, the curve ending exactly where they stood. He leaned over and kissed her cheek and said goodnight. As he started to walk away she called his name, making a pouting face as he turned away. She still hadn't gotten what she'd come here for.
"What are you doing? That face is weird."
"I want a real kiss." Without a word he walked over and gave her a quick kiss before starting back up his hill, walking backwards.
"I'll text you tomorrow, okay? Goodnight"
"Please don't say you're going to and then not."
"Goodnight." She smiled brightly as she got into her car, she was getting a second chance to fix that awkward night and she'd gotten the kiss she's craved.
But he never texted.