OMG! Becoming Totally Popular on Fictionpress
Warning: This guide will make fun of you a lot. And if you review me saying "OMG! I hate you! I am not an idiot or a wannabe, and your guide doesn't even work!", I will have lost all faith in humanity's ability to comprehend sarcasm.
Alright, so you read some totally awesome fiction and poetry on this website. And you seen how many reviews some authors get for a single haiku.
"Oh. My. Goodness. Just look at that. Fifty-one reviews for a single haiku." You say, eyes scanning the page.
Of course, being the complete wanna-be you are, you do not realize this author gets fifty-one reviews for a haiku because he or she has made him or herself popular by writing other works, such as that BIG, GIGANTIC, BRILLIANT novel sitting in that corner over there.
So, you decide you want to be popular like this person, for no reason whatsoever other than attention.
Let's get started, shall we?
Lesson 1: Your Username
Now, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with your username, kawa11nek0241!. We just need a bit more eyecandy, that's all.
For the angsty writer:
Have your username contain any or all of the words following: dark, tragedy, hurt, angst, pain, heartbreak, blood, tears, choke, choking, death, dying, goth, emo. Any other words associated with sadness is okay too.
For the literary writer:
Make up a cute penname like I.M. Awesome, or U.R. Notascoolasme. Like the woman who wrote Harry Potter, right?
For the other sorts of poetry writer:
Have your penname contain any or all of the following: flower, rainbow, raindrop, mist, fairy, pixie, innocent, Britney Spears, pink, sugar, cream, cloud, sky, baby. Any other overly sweet or fluffy word is okay too. Then, add a '-chan' onto your name.
For the 'Most Likely to be Stalked' writer:
Use your real name. For kicks, put your full address--that means zip code, city, state, etc.--on your profile. And maybe a few pictures, just for fun.
Lesson 2: Getting Some Writing Up
Well, before you can get some reviews (thus making you totally popular), you need to have some writing! Here's a way to instantly generate writing.
My blood is staining
the (adjective) (adjective) (noun) (Note, this must be seven syllables if you follow the regular haiku rules)
oh, I am unclean.
Tears fall onto (one-syllable-noun)
I wish my heart didn't hurt.
It is so broken.
Fluffy (color) bunnies
foaming at the mouth, i think
they want to kill me.
Sunny day, bright sky
green grass, chocolate ice cream,
i like this. (animal) poops.
But of course, if this gets tiring after a while, here's...The Ultimate Writing Secret.
Simple. Go around, find poetry and writing that you like...and then post it as your own.
To express it simply:
good writing + your account + new title + change the character's name equals REVIEWS!
So, find a fic, change the characters' names around a bit, maybe the name of the place...and the title.
As for poetry, cut out the AN and the 'by author's name here', put in a few more adjectives, and smack a 'by kawaiineko' onto it.
Lesson 3: What Will You Have to Do to be Popular?
Let's review some of the traits some of the most popular writers share.
1. They go around reading and reviewing other people's work.
2. They're well-known by writers of a certain genre for an accomplishment, or perhaps as an active member of the community.
3. They write brilliantly.
Obviously, number 3 takes too much effort, and number 2 also takes some effort. Number 1, however, takes the least effort of all.
So, this is what you do.
Pick a category in either Fiction or Poetry (preferably poetry) and start selecting random posts, clicking the review buttons, and pasting in the review one of the following phrases.
1. OMG! Your poem ROX! Please review mine!
2. OMG! Your fic ROX! Please review mine!
3. OMG! Your writing ROX! Please review mine!
Then do it until you've gone through lots and lots of poems/stories. Expect a lot of reviews to pop up in your inbox. Even if they're
bad, SOME people will fall for your stolen writing and thus become raving fans of yours. This is crucial to the next lesson.
Lesson 4: Handling Reviews
Most of the time you'll get good reviews for your (stolen) work, but sometimes, someone will start to criticize your wonderful haiku. This is what to do.
Make a new account under a stupid name, and have that account flame all their work.
Then, go back to your regular account and reply. Say that you're thankful for the criticism, and that you'll keep it in mind.
Then use their review for fish wrap.
Other uses include:
1. Pooper Scooper
2. 'Mom, the bad review ate my homework!'
3. Shred the review. You can use it as seasoning when you become a cannibal after being stranded in the Black Sea with your friends.
Oh, and if someone says they want to 'burn you at the stake', ignore it. You know how other people are bad at expressing theirselves (because, of course, you are AWESOME). They probably meant, "I want to cook you a marshmallow at the campfire."
Lesson 5: What to Do if You Get Found Out
Everyone knows that if it's really good writing, people are bound to read it a lot. So, if it happens that a person who reviews your work actually wrote the piece in mind, it's time to put those raving fans to use.
When someone criticizes or tells people it's not your work, gather up all your raving fans, and set them on that person. If you're lucky, they'll start flaming all their work and you can escape while they're attacking the wrong person. Purchasing a bomb shelter beforehand is a good idea, too.
Announce that Fictionpress is a horrible, horrible place with uncaring people and leave. Your raving fans will beg for you to come back, sacrificing themselves and the people who criticized/flamed you. More and more reviews will stack up in your inbox.
Then come back a week later, announcing that you feel loved enough to continue writing.
The End: Congratulations!
You are now a certified writing thief! Loooooook at all your reviews! Don't care that it's not even your writing they're praising! Just one thing though--never, ever put up your own writing. The difference between the quality is too noticable.
Tell me if the guide works! (And I'll report you, but you always ignore the things in parantheses, don't you, kawa11nek0241!?)