Things changed just like that. Not just with what happened. The way people treated me changed within a second. People avoided me because they didn't know what to say to me. At school it was like I had become invisible. Everyone knew what happened but no one would speak about it. No one ever brought it up. At least they had that much respect. They told everyone that asked about me though that I was the social outcast so the people that didn't know didn't have that respect and just made fun of me anyway. Been popular meant that the popular people, even though they had the respect not to mention it they still laughed at the sick jokes. I made my day into a routine just so I could get through it though.
Life at the moment is just a constant struggle. It's like my body is fighting with itself. Part of it wants to just give in. It's been 3 months since he died. Since then I have fallen apart. I've developed an eating disorder and have started self harming as it's the only way that I feel that I can cope. The inside and the outside of my body disagree with each other. That night plays through my mind like a video. I can't write down the event though. I'm not strong enough to remember enough to write it down. If I did now I would just break down. Have to go now though, mom is calling me. I'll write again later.
"Jessica…." My mom shouted.
I didn't answer as I just lay on my bed silently wishing that she'd give up. And she did. I sighed with relief. She had learnt to stop calling me for dinner. I looked around. I could here my younger brother and sister running around the house laughing. They're twins. Only 6 years old. They don't understand what's happened. They just know that 'daddy has gone' as my mother puts it. I lay there silently for a while until I heard a knock at the door.
"Jess its me…" He sighed.
It was Callum, my older brother. He was 19. I was 15. He knew that I was the one most affected by the accident. I was there when it happened. I was the closest to dad. I should have been the one that died.
"Can I come in?" He asked.
"Sure." I muttered.
Callum opened the door and walked inside sitting on the bed beside where I lay. He looked at me. Callum had mom's appearance. Blonde hair, blue eyes…He looked almost like her just with the male qualities. I on the other hand looked like a mirror image of dad. Callum knew that he couldn't talk about him in front of me. He knew I hadn't come to terms with it all yet. I'd just got out of hospital. What I described to you before is what had happened in my coma but I'll explain that to you later on.
"Come on you have to eat…"
I shook my head silently.
"Please Jess, for me…I need you to eat for me."
I looked at Callum. He had a painful look in his eyes that I couldn't quite understand. It reminded me of a sad puppy but at the same time it was on a more serious note than the whole 'puppy dog eyes' note.
I swallowed and finally nodded. He smiled a little.
"That's my little Soldier…"
Those words felt like a knife had gone through me at that point. Callum and dad both had sayings for me. Dad's would be "That's my girl…" and Callum's was "That's my Soldier."
Some people would think I was too old for that now but it was something said out of habit from when we were kids and now we didn't want to let that memory go. But the memory was painful that we wanted to let go of it at the same time. That was the start of life without our father.