The Spork Method: How To Get Rid of Those Pesty Mary Sues

I have a dream. In it, I rule the world with my faithful cheese-puff companions and I am allowed to throw knives at people without being carted off to an asylum.

But my possible insanity is not the point right now.

Over the past few months, I have noticed that there has been a buildup of Mary Sues in many fandoms on the most recently infested one being Yu-Gi-Oh! GX. And I want to be able to happily browse stories without stumbling upon (oh the horror)

"Hi! I'm Sakura Sapphire Ruby Diamond Jade Amethyst Tenshi, and I'm way awesomer than that lame old Sakura Haruno!" She introduced herself. She had gorgeous purple eyes and rainbow hair and curves in all the right places. Instantly both Naruto and Sasuke fell in love with her.

"Oh, Sakura Sapphire Ruby Diamond Jade Amethyst Tenshi! I love you!" Sasuke sighed, with dreamy eyes. "You're so perfect with your violet eyes and your multi-colored hair! I love you so much!" Naruto said the same.

Sickening, isn't it? And that's actually better than most of them, considering 1) I used good spelling and grammar, 2) I did not proclaim that I would not continue until I got a hundred or more reviews, and 3) I used the right names, no fangirl language, and no fangirl Japanese.

I'm sure most of you fanfiction-writer-turned-fictionpress know what I mean. For those of you who don't, head over to Wikipedia, type in Mary Sues, and prepare to be horrified. Keep a bucket and a glass of water nearby for retching.

In order to fight this growing disease, I have created an entirely new occupation, incredibly fun, and incredibly satisfying. Although this does not pay (unless the Mary Sue is filthy rich, then you can take her money and jewels) teenagers and adults alike will take great happiness in this job. The name of this occupation? A Mary Sue Hunter (sporks not included).

I'm sure you have heard of 'sporks' before if you are a regular internet forum browser, or have failed third grade eight times and is still in elementary school. Sporking is used as a form of teasing - often people 'spork' each other. I discovered this method from a forum on Artemis Fowl, which is a fandom especially liked by Mary Sues. The forumers joked about 'sporking' the Mary Sues and using sporks to fight off Mary Sues.

As far as explaining goes, it's simple.

Action 1: Pick up a spork. Plain white ones work, but you may decorate yours with glitter or stickers or "I Hate Mary Sue" signs as you wish.

Action 2: Find a Mary Sue. Beat down on it. First scoop out its hideous eyes, and then begin stabbing the body, which should be dead by now.

Action 2 (alternative): Brandishing a spork threateningly, criticize the character (and maybe the story/plot) thoroughly. The Suethor should be too frightened of your sporky-awesomeness to fight back.

Action 3: Mark down a tally on your newly made "Mary Sues Killed" list. If you have time, beat down on the Suethor too.

These actions should efficiently destroy the Mary Sue and/or the Suethor's ego. Take caution when gauging out their eyes, as various bodily fluids will fly out. Do not let those fluids touch you. They are harmful to your brain and whatever writing skills you may have, and also quite flammable (discovered 8.14.05 when an inexperienced newly hired Mary Sue Hunter used a non-regulation flamethrower-spork. The hunter in question was fired for the outrageous hospital bills sent to the headquarters, as any damage taken because of careless mistakes or rulebreaking is not accounted for by Headquarters.)

Congratulations! You are now a professional Mary Sue hunter! Have fun with your occupation (you will take extra pleasure in this job if you enjoy anime such as Naruto and Inuyasha) and remember: Cheese Puffs Will Rule the World!


Bonus Section: Other Uses for Mary Sues


Use Number 1: To deal with disagreeable or crabby neighbors, instead of killing the Sue, stick it in a bag (preferably made out of that brown, itchy stuff) and knot the bag tightly. Make sure to take away any weapons she might be carrying (file her nails until they're dull) and slap on an Anti-Sue collar. Side effects of the collar will include: noticable loss in beauty and glamour, sharp decreasion of skills, less annoying voice, pimples and acne for the teenage Mary Sue, mousy brown hair and eyes, a less perfect body, and utter humiliation to the Mary Sue. Any ESP or power will be lost as well.

Loosen the knot when you are a safe distance from your neighbor's house, and fling the bag into their yard. She should escape very quickly if you deactivate the collar, and it'll take a bit if you do not. If you wish a male neighbor more harm, stick her in their bedroom in a bikini. Offer a matching bikini for the neighbor as well.

Use Number 2: This method employs the use of a built-in feature of a Suethor--copyrights. If there is a preppy, stuck up boy every airhead thinks is cute, this is the method for them. Kidnap a Mary Sue (note, this is different from sticking them in a burlap bag) by taking their story and posting it on a quickly made new account or free website. Make sure to paste comments in the author's notes everywhere that YOU wrote the story. Soon the Suethor will hunt you down. Capture her. Repeat until you have a whole mob. Then unleash on the boy.

More will be added as I think of them.