Don't bother to try breathing,

Or to stop shaking...

It will only give you more pain.

I don't want anymore agony,

I can only take so much...

Yet it seems there is always more,

And it just hurts...

Thinking I'm going to breakdown...

Lose it all...

All I do is cut,

Try to cry.

Nothing.

Hurt me...

If you won't love me...

Give me the pleasure of making me bleed.

I've tried to be happy...

Tried to find love...

It only hurts more in the end.

Even more so when they don't seem to care...

Kill me...

I am begging you.

Begging,

Pleading,

Crying...

I may only be begging for the sake of begging...

Maybe it will make me cry.

No control, no control.

I just cannot seem to cry!

Or the tears come at completely the wrong time.

I don't want them cry over me...

I just want to be alone...

But please do not misunderstand me...

I want love so much...

I have become revile to myself...

Again and again,

Over and over,

Choking on these words,

Words said too often...

How do I get rid of this?

Death...

I just want someone to make this go away...

Truly care.

Not because they have to!

Or because they always have...

Just so easy...

Too easy.

Cannot breathe...

It really doesn't matter though...

Love you.

You don't seem to care...

That doesn't really matter anymore...

I am learning not to care...

But I am paying the price of caring for another I cannot have...

Why?!

To miserable to scream,

To move,

Make it so I can't breathe anymore...

Because all of this is just like suffocating...

But worse.

Because at least in the end there is some sort of peace...

Here, when you think it is at it's worst... and you might just fall into that sweet blackness you are begging for...

It just hurts you more.

Can I become numb for a while?

Could you be my sweet morphine?

Another lovely drug that doesn't hurt me as much as the damned razorblade I have such a lovely romance with...

It will never stop.

Never stops.

I know this is life...

I can accept it.

I already have...

No matter how bitter that acceptance is...

Sometimes it hurts too much for me to bear...

My grip on all of this loosens even more...

And before all of this, I was barely holding on...

This is all too much.

Tell me I can let go...

Lose any control,

The control that is locking me into this cell,

The anger, the pain, the bitter loneliness building until my eyes begin to bleed...

Could I cry until I cannot breathe?

Cut...

Until my fingers are numb.

I need to cut this out of me...

Cut the pain away...until I can no longer bleed...

Sweet, sweet numbness...

I am no good at any of this,

The agony is too much,

I can barely believe that I am surviving...

Please do not think I am begging for your pity...

Just your love.

What does it take to feel less alone?

What does it take to get rid of this affliction?
O

b

l

i

v

i

o

n

Always crying,

But no tears will come to me.

Take the gun, close my eyes...

This isn't worth it anymore...

It is all red,

All numb...

and...

it...

b e g i n s

t o

f a d e