November 4th 6 o' clock
lying half awake and war has broken out
cannonades and wraith-like whistlings
and the dull thud of rockets being launched
spinning upwards to break into a thousand stars
not that I can see them because my eyes are closed
against the light and I don't want to wake up.
not yet. I want to stay in that no-man's land
slung between conscious and dreaming
where hallucinations yaw like a child
playing with the zoom control.
I hear the guns relentless
pounding at the sky
I see Guy at Tyburn Way ... not a pretty sight
so I kill that picture ... dead.
If I died would you cry would you weep
Would you wail and recite Auden over me
Inconsolable. Oh I hope your clocks would stop.
But not yet.
I don't want to go gentle
Into any damn night
Not yet, but sometimes I feel it
Close when I'm half awake
Suspended over the abyss
Walking the wire
Between there and here.
Lying down to sleep thinking
What ... what if ... I never woke up again.
What if I never saw you again
To hug you warmly and tell you
There with you for real
And make you feel yes feel
How much I love you.
Loved you. Always love you.
Even when you didn't couldn't feel it.
When you berated me for not caring
For not being there when needed
Or even not needed but just
Knowing I was there
In the background out there
Holding your hand
Somewhere out there.
How would you feel?
and the fire rains down
and I think of China
elements banging like the guns of war
that I've never known
just like life really
because it all passes
in a second
the hissing wraiths whistle down
claiming me as one of their own
and golden rain pours earthwards
like molten honey
and all the while I'm thinking
what if. Would you really care?
Did I blaze like a comet across
Your personal firmament
Change anything in reality
Make a difference?
I mean really.
Or was I just the damp squib
That gave you life
The touchpaper lit for a second
Flared bright and fizzled out
Potential missed and denied.
Did I spin you out of control
Like some crazy catherine wheel
(poor St Catherine it was named for her)
Changing your life
When it didn't need to be changed.
Did I make you feel short-changed
Make you miss what you never had
Or make you have what you never
Would have missed
And didn't need
the war outside goes on
while the war of silence
sighing I open my eyes
and writing this
fervently hope my efforts
were not all