At rise: Man is sitting on chair representing bus seat.

JOHN: (Cell phone rings and he answers) Hello. (Pause) Tony, its two in the goddamn morning, come on, don't you think it's kinda late for a call? I mean, I understand that you-(pause) Look Tony, you have to understand something, normally I would be happy to hear about your problems for awhile, I always seem to be, but right now, I'm trying to get some sleep so I'm rested for the convention and-(pause) Oh, Jesus, don't cry Tony! Come onnnn! (Pause, man sighs) Alright, vent what you need to vent, I'm listening, but don't let this get too long…

Lights go down on John, come up on Tony

TONY: (Sniffling) You just don't understand! Mom was the nicest person in the world... (Pause) That's not the point John! I know she's been dead for 8 years and that I should get over it, and I have John, believe me! It's just that, y'know, I was thinking about her last night when I got home, and about how she always loved others more than herself and was always willing to sacrifice and help others, especially her family. I mean, one of my mom's old friends told me the other day about how much I remind him of my mom….then he asked me to loan him $50….which I did. And when I got home I found out that one of mom's favorite movies, The Christmas Carol, was on TV. And so I sat down on the sofa and started watching the movie, but y'know, I've seen it a thousand times, and I fell asleep about halfway through. And John, I had the weirdest dream! My mom came to me, all dressed like Marley in that movie, Chains and all…..

FLASHBACK to afore described episode

(Tony has fallen asleep on the couch and The Christmas Carol can still be heard playing on the T.V. in front of him, Tony's Mom enters, dressed to suggest Marley)

TONY'S MOM: (Ghostly Wail)

TONY: (jerking awake) Jesus Christ!

TONY'S MOM: Tonnnnyyyy…..

TONY: (Frightened) Who's There?

TONY'S MOM: It's Mommmmm….

TONY: That can't be. Mom died 8 years ago.

TONY'S MOM: Be quiet and listen to me, young man!

TONY: (Truly Shocked and Awed) Oh my god, it is you!

TONY'S MOM: I have an important message to give you, and I can only bring it to you on this one night, when your best friend is vacationing in Nevada; ostensibly to attend some Star Trek Convention, but, in reality, to enjoy that states renowned legal gambling and prostitution. It is nights like these when my agony is at its worst!

TONY: What the hell?! John's in Nevada for prostitutes? And wait a minute…Why are you wrapped in those chains? Why are you in agony?

TONY'S MOM: I wear these chains that I forged in own life! The chains that I wrapped around myself every time I helped someone out, every time I was selfless, every time I resisted temptation! (Shrieks and moans)

TONY: Yikes! But you were always a very good, charitable person.

TONY"S MOM: (goes on a tirade) Charity? I should have been a little more charitable to myself, don't you think? Do you think I ever once enjoyed being taken advantage of at every opportunity? Anytime anyone of the worthless bums in this town needed a favor- money, work, a place to stay, anything; they always came to me because they knew I was the handout queen and I was always there for them! And what did I do for myself? Nothing! I had such a fear of god in me that I was terrified to break any rule, no matter how small. So I never swore, drank, smoked, or did drugs of any kind. No one ever heard a dirty joke from me. And as for sexual experimentation-hah! Missionary position onl-

TONY: (is grossed out by last two lines) Mom, please, don't talk about tha-

TONY'S MOM: (ignoring him while really getting worked up) Do you think I ever went to an orgy!

TONY: Mom!

TONY"S MOM: (remembers who she's talking to) Oh, I, uh, yes, (clears throat) well. In any case, I've come here to warn you about a serious problem in your life. Tony, you're following the same path that I did. You never get out there, relax and enjoy yourself. You're too busy trying to be a good person, something that, well, frankly, you hate. You hate all the assholes that come to you for help and just automatically expect it. You hate the fact that you never allow yourself to cave in and have some guilt free pleasure in your life. You're always trying to be nice to incompetents and dickheads who really don't deserve it, when you really just want to tell them that they should be dragged out into the street and shot to avoid wasting further oxygen.

TONY: Maybe, but at least people like m-

TONY'S MOM: OHhhh, Tony; you really are making the same mistakes I did. You really think those ignorant cocksuckers out there like you more because of your handouts and kind treatment of them. They don't; in some way they always see the frown behind the smile. And if you keep this up, you will forge chains longer and heavier than any I have. I am condemned to walk the earth in eternal unrest and watch others enjoy sinning, watching their keggers, their drugged out parties, their perverted jack off sessions, their mindless sex games, and Tony, I know that sounds like fun, but its not! I am only reminded of what I was too disapproving of, or afraid of, to do in life.

TONY: But Mom, you must have gone to heaven, right!

TONY'S MOM: (sighs) I did Tony, and you know something? Heavens pretty goddamn boring- mainly just a load of self righteous people all being happy and communing with one another. Sort of like a half assed U2 concert. I'd always assumed that in heaven, I'd get to indulge in some of the more sinful (a.k.a fun) activities that I had wanted to do in life, without any fear of the consequences. But I was wrong, and I finally got so tired of all the pussies up there that I completely lost it. I got drunk on communion wine, took the empty wine bottle, and broke it over Gandhi's head. Then I stabbed him three times with it.

TONY: GANDHI! Mom! How could you?

TONY'S MOM: I don't know, I was drunk and I hated everything. After that, I was thrown down here to wander for all eternity. And now Tony, I am here to give you this simple warning: don't make the same mistakes I did. You only live once Tony! Get out there, be an asshole, get drunk, experiment with drugs, have some wild one night stands, and stop being Mr. Nice Guy!

TONY: But Mom I-

TONY'S MOM: Goodbye, Tony! My time with you is at an end. Remember meeeeee….. (Flashback ends)

TONY: …..and it was so horrible, John. I just don't know what to do now! I think it was just a dream, but I'm not sure. I mean, she had a point! I do hate my life! I do hate the fact that everyone thinks I'm a nice, innocent kid! I do want to be invited to the cool parties! And as a matter of fact, John, (now sounding pathetic) are you in Nevada for prostitutes and gambling? (Pause)

John? (Pause) John, are you listening? (Pause, yells into phone) JOHN!

(Lights down on Tony, up on John)

JOHN: (has fallen asleep a long time ago, is startled awake by Tony's yelling) Oh God, I, uh (remembers what he was supposed to be doing) Oh, uh, yes Tony. As I've told you before, my opinion as your unofficial shrink is: That you need to get out more and relax. Tony, I, uh, I have a confession to make. I'm not really in Nevada for a Star Trek Convention; I'm in the Nevada for the purpose of, um, relaxing. Yeah. And Tony, that means, maybe some things that you might not be totally, approving of, things that you might not gues- (pause) Jesus, how did you know? (Pause) A lucky guess, huh? I hope I'm not that obvious (laughs uncomfortably). Anyway, what I would like to say is, you're welcome to come out here with me anytime you need to, um, relax. (Pause, laughs) Yes, there are a lot of "Star Trek Conventions" out here. (Pause, look of surprise) You would like to, huh? Well, Tony, that sounds great! (Pause) Oh, Of course, and you're alright now, right? (Pause) Great! Well, I better get some sleep now, BIG day ahead of me (Pause) Okay, see ya then. (Ends call) Boy, that guy needs to get a life.


Authors note: I'm thinking of expanding this further into a full Christmas Carol type thing with Ghosts of Past, Present, and Future. Think it's worthwhile? Read and review. I'll review one of yours if you review mine.