Wash

Daniel, a large 28 year old stumbles into a store looking very disoriented. A clerk notices him.

Clerk:
Sir? May I help you?

Daniel:
What? Where am I?

Clerk:
Your dirty sir- your pants are so dirty, why don't you have a minute in our restroom facilities to clean yourself off?

Daniel:
Are you not seeing me sir? I am stuck in perpetual motion- my feet haven't touched the ground in days. It's so cold in here.

Clerk:
Let me show you to the bathroom sir- you look tired- possibly even stressed- and you're dirty. Here- come with me.

Daniel:
Don't touch me- tell me have you ever landed on the wings of a butterfly and had a butterfly land on your shoulder at the same time? Why is it so goddamn cold in here?

Clerk:
This way sir- just follow my voice or hands.

Daniel follows the clerk through the store and to a men's restroom in the back.

Clerk:
Here you are sir- you go right in there and wash up.

Daniel:
Wash? Why wash- are you saying that this shall be the end all be all of all washes- that after I wash myself this time I will never have to wash again? Is that what you're saying? If that's what you're saying than you're crazier than me. Why should I wash? Who the fuck do I have to impress- look at me- if I smelled like a basket of roses people would still be repulsed by the bulging beer gut and prominent five o clock shadow all over my face- not to mention my receding hairline- my fucking receding hairline- I'm twenty eight and I've got a receding hairline. All the washing up in the world isn't helping me. Who are you anyway? And where the fuck am I? And why the fuck is it so cold in here- wherever I am. Where the fuck am I? Who are you?

Clerk:
I'll wait right here for you sir- go on now and wash up.

Daniel goes into the men's room, in there is a bald man in leather chaps and a small leather vest flexing his muscles in the mirror. Daniel stares at him for a while.

Daniel:
And just what the fuck do you think you're doing?

The man turns his tiny head and smiles.

Man:
Flexing the old boulders my boy. Do you like what you see?

Daniel:
To be honest- no. I don't like to see self absorbed homosexual bikers flexing their flabby biceps in a dirty mirror in a freezing cold bathroom. I especially am not liking the chaps old boy.

Man:
Bikers are the cowboys of contemporary society. Don't you think?

Daniel:
Well their both mostly fags so I guess so. What do you think? Do you consider yourself a cowboy Lance Bass?

Man:
Ah hell no, I don't drive a motorcycle- that's my Honda outside.

Daniel:
Yeah- I don't recall seeing a Honda. So what exactly do you do?

Man:
I'm a lawyer and a bobcat trainer.

Daniel:
Fine that line of work interesting?

Man:
Which one?

Daniel:
Is there a difference?

Man:
Bobcats can be feisty little critters that's for sure. They sure as hell don't like being backed into a corner for more than two seconds at a time- I got scratches in places that even medical science fears to tread.

Daniel:
That's disgusting. Are you done?

Man:
Not quite- in fact you might say I haven't even begun yet.

Daniel:
You think we can smoke in here?

Man:
What- like cigarettes?

Daniel:
Kools to be exact. Want one?

Man:
I don't smoke. It's bad for your health.

Daniel lights a cigarette.

Daniel:
I'll drink to that.

Man:
Oh you got a drink on you?

Daniel:
Why do you want one?

Man:
Well it's just that I'm thirsty as hell-

Daniel:
Listen- are you done there yet? I need to get to the sinks old boy.

Man:
Soon enough- why don't you just use them- I can see over you.

Daniel:
I'm not falling for that one- I'm not putting my ass in front of you- I might as well tie a bow around it. I'm out of here- good luck with those chaps.

Daniel pushes out of the bathroom. A beautiful woman in a business suit is standing outside the door looking seductively at Daniel.

Daniel:
Holy God- hello gorgeous.

Woman:
Hello Daniel- I've been waiting for you.

Daniel:
That so- I think I've been waiting for you too. What are we still standing here for? To the bed my lady?

Woman:
I've been waiting a long, long time Daniel. How long have you been waiting?

Daniel:
For you? At least twenty eight years give or take twenty or so.

Woman:
Do you want to touch me Daniel? Do you want me to touch you.

Daniel:
No. I mean yes! Yes I would like that very much. Again- why are we still standing here?

Woman:
Have you washed up?

Daniel:
What?

Woman:
You don't look like you've washed up Daniel- your pants are still dirty.

Daniel:
What- are you fucking kidding me? Can we go back to the touching part?

Woman:
You need to wash up Daniel.

Daniel:
For fucks sake- are you saying I have to go back in there?

Woman:
You must be clean Daniel- I will not abide dirty hands on my body.

Daniel:
This is insane. Where the hell am I anyway? And again who the fuck are you anyway?

Daniel blinks and the girl is gone and the clerk is standing before him again.

Clerk:
Just wash up Daniel- go back in there and clean yourself up.

Daniel:
No- I can't- I don't- I can't there's something wrong here. Where the fuck am I? You know- I know you know. Where the fuck did the woman go? I want her to come back.

Clerk:
Daniel-

Daniel:
And how the fuck do you know my name?! Where the fuck am I? When the fuck am I? This isn't a dream- I feel the fear- I feel it like a snake coiling around my arms and legs- stars are exploding all around me. All things are dimmed- the shining light in all things is dim- someone broke a mirror some one took me all away. I is crazy? Where the fuck is I? It is cold!

Clerk:
Daniel- why don't you just look up?

Daniel's head falls backward and he looks up at the ceiling to reveal hundreds and and hundreds of ceiling fans turned on to max speed.

Daniel:
No-I here- I is gone.

-end-