THOUGHTS OF A TEACHER
Mrs. Skittles (Played by a male)
Lights fade in. The scene opens with the students sitting in two rows of four, Students 1-4 in the back row, Zac, Jenny, Carl, and Gary in the front row. Gary sits on one end, wearing tight all black clothes and long black hair. He has chains on his pants and is writing in a notebook. Next to him is Carl. He is slouched over in his chair, wearing a bandana, sunglasses, and grossly oversized clothes. He has large headphones on. Next to him sits Jenny, wearing large glasses, a button down shirt and skirt, and her hair in pig tails. She has a dictionary in her lap. Next to her Zac sits very casually, wearing a Polo and jeans, with neatly cropped hair and a baseball hat. Behind them Students 1-4 are throwing things and making noise. In the front of the room there is an empty chair for the teacher.
Mrs. Skittles walks in and sits down.
Mrs. Skittles: Good morning.
Class: Good morning Mrs. Skittles. (Some students stumble through this, saying Mister, then quickly correcting themselves.)
Mrs. Skittles: Yes, yes, I know my recent operation will need a little time to get used to, but I'm hoping we will all be mature adults about it.
Mrs. Skittles: SHUT UP YOU GODDAMN BRATS!
Class in stunned silence. Gary and Carl don't seem to notice.
Mrs. Skittles: Thank you. Now, if you would all please take out your text books and we'll talk about the story we read last night.
Students quiet down, and pull out their books. Carl, pretending not to hear, doesn't move.
Mrs. Skittles: Carl, take your headphones off and take out your book.
Carl doesn't move.
Mrs. Skittles: (Beginning to sound agitated) Carl…
Carl again doesn't move.
Mrs. Skittles: (Sighs) C-Dog, take off your music and get your book.
Carl: (Moving slowly) Coo'…
Mrs. Skittles: (Lifting up falling breast) Ok, now let's talk about our thoughts on this story. Zac, why don't you start us off?
Zac: Sure. I think that this story is teaching a lesson about not going into stranger's houses and taking their possessions.
Mrs. Skittles: Thank you! (Thinking out loud while writing on clipboard.) Ability to see themes…(Now to the class) Jenny, you next.
Jenny: The antipode of the story is antiphrastic and uses bronchoscope to show meningococcus.
Mrs. Skittles: Thank you for that wonderful…explanation. (Thinking out loud while writing again.) Uses big words to look smart. Brown-noser…(Talking to class.) Carl, what did you think?
Carl pretends not to notice.
Mrs. Skittles: Carl, I asked you what you thought of this story.
Carl now badly acting like he does not to hear.
Mrs. Skittles: (Sighing) C-Dog, what'd you think?
Carl: G, if someone busted into my crib and ate my shit and busted my chair, I'd stab her ass.
Mrs. Skittles: Thank you, Carl. (Thinking and writing) Needs to learn English…and get clothes that fit…and bathe. (To class) Gary, you next.
Gary: My name is Gory. Why doesn't anyone accept that…or me?!?!(Begins sobbing)
Mrs. Skittles: Fine, Gory. What did you think?
Gary stops sobbing.
Gary: I thought that the porridge in this story represents everything in life, how (begins sobbing again) nothing is ever right, and when it finally is, it's gone! (Begins wailing)
Mrs. Skittles: Thank you, Gary -
Gary: (Through tears) It's Gory!
Mrs. Skittles: - Gory. (Thinking and writing) Needs to see a shrink and get some Prozac. (To class) Anyone else?
Student 3: Can we play with your boobs?
Mrs. Skittles: No.
Student 1: Pleeeaaase?
Mrs. Skittles: NO!
Student 2: We'll tell our devout Christian parents that we're being taught be a homosexual teacher who recently got a sex change operation so they could legally marry their lover.
Mrs. Skittles: (Pauses) Fine.
Mrs. Skittles pulls out her boobs and tosses them to the students.
The scene goes back to the way it began, with the exception of Mrs. Skittles at the front of the class writing on her clipboard and her boobs being tossed around in the back. Lights fade out as 'The Emo Song" fades in.