"How about teal green?" asked Sarah my soon to be ex best friend still scouring the dresses on the rail as if her life depended on it. This was not what I had planned to do for the whole of my day when I woke up this morning. There are limits to these sorts of things and I passed mine about two hours ago which Sarah either didn't pick up on or just completely ignored. I mean come on five hours. Five straight hours I've had to listen to her. Five long gruelling hours of sighing, grunting, whining, tears and tantrums. Now I understand why men don't like to go shopping with women because they go bloody mental.
In that time we have dismissed pink too Barbie like, yellow too bright a colour, black it's a wedding not a funeral, orange who wears orange, purple Kyle doesn't like purple (I really think he has an irrational fear of the colour personally) and red. Sarah's sister had her bridesmaid in red so that was a defiant no.
"Go try this one on Laura" she hands me the veil coloured dress that she had been examining over to me with that dazed glazed look she's had since Kyle had dropped down on one knee to propose to her.
You know the one all brides to be have. The glazed over eyes and continuous grin plastered on their face with the big mood swings to boot. Well Sarah had it too. She had well and truly turned into bridezilla.
I went into the changing room once again for the fourteenth time. You see Sarah never dismissed a colour until she had made me wear all the different shades of the it just to as she had put it "make sure it wasn't the one." I'm not sure if she was aware that we are talking about dresses not the love of your life at the time.
I let out a long sigh as I gazed into the full length mirror. There was not a chance in hell that I was going to wear this dress.
The cut of the dress made my sexy curves disappear in a blink of an eye. Instead it made me large and bulky like a double Decker bus. The colour also did nothing for my complexion making it turn paler and pastier than I already was.
"Come on Laura." I can hear Sarah squeal. "Lets see it." she whips open the curtain with a gasp.
Please don't like it. Please don't like it I chant as she glanced her critical eye up and down me. "That is perfect." She said over joyed clapping her hands together. Please no.
"What do you think?"
"I well I think it is the most hideous dress I've ever worn and would rather spend another three hours finding a different dress than wear it to your wedding ." Is what I wanted to say instead what came out was "It's lovely." With enough enthusiasm as I could muster which wasn't much as I caught a glance of myself in the mirror again.
"You really think so?" She gushed out. Where has my friend gone? There is no doubt in my mind that is she was acting normal not with this bride fever she would publicly disgrace this dress right this second. possibly even buying it so we could do a ritual burning of it in the back garden to the god of fashion to never create such a thing again.
She beamed at me the biggest smile imaginable. I couldn't break her heart or survive any longer trying on dress so I decided to lie. "Yeah I think it's better than all the rest we've seen."
"Great." At least I wasn't going to be the only one in teal green. There would be a group of us to be humiliated for the rest of the world to see on that day and forever afterwards with the wedding photo's.
The smell of heavily polluted air had never smelt better I found as we walked down the street after a record breaking change of clothes by me. I had finally managed to persuade Sarah to come out of the bridal shop by reminding her that she had to meet Kyle. . At the sound of Kyle's name she was out of that shop quicker than the speed of light like the love sick puppy she was.
"Laura." I glanced at my friend giving her a reassuring smile. "I want you to remember that I have no control over who Kyle chose to be his best man." She suddenly said to me.
"So he's finally got a best man then." The only irritating thing that I can find about Kyle is his habit of indecisions. This is the guy that can spend five hours at the supermarket weighing up the pros and cons of buying fresh or frozen vegetables as I found out the one time I dared to go shopping with him. I was warned but did I listen as usual when given advice no. Never again will I make that mistake.
Sarah is silent for a few moments before answering me. "Yes."
"So do I know him." I probed. This was going to be a guy that I was going to have to spend many hours with so I was hoping it was some one I liked. Plus there was that whole best man maid of honour coping off with each other tradition to upheld. I'm single before you ask so there is no problem with it.
"Oh you know him." She replied evasively side stepping a group of business men coming the opposite way.
"It's not Ben is it that's all I need." You see Ben is not only a friend of mine but flat mate as well. Now Ben is one of those people you can only take in small doses and I don't think I could survive it if he was the best man. Add the fact he would want to wear a pink suit as the best man I know this because he told me one night after we heard the news he might turn this wedding into the gayest wedding ever. Not that him being gay and bringing it to the wedding is a bad thing just not something I think Sarah and Kyle would want or need.
"Ben? I don't think I was desperate enough to suggest him." She laughed.
"Well who then?" I asked puzzled.
"Maybe you should sit down some where" she said looking for some where.
"Sarah just tell me now I'm bursting with curiosity" I replied about to explode right there on the street.
"James Knight" she said quickly waiting for my reaction. No no no no I didn't just hear that name. He is not here he's still up in Scotland. I know Kyle is his best friend but still does he not remember what he had done to me I don't see how he could he was bloody there. I had three choices of how to react.
Go find Kyle and murder him.
Run away (Sarah would totally kill me for not going to her wedding).
suck it up and act like the grown up I supposedly was.
Unfortunately I did none of the above because I forgot about a fourth option. Good old fainting which is exactly what I did.