Warning: Mature, yaoi, gay relationships. If that's not your thing, don't read it.
The drama and tribulations – and eventuall happiness – of Kenny, who thought he was straight until he found out he wasn't.
This is my first Original Fic of any note – although I have 6 FanFics to my name. It's also the first fic I ever wrote in first-person, it just... seemed like the way to do it, this time.
See, the thing is... I mean, the thing no one understands is... Okay, let me back up a little. The first thing everyone asks me is; "How could you not know that you were gay?" I guess it's a good question. Looking back, I don't know how I could not have known. I just didn't.
Then, of course, they wanna know how I found out. I imagine they think it'll be an entertaining story. Maybe all flowery and romantic or something. It so wasn't. More like a rude awakening, actually, which is why I stopped telling it. Another reason I don't tell the story is just because it's embarrassing.
So let's begin, eh?
He said his name was Riv. That's really all I got, just "Riv". No last name. I didn't know the guy. He didn't know me. See why it's embarrassing? We were the last ones in the dojo that evening – the owner (who I knew from way back) had given me the keys to lock up, but me and this other guy were still there, practicing our moves – Judo for me, Tai Kwon Do for him. I knew enough Tai Kwon Do to know that that's what he was doing, so I made a little joke – it was kind of tense just the two of us there – about how Judo was better... y'know, just being sarcastic. That's how shy people like me try to start conversations. Yeah, I know it's stupid. Can't help it.
So we agree to spar with each other right? And I get some hits and so does he – but at least he's not getting ahold of me. Then again, I'm not getting ahold of him, either. In Judo, you really need to get your opponent in your arms. It's not like boxing. More like wrestling, in some ways.
Anyway, we get tired of waiting for openings for our holds, both at the same time I guess. I go for a hold, so does he. We end up sort of stuck in a stalemate – apparently we were pretty evenly matched.
Well, look... I don't wanna go into how it happened in detail... but he screwed me, all right? Yes, in the ass. And the thing is... I let him. I still don't know why. I mean it – I really don't know what I must have been thinking. It's not like... I would have never thought... I mean, I didn't think I even liked guys! Yeah, well, okay, maybe a little, sometimes, but that was few and far between. And even then, it was always "cute" guys I might look at – this guy wasn't the least bit "cute". He was what you'd call "masculine" in a sort of haggard way, like Clint Eastwood. "Not my type" I would've said if anyone had asked. But it was like... I dunno... I wanted him to take me like that, or something... I don't even know when I realized that we were going to, y'know, fuck - it just kind of happened.
I know none of this makes much sense. "So you were fighting this dude and you end up getting fucked and you don't know why..." you're saying. I'm doing the best I can, okay? You probably can't imagine – hell, I can't imagine – how anyone could just let such a thing happen. Must have been the Fag in me struggling to get out or something. You ever do something you didn't know why you did it? Well, that's how it was.
So that was confusing enough, right? Well, here's the kicker: I liked it. A lot. I mean seriously a lot. Yeah, it kinna hurt at first but – well, never mind. I liked everything about it. I liked knowing that he came inside me. Imagine what that was like for a second – even in my rare homo fantasy, I'd always been the top, the one doing the fucking. And now here I was... I mean, I came at the same time he did. I came because he came inside me, okay? How fucking gay can you get?
And then he tells me it was a mistake - he's married, this was a one-time deal, he was sorry for god's sake! He'd be leaving town in the morning. Not that I wanted to see him again or anything – I dunno, I might have, but I wasn't thinking that at the time. I just wanted to get out of there and think about things, y'know? I mean... what the hell's going on with me?
Anyway, I never saw him again. But like I say, I didn't really want to. And for the next week I'm walking around knowing this guy came in my ass, and that I liked it. It was weird, trust me. I hope I don't have to say that nothing like that had ever happened to me before. So I'm checking out guys, y'know, just trying to see if I'm attracted to 'em or not, and like - it was no different than before! Only the cutest of the guys I saw even caught my fuckin' attention! I mean, what the fuck, man!? Didn't something happen that night? What was the deal with me, y'know? Am I gay or what?
So yeah. Then one day – this was about three weeks later – I realize that I'm in love with my best friend, Tony.
'Tony' is short for 'Anthony', you probably know. Italian type. Catholic. Tall, dark, black hair, black eyes... absolutely straight, of course. You getting the picture yet? He'd been my best friend since grade-school. We used to jack-off to porn together. Oh, by the way, I should've mentioned: I was 23 years old at the time. That was a couple of years ago. Now he works for some pharmaceutical company – he's a lab-tech or something. Wears a white jacket an' everything. Me, I'm a network administrator at the phone company. And I swear, I fell in love with the guy. It was hard trying to keep it from showing! I used to think about him all the fucking time, have dreams about him, fucking jerk-off to him!
All you fags out there – don't crush on straight guys, okay? Words from the wise. Or something. It totally sucks.
Now, before I go on, I should mention Cherry. She's a lesbian. Not an in-your-face lesbian, as in won't shut up about it, but instead she's the quiet type. In fact, at that time, I didn't even really know for sure that she was lesbian, although I wouldn't have been surprised. She hung out with her girlfriend Tanya a lot, but they never did anything in public – like kiss or hold hands or anything. Still, y'know, you can kinna tell by how they look at each other sometimes. Not that it mattered to me, really, 'cause she was heavy into Sports, and I'm pretty much a classic nerd. I work with her at the phone company, we got to be sort of friends – she was still working toward her CCNA cert at the time. I helped her out a lot. She and her "roommate" Tanya only had the one car, so I ferried her around a lot if I happened to be going somewhere she wanted to go. Cherry's cute, but when she starts in with the football or whatever talk it sorta squicks me out.
So anyway, I know I'm crushing on my best friend since forever Tony, right? So I gotta be gay. I'm not real happy about that or anything... but there's not much I can really do about it. Being around Tony makes me feel... I can't really explain, but oh yeah, I'm a fag. And I'm like, okay, so I'm a fag. Big deal. Seriously, I'm so hot for Tony that suddenly figuring out I'm gay isn't really my biggest problem right now, y'know?
Did ya ever notice how – when ya desperately want something to be true – ya suddenly start finding hints that it really might be? Well, I'm getting all these vibes from Tony, like he just might swing the other way. Y'know, for me. I bet you see where this is heading. I bet you're right too.
We work out at a gym (and I do the Judo thing as well). Tony, me, Cherry, sometimes Tanya. We all sit on our asses most of the day, so we kinna have to. Well, I guess Cherry sees me checkin' out Tony – honestly, I'm trying not to – but she sees and she comes over to me an' says, "Ya like him, don'tcha..."
I can tell she already knows, so what the fuck am I gonna say? I guess I was starin' pretty hard... So I tell her "Yeah..." and she comes out to me about Tanya, sort of giving us common ground, I guess. She says I should go over and talk to him. Yeah, right. What the fuck am I gonna say? But I actually think about it anyway... "Hey Tony, uh, look, ya wanna go out?" Naw, that's not gonna sound right – he'd probably think I meant crusin' for chicks. "Hey, Tony, uh, look, I'm gay. Ya wanna go out?" Oh, that's a hell of a lot better. I mean, how the fuck do ya do this? 'Cause if he's straight, y'know, then the answer's not just gonna be "no" but "fuck no!" And I haven't picked up enough hints yet that he might not be, y'know? I'd be scared to fuckin' death to say something like that.
But... like I keep saying, I'm so hot for him that I try anyway. Gawd.
So I go over to him on the deltoid machine. His back's too me, so I go around to where he can see me. And I just stand there. I can't fuckin' talk. This is my best friend, remember? If he IS straight, he may not be my best friend for much longer. So I gotta deal with that, and maybe seeing disgust on the face of this guy I'm in love with, and coming out to him in the first place, and asking him for a date all at the same god-damned time! I can't fucking do it!
You straights have it easy, y'know. The worst you hear is "no". I have to deal with all this god-damned shit...
He says "Hey, Kenny, what's up?" and I get out "I... I... I..." and I'm breaking out in sweat and my stomach feels queasy and my legs feel weak and my head is all dizzy like I'm gonna faint – and I just run the fuck away. I run the fuck away. Out of the gym, down the street in my work-out clothes, I'm feeling so sick, and into an alley and I throw up. Seriously, I throw up 'cause I couldn't ask my best friend for a date. You don't know, man... You don't know unless you've been there. You're probably thinking I'm such a pussy. Maybe that's not so far from the truth, I don't fuckin' know.
Cherry comes along. Great. Just what I need. She'd followed me and found me. She thinks I'm a pussy too, I bet. But, thank god, she doesn't say anything, just gives me a Kleenex to wipe my mouth and nose with. Then another. I'm a sick mother-fucker, man... I mean I feel bad, physically. Every other way, for that matter. She gives me a Life-Savers too. I guess that's when Cherry and me became "friends" instead of just "acquaintances". She had what I needed when I needed it, is all I know. She offered to drive me home (she can walk to her place from mine). I let her.
Apparently Tony is oblivious to the whole thing – he probably thought I just had to make an emergency bathroom call or something. You can bet I didn't ask him about it. Him being oblivious was fine with me, for the time being.
Life goes on as usual, except for me and my secret. I started getting a taste of what Cherry must feel – having to hide something about yourself all the time. Watch what you say, how you act, who you look at. I actually oogled girls as cover, I'm sure they all thought I was just another jerk. I tried to do it when other guys would catch me, of course. Despite what you're probably thinking about me, I'm really not an idiot.
I say that because I'm about to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that I actually am. I'm a fucking moron.
Me and Tony took Ballroom dancing in college. It's an easy elective, y'know. Pretty much get an 'A' just for showing up. We sort of dared each other to sign up for it. But actually, it was pretty fun, not to mention being cool to know how to waltz and samba when the opportunity comes up.
So we're hanging out at this bar – a really big bar, with several rooms having different types of music. The one we're in is toned-down Muzak type stuff, more of a fern-bar atmosphere, because he was asking me all about what kind of computer he should get. Neither of us like to have to yell to be heard. He's scoping out babes (although he has a girlfriend), I'm of course pretending to do the same.
Well, the Muzak was cut off and they start playing a tango. I dunno why – maybe someone requested it or something, but no one was getting on the dance floor... Not many people know how to tango these days, y'know. Those that do don't tend to hang around in bars. But Tony's giving me this wicked smile and says, "Wanna dance?" See? Told ya he was oblivious. You can imagine how I took it. I'm in love, remember?
Tony's pretty open-minded about homosexuality and stuff – I think he thought it'd be funny if everyone thought we were a gay couple. He's like that. And besides, we were on like our fifth Corona. Also, he's tall (6' 1'') and I'm kind of on the short side (5' 7'') so we were well sized for it. I'm not thinking any of these things. I don't even give a damn that we'll be dancing together in public. I was in fucking heaven.
He's good too (of course, I was a little drunk, so he was even better) and we're doing the whole thing, complete with meaningful moments of eye-contact. He was acting. I was not. And when it ended, and he brought me up tight against him in the final movement, I kissed him. On the mouth. Hard. And long, until he shoves me away.
That was the first time I'd actually kissed another guy. That time in the dojo... well, there was never any mouth-to-mouth kissing, put it that way. My crush had asked me to dance, had looked deep into my eyes, had seen how I felt about him, and brought me up tight against his body for just this reason. That's what I was thinking. Oh man, I was the luckiest gay-boy in the world. Yeah. Fucking moron. And I'm calling him "oblivious"...
"What do you think you're doing?" he shouts at me.
Okay, I'm confused now. He's wiping his mouth with his hand, and looking at me with this look of... I dunno what. Maybe he thinks I took the joke too far or something (this has just occurred to me), but whatever, by the time I can blink twice, I've figured it out. He's not into me. He's just showing off. I should have played along, like I was just acting like he was, only better. Yeah, I thought of that later. I can't imagine how I must have looked to him right then, but I think he got the message, because he suddenly says – in this half-scared, nervous voice - "Hey..." And he didn't say it, I don't think, but I heard it anyway - "back off, man."
I couldn't think, I couldn't speak, I couldn't fucking breathe, but I couldn't just stay there, either, so I turned around and started walking away. What the hell else could I have done? All I needed to hear was that "Hey...", the tone of his voice, and I knew. I knew, man, I knew he knew and... I had to get the fuck out. I broke into a run halfway across the dance floor. I'm sure everybody was staring at me.
I drove my car to the nearest place where he wouldn't see me if he drove by and tried to catch my breath. I'm wondering what the fuck is wrong with me, y'know? I know Tony's straight! I mean, no amount of wishing and hoping on my part is ever gonna change that! How could I be so stupid? And finally: what the hell am I supposed to do now? I felt outed, man... I felt like everyone would know now. Word would get around. At work, at the dojo, maybe my parents would find out... FUCK man!
It took me probably an hour to calm down. Eventually I realized, in a city the size of Atlanta, it was pretty unlikely that anyone I worked with, or even knew remotely, would have been there, in that room. They were all probably strangers – and even if they by some chance did know someone I knew, they wouldn't know who I was anyway. So I was safe. Hopefully. I could go to work tomorrow. I could still go to the gym and dojo. I wasn't "out".
Except, of course, to Tony. But he wouldn't tell anyone, I wasn't worried about that. He really is a great guy, y'see... It's just that he'll never be my guy.
Well, you can imagine, I started avoiding Tony from then on, as best I could. Try avoiding your best friend for awhile, see how easy it is. I couldn't do it forever, I knew that. I was going to have to face him at some point. So next week, Wednesday – they put out the new comic-books at Border's. We always go there to see what's out. I know he'll be there. I gotta do this, man, but god, I don't want to. I know that Tony knows that I'm gay for him now, and he knows that I know that he's not into guys at all, and I know that he's gonna say "we can still be friends", but I don't see how either of us can do that. Yeah, Tony, I'll be your weird gay buddy and you can be my god-damned dream dude and we'll just go on like that, right? Nothing to see here, folks, move along. Happens all the time.
I don't wanna go in there. I know it's gonna hurt. Of all the damn times to be right.
All sounds pretty dramatic, doesn't it... all this love and angst and emotion and shit. Yeah, I thought so too. All very... Reader's Digest, or Harlequin Romance – the fag version – or something. Hey, I wasn't used to being like that either! I mean... I wasn't expecting all this stuff! I'm suddenly a soap-opera and I didn't fucking like it! I'm not even into this kinna shit, y'know? Or at least, I didn't used to be. I guess, sitting there in the Border's parking lot, is where I first started to feel afraid of what was happening to me. I mean, well, it's hard to put it right, in the right words. I was a computer-nerd. Still am. I get into hardware, a few games, StarGate and Star Trek, eat, sleep, masturbate, and that was about it. That was my life. Now I'm gonna go talk to the unrequited love of my life and tell him that I'm sorry I'm gay and I know you're not and I guess I'll see ya around?
I was pretty confused, about pretty much everything by then. Looking back, it wasn't a good time for me to meet him. I should have waited. 20/20 hindsight.
So there he is, sitting in the coffee-shop with a stack of comic books and I go order myself a coffee (hoping he doesn't notice me yet) and I sit down at his table as usual. He finishes the page he was on (I bet he was just pretending to read it – how could he read at a time like that?) and he looks at me, then looks around to see if he's likely to be overheard, and then he just says it, "So, Kenny You're gay now?"
Sounds pretty casual, doesn't it... Like "So Kenny, ya get that new sound-card yet?"
Now, I'm sitting there sorta fighting with myself whether to tell him everything or not. It's a profit-and-loss thing, y'know... I'm trying to figure out what the best thing to do is, what will have the least possible ill effects. But the thing is, y'know, I desperately want to tell him. I want to tell him... everything. I'd been having these wonderful day-dreams about how things could be and all. Could be. Just bear with me, okay? You already know it's all going to go to shit anyway, right?
Yeah, how wonderful things could be. A few days before, he'd casually mentioned what a great "wife" his girlfriend would make. I met her like once. She seemed kinda... I dunno... like a social-climber to me, but hell, I'm probably biased. I probably wouldn't have liked her if she'd been Mother Teresa in Miss America's body. But the word "wife" got to me. Bad.
I wanted to be his god-damned "wife", y'see. Yeah, I know how it sounds. But I did.
And I thought about that, while I was trying to figure out what to say, and I guess I panicked: I said, "Tony, I'm gay and I really like you. Like like." Just like that, I said it. 'Like like'. Jr. High. I couldn't even fucking look at him. I was starting to feel sick again. But I could hear him all right.
He said, "Ah."
Now, if you're gay and if you've ever come out to anyone at all, you've probably heard the "Ah". Even though this was my first one, you just know what it means. It means "I'm not really comfortable with that – or you – anymore, and I wish I wasn't having this conversation."
Man, there it was, all laid out. I just wanted to curl up and die – make it all go away. I had no idea it was going to hit me this hard. I felt like a total freak, and he – a guy who's opinion of me means everything - thinks I'm a total freak too... I just wanted to die. No other way to put it. Gawd...
Not that i know what I expected him to say or anything. What I was hoping he'd say was something like "Really? Wow, me too! But I could never have enough guts to say something like that – I really admire your courage! Now let's go home and fuck!" Well, yeah. I guess I knew that wasn't likely, but, man, ya can always hope, right?
I don't know what else was said after that – I know we talked some more... I think he said something about still being friends, I don't really know. I didn't really care. My world was pretty fucking bleak at that point. My coffee was still almost completely full when we left and went home, each in our separate cars. I don't remember the drive, either. I didn't really want to go home, I remember that, but I couldn't think of anything better. Mostly, I wanted to not be gay anymore. Because Tony didn't like that about me, and more than anything, I wanted him to like me.
So, y'know, there goes that. Best friends since forever – bam!, gone in a flash.
Well, I guess I should be fair here... I mean, I guess it's not his fault. But yeah, I still hold it against him all the same, you'll see why in a minute. I still wasn't over it, y'see. I know it's hard to believe... and it's hard for me to even admit – but somehow, his not being gay only made me... well, crush harder. Funny how that works. Not 'funny' ha-ha, more like 'funny' as in fucking cruel. Of course he wasn't gay! He was way too cool for that! I'm the fuckin' gay freak here!
I hope you breeders are paying attention to all this, should you ever have your best same-sex friend come on to you like I did to Tony. Not that I can think of what you should do... maybe you'll think of something. Sorry, I shouldn't call you "breeders". I used to be one of you, I thought. Just... just keep in mind that it's harder for us, okay? Give us a break. I'm still not really looking forward to dealing with this for the rest of my damn life.
Anyway. The "avoiding" got a lot easier, after that, since he avoided me too, now. But like I said, I was still into him, big time. More than before. Even after the "Ah". And eventually – I wish someone would have just shot me instead – I even started to hope again.
(to be continued)