It was the ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny. Heroes, villains, and random combustions completely filled the peripheral vision field. It was a time when the most popular celebrities, the greatest warriors--and in some cases, not-quite-so-great ordinaries--from every corner of the universe had all gathered together to face off in an extreme, unlimited, no-holds-barred, all-out war. The battle would be fierce, and everyone present knew that only one of them would live to tell the tale.
Among these randomly assorted contestants was an older man named Fred, who most people knew as Mr. Rogers. Fred had taken a leave of absence from his children's television program to follow his lifelong dream and come to Tokyo to fight in the ultimate showdown. Oh, if only his millions of young and impressionable viewers could see him now, in the midst of a horrific battle about to begin. The thought of this made Fred laugh.
Mr. Rogers knew that he was strong, but probably not the strongest there, and he would have to conserve his strength if he even hoped to win. The showdown would begin shortly, but Fred had a strategy--he would stay on the sidelines at first, allowing all of his stronger opponents to finish each other off, and then make his move at the climax of the battle. Only by being cautious and waiting for the right moment would Fred possibly be able to win.
Suddenly, a shrill, deafening bell sounded. The showdown had begun.
Though Fred's first impulse was to charge on all his opponents, he knew that this would not be wise. So he concealed himself within the shadows, unseen to all, yet carefully watching each event of the battle. He studied each warrior thoroughly, extremely attentive to every detail, in order to gain any sort of a tactical advantage over the others. But after a few moments, he wasn't sure he would need it; it seemed that most of the contestants were defeating each other already.
Fred watched in astonishment as Batman, Gotham's dark protector and skilled detective, pitted his flawless combat techniques against the raging reptilian behemoth called Godzilla. He saw professional basketball player Shaquille O'Neill being mercifully beaten by singer Aaron Carter, while both were crushed under the impact of the one-of-a-kind Batmobile. He observed the terrible fight between martial arts master Jackie Chan and world-renowned adventurer Indiana Jones, both struggling to overcome the other with his own unique attack method of choice. And of course, Mr. Rogers saw former United States president Abraham Lincoln, now resurrected from the grave, battle the mightiest of all Transformers, the mechanical Optimus Prime, and watched in astonished horror as both were defeated by a simple attack from a mere Care Bear. Mr. Rogers contemplated the horror of all he had just seen, and knew that, sadly, this battle would be full of many such instances. He would have to ignore the pain and just fight, keep fighting, until he was the only one left. He considered preparing to make his move-
Fred's thoughts were interrupted by a sound like none heard on Earth, the beautiful harmony of angelic voices singing together, accompanied by a blinding luminescence from the heavens. "Whatever this is,", Fred said to himself, "It's going to be big"
And then, there he was. All the fighting had ceased and everyone was looking skyward in anxious anticipation of what would happen. They saw him--there was no mistaking who it was. His amazing feats had been told far and wide, as well as broadcasted on national television, for years. It was the one who had counted to infinity--twice--and who was said to be able to divide numbers by zero. The one who had allegedly beaten the sun in a staring contest, and defeated a brick wall in tennis. The one whose tears were said to be able to cure cancer, if only he had ever cried. Arguably the mightiest warrior of them all-
It was the great Chuck Norris.
All the contestants were amazed by Chuck's unexpected yet majestic descent. So amazed, in fact, was Indiana Jones, that he was totally unprepared to defend himself when Chuck arrived and landed a fairly strong kick to the former. Indiana collapsed, excruciating pain flowing through his whole body; he was out of the game.
Batman, a cunning and intelligent master of strategy and planning, knew that Chuck was powerful and could not be taken out without a plan. He thought it might be best to temporarily revert to his alter ego, Bruce Wayne, so he would look inconspicuous and non-threatening while he thought of a plan to bring Chuck to his knees. But even as he traded the dark cape and cowl for an expensive suit and tie, Chuck was watching, and was not fooled. Skilled as he was, Batman's combat and tactics were no match for those of Chuck Norris, who quickly and efficiently disarmed his foe. Batman, too, was down for the count.
"Now who's next?", Chuck asked with an extremely Texan accent. "Anyone else wanna try their luck against me"
As if in response to his challenge, what looked like a small army began to appear, seemingly out of nowhere. Dozens of people, all with varying strengths and abilities, from very different worlds and diverse backgrounds, all now stood defiantly before Chuck Norris, boldly accepting the challenge of a fight. As Chuck tried to advance further down the battlefield, an old, bearded man at the front of the army raised a staff and shouted, "You shall not pass"
At these words, the battle was on. The large group, composed of heroes and villains; humans, aliens, and machines; warriors and celebrities; historical figures, movie stars random other characters, ambushed Chuck Norris all at once, boldly risking their own lives for the noble cause of defeating their one common enemy. This portion of the showdown alone was easily as fierce and bloody as the entire rest of the battle, but to prevent insanity and chronic depression, the details will be spared. Eventually, the impossible happened--Chuck Norris fell to the ground in defeat.
Fred Rogers was just as shocked as anyone at this new revelation, but he wasn't going to let the formidable army take him by surprise. "It's now or never.", he told himself, preparing for battle and quickly springing into action.
There were two very old men at the front of the army; Mr. Rogers recognized them as Gandalf the Gray and Gandalf the White, two forms of the same wizard who existed in slightly different time periods. Fred didn't know how they were both here at once, but it didn't matter. Before either could move, Mr. Rogers used his brute strength to crush each wizard's staff, the primary source of their power. Once this was done, he moved on.
The next opponent, armed with sword and shield and clad in fine armor, appeared to be a skilled fighter and worthy foe. But Fred knew better. This was the Black Knight, who had easily been defeated by King Arthur. With a couple of quick punches, Fred dislodged both the Knight's arms and moved on, despite protests from his opponent that their fight was not over.
Next, there were four of them who all came together. Former Italian dictator Benito Mussolini; some sort of unusual being called the Blue Meanie; and of course, Cowboy Curtis with his friend Jambe the Genie. Fred knocked out Benito before he could summon te Nazi army, and didn't give Jambe a chance to use any magic against him; in moments, these four were finished.
Fred was then approached by another formidable foursome: the mechanical Robocop and the terrible Terminator, accompanied by Captain Kirk of the Enterprise and the Sith Lord Darth Vader. Dodging bullets from the first two kept Mr. Rogers busy for a while, but then he skillfully plucked the gun from Terminator's hand and used it to defeat its owner, as well as Robocop and Captain Kirk. Then, he simply summoned the power of the Force and used it to combat Darth Vader's own dark Force powers, and even his incredible lightsaber skills. They would not bother Fred again.
Next was Lo-Pan, an ancient Chinese warrior, and Superman, the last survivor of Krypton who now fought for truth, justice, and the American way. Several consecutive blows to the face quickly disabled Lo-Pan, but Superman was nearly invulnerable; he would be another story. Then, Fred remembered. He reached into his pocket, infinitely glad he had always kept a piece of green Kryptonite on him. "I knew this would come in handy some day!", Fred said to himself as he flung the rock at Superman, exposing him to the only substance that could hurt him.
The battle was tiresome and beginning to take its toll on Mr. Rogers, but it wasn't over yet. He looked up into the air to see several teenagers in brightly colored, corny-looking costumes, all wielding weapons and doing martial arts moves. The Power Rangers. Seeing how many there were, Fred wouldn't have been surprised if it had been every single Power Ranger. He approached the red one--apparently the leader--and began to attack. However, he hadn't foreseen the formation of the Megazord, the gigantic robotic combination of all the Rangers' vehicles. The robot was huge and not short on power. Fred would never be able to face it alone. He did, however, have his own equivalent to a Zord--the Trolley, which quickly ran over and defeated the mighty Megazord.
Just as this had happened, a telephone booth appeared out of nowhere, and out stepped two average-looking teenage boys. Mr. Rogers recognized them as Bill S. Preston and Theodore Logan, more commonly called Bill and Ted. Though the boys had had several excellent adventures traveling through time, they had no special powers or weapons, and were easy victims to Mr. Rogers' unbeatable attacks. Finally, came the last leg of the army: an alien, a super villain, and two professional wrestlers, who were known to the world as Spock, Doc Ock, the Rock, and Hulk Hogan, respectively. Doctor Octopus willed his deadly metal arms to lunge out at Mr. Rogers, but the latter was too quick--he grabbed the mad scientist's artificial tentacles and tied them together in a knot. Then, using his firm hold on the metallic appendages, he lifted the mortified Doc Ock up into the air and used him to hit the other three in the group, knocking out all four simultaneously. Fred let go of the unconscious villain and slumped to the ground, extremely worn out and tired. "No...", he told himself, trying to muster his strength. "It can't end now...I've defeated the small army, but the Showdown can't be over"
But then, he looked around him. The bodies of his fallen opponents lay strewn all around. Many were injured, some were dead, and the rest were otherwise incapacitated. It was almost too good to be true, but Fred saw no one else standing. None but himself. He, Mr. Rogers, had won the ultimate showdown.
He was the ultimate champion.
(Author's note: Just to make things clear, I do not support the language choice in some small parts of the original song. For example, when I taped my own copy of the song, I modified it slightly so that the large group towards the end came out of nowhere lightning quick, not fast, and instead of doing something that rhymed with fast, they merely gave Chuck Norris a really hard kick)