A little background:

The following was written for my Freshman Comp class. The assignment was to write a definition paper wherein we were to define Greatness and choose a figure who exemplifies our definition. The main rule was to differentiate between greatness and goodness, as the two are commonly lumped together but technically not the same. For my paper, I decided to take a stab at satire. It's rather short which makes it a great quick read for all those short-attention-spanned, TV-afflicted youths out there.

Speaking of which, those of you who are keen on cult television comedy may find the "eighty percent" joke somewhat familiar. It is an homage to a joke used on the wonderful and long-since-cancelled Strangers with Candy (big Colbert fan!). I say this because I wanted to establish that my intention was indeed homage, not blatant plagiarism.

And, now, without further ado...

"American Greatness at its Finest"

What is greatness? Great is a funny word in that it is so synonymous with good. As a formality, it should be stated that the two (for purposes of this little literary venture, anyway) are not necessarily related. In other words, a great man is not always a good man. After having made that distinction, greatness somehow becomes harder to define. What makes for a great man? To whom would it be appropriate to attribute greatness? Unfortunately, these questions can be evaded no longer. Greatness can be defined as an attribute credited to those who display integrity, confidence, and a firm grasp of their perception of right and wrong. Who exemplifies this definition? Many great men and women come to mind. Franklin Delano Roosevelt was great. Harriet Tubman was great. Mahatma Ghandi was great. Even Adolf Hitler fits the bill. However, since the writer likes a good challenge, the focus will not be on any of these obvious subjects. The writer- who may or may not cease to shamelessly acknowledge herself in her own writing- has picked an arguably unlikely candidate for greatness. He is a man whose name is heard around the world. Indeed, the mere utterance of this man's name provokes an eclectic array of reactions. According to extensive, exhaustive, and possibly fictional statistical research, it is true that eighty percent of these reactions are expressions of disgust, sadness, and unspeakable rage. However, the other eighty percent of these reactions of those of are reverence, respect, and support for the great man who currently leads a great nation into an eventual great oblivion.

President George W. Bush is great because he is a man of impeccable integrity. He is a man of staunch consistency and firmly grounded beliefs. He cannot and will not be swayed by the opinions or best interests of others. His mind will not be changed by mind-changing information and events. When contradicted by reality, President Bush simply scoffs and vaguely explains how his (correct) perception of said reality differs from everyone else's because, as one great American Stephen Colbert put it, "reality has a well known liberal bias." Indeed, he is a man that stands up for his views and actions regardless of their rationale. He is unmovable! The exertion of force against him is overwhelming, but he will not budge.

President Bush is great because only a great man could have the clout to thwart the many threats that endanger the American way of life, the greatest threat of all being, of course, change. America is perfectly content in her current state of discontent. She is very comfortable exactly where she is, and progression would cause her to have to get up move forward. How would the country be expected to adjust to such crazy things as gay rights or medical advances yielded by embryonic stem cell research? It is a known fact that the American people are incapable of adapting to new societal norms. This is exemplified by well known failures in American history such as the Industrial Revolution and civil rights movements; it is not as if those things ever caught on. Of course, President Bush fully realizes this and wisely does not waste his or America's time on such nonsense. After all, why fix what is not in a state of being not broken?

Finally, President Bush is great because he thinks so. A normal person's insecurities regarding his thoughts and actions is a reflection on his normal human nature. The people of America can be grateful that their leader is no normal human being, but some sort of super human who is devoid of self-doubt and objective-mindedness. Sure, nay-sayers may call a man with nothing but complete confidence in his infallability arrogant. However, many yea-sayers vehemently deny that nasty accusation, citing the President's unfettered and unfounded confidence as evidence of the decisiveness and leadership of a man who is never, ever wrong about anything. In fact, Americans could very well take the administration's sound advice by casting a blind eye, a deaf ear, and a severely handicapped mentality on the goings-on outside of their own lives and still rest assured that the President is always selflessly acting in the best interest of at least four Americans including himself. In a Bushtopia, there is no need to ask questions. There is no need for concerns or action. There is, however, need for a "Decider." George W. Bush is the "Decider," and if he wanted the average American's two cents, he'd ask for it.

Greatness is a confusing concept, so it seems fitting to attribute it to a man who probably finds many concepts confusing. In defining greatness, one important feature was accidentally excluded, only to be suddenly remember and lazily tacked on in these last few lines of prose. That feature is legacy. All great men leave permanent marks in history and in their societies. George W. Bush has, of course, left marks far and wide that will not soon be forgotten. By this logic, he is truly one of the greats.