At rise: Peter is sitting at computer desk.
Peter: What's the perfect opening line for a play? (Gets flash of inspiration) I got it! How about: "Fuck you!" (Types)
(Character 1 enters behind Peter as he types. Throughout the play, characters 1 and 2 will serve as characters present only in Peter's mind, acting out what he is writing.)
Character 1: (young and angry) Fuck You!
Peter: Yeah, that'll be perfect. Get everyone's attention, instantly create conflict…….. (Character 1 exits as Peter becomes doubtful) Or not…..maybe begin with a statement on life (types).
(Character 1 enters)
Character 1: (now an old, wise man) Psychologists are too pricey. Back in my day, we didn't have psychologists….we had HOOKERS! Same end result- you got therapy and you got screwed. Hell of a lot more fun, and most of all CHEAPER!
Peter: (Exultant) Hilarious and profound…hopefully! And it can create conflict (types) like this.
(Character 2 enters)
Character 2: Grandpa George! What the hell did you just say?
Character 1: (pleadingly) I don't want to go to a psychologist, Martha. I wanna buy a hooker.
Character 2: Are you kidding Grandpa?! (gently)You're 90 years old-your wrinkly old cock would snap right off.
Peter: (frustrated) Wait a minute-this is going nowhere!! (Both characters exit) I'll listen to music for awhile-that might give me an idea! (puts on headphones, selects a song, begins singing along) All you need is love- Yah de dah dah dah…..ahhhh, fuck that. (Changes song) "Movvve Bitch, get out the way, get out the way bitch get out the way!" Hell yeah! That gives me an idea (types as Character 1 enters).
Character 1: (now young, serious and meditative) I was born on February 10, 1988. On February 12, 2000, I was watching an episode of MTVs Undressed and out of nowhere…..my balls dropped.
Peter: Excellent. It'll be sort of like The Vagina Monologues, only about guys, like "The Testicle Monologues" or somethingggg…..wait- that's a shitty idea too (Character 1 exits). Fuck--ass! Damn you Ludacris! Okay, maybe something else. Something romantic….(types)
(Character 2 enters, followed by Character 1)
Character 2: (now a 30 something housewife) I'm leaving you John. I know you've been a loving husband—faithful, supportive, all that shit. But I've met a new man, and in comparison…….your penis is just too small. (Character 1 breaks down) I'm not saying small on an objective scale, just on a comparison with Robert-
Character 1: (sobbing, screaming) BUT WHYYYY……!
Character 2: (confused) I just told you why.
Character 1: But Blanche, there's more to a relationship than sex!
Character 2: (gently) Of course, dear--smoking in the dark afterwards.
Character 1: What are you, some sort of desperate housewife?!
Character 2: (giggles) No, just a horny one.
Peter: Hold on, hold on.
(Both Characters exit)
Peter: Now that's just fucking gay. I need something hardboiled (types).
(Character 1 enters, dragging Character 2 with him)
Character 1: (now an obvious drug dealer) What happened to the motherfucking heroin!? Come on, tell me, you crazy bitch! I need to sell that brick to pay my college tuition. That's right, I'm gonna get an education- double fucking major in marketing and criminal justice!
Character 2: (now a cowering street whore) Please, it wasn't my fault! My pimp took it! Jesus Christ, I only became a streetwalker to help pay the bills!
Character 1: What the hell are you talking about? Oh, what the fuck--I'll go find your pimp and kill him myself!
Character 2: (relieved) Thank you! I can finally get out of the long slow, spiral of whoredom!
Character 1: Are you kidding bitch? I'm pimping you myself after this. I'm cutting your rate though. Minimum ho wage from now on for you.
Character 2: (horrified) How much is that?
Character 1: How the fuck should I know? I'll ask my marketing professor.
(Both Characters exit)
Peter: And Blackouttttttt! That was perfect! Worthy of Dave Chappele;- Great American- Chappele. Too bad about him losing his fucking mind……..huh, that'll do great for a beginning to something, I can always extend it….(behind him Character 1 enters, and for the first time, addresses Peter)
Character 1: (Drug Dealer Character) Hey. (Peter jerks around) I understand you have a heroin brick that doesn't belong to you.
Peter: What the fuck? Who-
Character 1: Oh sure, motherfucker. Play innocent. Alright, cut the shit, show me the heroin and I'll kill you quick.
Peter: What the hell are-
Character 1: Fine, we'll do it the hard way then. (Grabs Peter and drags him offstage as Peter screams in terror)