An Immodest Proposal


For too long the science department, particularly the Biology and Anatomy/Physiology classes, has been under-funded. We propose to correct this problem by opening a small business within the school—all profits earmarked for the science department. Even better, the business will only need the teachers and students of the department to function properly. The current proposed name of the business is "Student Bodies".

Now, some may worry about running a strip club out of a high school. In reality it's quite practical. The club will not open for several hours after the end of school, and only students eighteen years of age or older will be allowed to work. As there are many senior-only or mainly senior classes offered within the science department, eighteen year olds shouldn't be in short supply. The students' wages won't take much from the profits—they only have to reach minimum wage once their pay is averaged with tips. If they're any good, the school might not have to pay them anything. Teachers put in charge of managing the club won't be paid any more than their regular salary, as this would now be part of their required job. Also, the students will receive an education from working in the strip club.

Anatomy/Physiology students and Biology students have the greatest apparent advantage from viewing the work of the club. In addition to them having this hands-on experience with seeing human anatomy in action, the school will save money by needing to purchase less dissection specimens. Physics students can view the dancing to learn more about kinetic motion, again saving precious dollars spent on lab equipment. The psychology/sociology students might learn more about the human mind and behavior by examining the interaction between the students and their customers. The chemistry students might need to work a bit harder to learn something from the business, but perhaps they could interview the dancers about how the build-up of lactic acid affects their performance. There isn't a student at the high school that wouldn't benefit from participating in the strip club. If they learn the dance skills, working in "Student Bodies" would lead to a PE credit waiver. Even if they fail to receive educational input, they would be learning responsibility, social interaction, and how work can benefit the community.

The labs currently installed in the science department will be perfect for the club once some poles are attached to the lab tables. As the tables the students dance on at night would be the same ones they perform experiments on in the day, they would be far more likely to keep their work areas clean. They aren't going to want to perform atop nasty chemical spills. Truly, the high school is the perfect place for a strip club.

For too long our children's education has been second-rate due to low funding. It's time we took a stand and did what's right for our children and the generations to follow. Let us institute "Student Bodies" and never see our science department suffer from cash-flow problems again.