Selling My Soul

An adventure in economics


A/N: This was not my actual presentation

Brief Description of Event: The student will play the role of a salesperson at a retail store. She will conduct a sales presentation.

Materials student supplies: Pen/pencil, note cards (I used a computer instead); one retail item and related item for suggestion selling. This is where the fun begins.

In bold lettering are the performance indicators I need to keep in mind.

Addressing people properly:

Hail Satan, Prince of Darkness, Adversary of all that is Good!

Establishing relationships with customers:

Hello! Did you find the place alright?

Yes, I know my diseased mind sends psychic emanations the color and odor of a particularly succulent corpse.

You saw my E-bay add? Awesome, I knew I hadn't wasted time by posting it up there! Time is money, you know.

I'm sorry; I didn't mean to waste yours.

Yes, Your Darkness sir. No sir.

Determining customer needs:

So, I'm done my research on Your Darkness. With this cosmic battle between the forces of Good and Evil only a few millennia away, I figured you'd want all the powers and souls at your command as possible. Including me.

Why thank you, Your Dark Lordship.

Demonstrating a product:

Well, this is a little awkward. I'm afraid it may be a little hard to show my soul when it's still in my body…

What? I don't have to disencartnate? Why thank you, Your Dark Lordship.

Moving on…my soul was created by God back at the beginning of my existence. You know God, a really trustworthy manufacturer; I've heard great things said-

I'm sorry. I forgot that God and Your Dark Lordship are in fierce competition over the same demographics. That is, you are each striving to attract new customers, keep existing ones, and take customers away from other companies.

Sorry, sir.

My soul is really great, though. It's what enables me to think, act, and contemplate beauty. If you'll forgive my saying, you could probably do with one yourself. Of course. That's why I'm selling you mine.

Not to mention that, being made by God, my soul has a 100 eternity-long warranty! Nice, because I'm sure that souls in your service take a beating, eh? Heh-heh.

Using feature/benefit selling:

So my soul is like any of six billion others, you say?

Au contraire, my Dark Lordship!

Mine is 100 unique. Otherwise, Occam's Razor would have cut me out long ago. And you too, Your Dark Lordship.

Just mentioning.

My personality is built up of experiences experienced by me, and only by me. You'll never find another of me if you look for a million years. Guaranteed.

Converting customer objections into selling points:

If you're worried about costs, I'm happy to tell you that my soul is very economically priced. I ask only a gorgeous spouse, a home on Laguna beach, five million dollars a year off the stock market, and no lawsuits and bottomless happiness until the day I die. Which I don't want to be for a while.

My soul will work perfectly, serving in the Dark Legions until the Day of Judgment. And it will work for you.

But this offer can't wait! God's angels are on the line, trying to save me from this drastic act even now! Given enough time and they just might…change my mind.

Closing the sale:

So what do you say? Shake on it? Sign in blood?

Or sign in…that. Yeah, that'll work.

Demonstrate suggestion selling:

While you're considering my own soul, why not go with those of my children, my best friends, my best friends' children and that of my elderly mother?

Oh. No, I hadn't known Mum sold hers to you forty years ago.

Although that does explain…

Overall impression of seller:

Thank you for your business, Your Dark Lordship. Please remember me-

Yes. Yes, I know you will.

Do you have any further questions?

I never thought of that. Yes, I suppose if you buy my soul you will be stuck with me for eternity.

Isn't it wonderful?