Ok, a lovestory hanging between reality and imagination,yet intriguing, Enjoy!
The one who saved me...
Life is like the flicker of a candle, a flame which dances in the presence of air. Disappears in a simple touch of liquid or breeze of wind, it is not immortal but mortal whilst trapped within the thickest coating of wax. The flame glows, its radiance emitting into its surroundings to throw light. I never knew it would be this painful to breathe, to see, to remember even to think. As if existing was a curse. I have no friends anymore. Don't need any. They change. Everyone changes with time, like seasons with weather. Their laughing smiles slowly transform into masks of pretense. Like indignant hypocrites.
These thoughts swirled like a moving portrait of confusing art in my mind, slowly a neglected rage formed inside me, every time it desired to break out or finally flare like irate flames of hell an essence kept reflecting it back inside. As if every time a beast broke through the chastising cage, a sense of awareness continually imprisoned it without mercy. As if I couldn't move, couldn't talk neither respond to anything. A painful urge to break down – to cry out into darkness writhed from inside me but I swallowed it all in, refusing to succumb myself to weakness.
Despite all my attempts to conceal such pain from exposure, the tears pricked through my vision like unstoppable stabs of a thousand needles. At first they were frozen as I fought with my soul not to disintegrate into broken pieces of glass. My eyes looked down at the sight of candle still lit.
My body trembled like a weakened corpse to a brush of frigid wind. For the first time in many years I felt like a hopeless child, abandoned. The feeling was familiar, felt many times before but this time it was different. Suddenly everything around me seemed to mock me in derision of failure. I don't know what it was that kept persuading me to succumb into arms of darkness. To feel and break down. But when I finally gave in… it was too late to control it. The moment a tear dropped from these eyes I was doomed. My anger, at first glimpse of a perfect opportune wanted to break out.
My eyes wrenched open in terror. There was no escape. My body was already possessed by an unknown blaze of outrage, a suicidal intoxication boiling in every drop of blood. I could've sworn to not felt sane but quite unstable, feeling as if driven by a strange attraction towards pain. Fear slowly became overwhelmed by insanity, nothing more. I screamed out in fury, unable to tolerate even existing in life. This strong depression whirling around me felt like a lingering ghost. Memories flashed before me like images of an elapsed time. Memories of mom's final smile before she died, Dad's ignorance whilst he was, as always, busy with my twin Tara.
I forced myself to create a circle by pouring petrol around me, from a gallon found in the back bonnet of Dad's car. Don't ask what my plan is because I don't know myself. Remembering everything that had ignored me, avoided my presence and anything which tried to hurt me I bathed myself in fuel, eyes closed. It wasn't suicide but self destruction. Then threw the candle into a random direction and allowed a circle of hellfire to ignite a room into a chamber of fiery flames. It wasn't long before everyone came hurrying towards my room and stopped. Especially Dad's scream as he called my name several times. Something that normally wouldn't be heard.
"Yulia! Yulia get out of there!" his loud voice pled, yet I refused and instead dropped to my knees in surrender crying all this pain out "Tara! Call the Fire Brigade! Yulia honey come out!"
"Neither of you love me, neither of you care!" I shouted out glad to have been released from grief and depression "All your emotions are fake! A bunch of fake pretense! I'll die… die holding so much pain inside… so much agony- so much loneliness!"
I closed my eyes and touched the ring of fire, hesitantly. There was no pain but the collision paralyzed me as my body succumbed itself to devouring flames. Only a tear had dropped before every part of me was being smoldered in hell. Staring from the wrist, across and all over. The last thing I heard was Dad's shriek and Tara's scream both uttering my name. I didn't scream in agony, it was painless. No fear. No suffering neither any bruises but an instance that felt like an eternity of relief. Death had cast mercy and had embraced my soul without hurting. Then a voice spoke out of silence.
It belonged to a man. A familiar voice I could not decipher whom it was. Yet it felt so recognizable and resembled my heartbeats. As if it was a part of me. Or something that though it was apart and outside at this instance he resembled…… a guardian? Fear awoke and a mere regret began to deteriorate my bearings. I could even feel a pair of warm yet soft hands cupping my cheeks, unseen face only inches away from mine. Time ceased to exist just for a while then.
Dear god… what have I done?
"Yulia, don't be afraid I am here with you…let yourself go"
I wanted to say something. Fire an answer back to whomever or whatever it was. I clutched my hands into tightened fists, refusing to let go of life and myself. But the heart inside me kept beating at his presence. Through these flames which were burning immensely more tears could be felt trying to escape and he even wiped them. How could it be possible for this person who held me was not burning? Soon the hands moved away and a pair of arms encircled around my waist as if in an embrace.
"I am burning with you, Yulia – I won't let these flames hurt you at all' the hold tightened "you're not alone anymore, you're with me"
"Don't let me go, don't leave me"
It wasn't my reply, but belonged to my heart still beating. A voice from within my soul. Who was this? It couldn't be Dad, definitely not possible… regardless of such mystery I had already succumbed to death itself for relief, release and to escape. The world faded from dark red to pitch black, into an endless void of nonentity. Where there was nothing existent or alive but only a hand grasping mine, and an awareness of my soul's imprisonment.
Hours passed before I could finally gain sight and was bewildered, to have found myself not in the scenario as before but a world of what seemed like… imaginary. Ruthless shadows surrounding me and a vague immortality that seemed to have separated my soul from its own body, it must be a dream or some nightmare. The impact must have been great. In place of fear there was confusion and bewilderment of ghostly writings appearing everywhere. They read several words, several sentences yet felt like their meanings was the same.
A voice whispered through the emptiness. And for the first time I wasn't cautious like I'd normally be with strangers. I don't know why but a part of me knew him. As if known for an eternity and it was similar to the man who had held me whilst burning.
"Time is ever so relentless, isn't it?" the words echoed as his presence walked, still shaded under mystery
"Who are you?" I asked trying to back away
"Who am I?" he chuckled like some maniac "Very amusing question, I must ask you the same"
"Where am I?"
"Don't ask 'where am I?'… ask 'when am I'"
"You're insane, whoever you are"
"Neither of us know, who is who"
"Shut up! You're just an illusion! An illusion! Your words are all imaginary!!"
I wanted to shut my eyes and close my ears. His words were nothing but riddles. Pathetic and ridiculous sentences. But I couldn't realizing dreams are something, though shown to you in your absence of consciousness there is no possibility of coursing your will against its events. Yet no sign of fear or terror was present but an intolerable pain of isolation.
His silky voice laughed at my response and continued on "Imaginary? True. But at this instance, you do not exist either"
"I am real because I am the one dreaming not you-
"Even I might be dreaming, what difference does it make?"
"You have no face, no reflection or identity"
"Again, true. Those created by the illusion of mind have no identity, no reflection neither no face… but consider this, can you see yourself?"
"Yes I can!-
I stopped midway, shocked at how my hands weren't visible but black objects. My eyes looked down to find nothing but the form of a darkened shadow.
"Wha-wha-what happened to me?" I cried trying to flail my hands to feel my body only to feel the texture of a corrupted statue and kneel down in defeat "But I-I-I do exist…"
"You did. This realm which you consider a dream… is not far from the purgatory, the path towards hell or heaven"
"I am dying…" my voice was strangled inside the throat
"We can assume so for now, but what if… what if something is preventing you from moving on? What if something doesn't want you to be dead?"
I looked up "What you mean?"
Though his face was nothing but the shadow of darkness, I could sense his menacing smile "Those who find themselves in unconsciousness, do not come here at all"
"So-yo-you mean I am stuck here?"
"You didn't hear me say that, now did you-
"But you meant it"
"Those who are driven to madness, to suicide… end here for an eternity of inexorable torture"
"Tell me, was your life taken or did you end it yourself?"
Once again I lowered my head unable to answer. Then something struck me. The fire. His voice and reassuring embrace.
"You… you were there-
"Holding you in an embrace, not letting anything hurt you at all? Yes, it was me who stopped you from dying, from disappearing into ashes… from being lost-
"But why? WHY?" I shrieked with what could've been there, like tears "Why didn't you let me save myself when I realized my mistake?"
Wanting an answer from him, of why he was being so mysterious knowing that himself had not saved me, but condemned me to nothing… it was then that his unseen hands cupped my cheeks just as before and I could feel his lips not far from mine, if they were even there.
"Because I wanted you… I was meant to be your savior, your guardian since your birth and from the time you imagined me as a child… remember?"
At first I wanted to object. To give a stern reply of no, but memories came back with pain and remorse. Yes, I recognized him but couldn't grasp the memories of ever having him with me or even imagining.
"Do not worry, you don't have to remember. I'll remind you, stranger"
Once again I felt myself being embraced by him. The world closed away. Death or survival, neither mattered now. Whether time was passing or stopped, didn't matter either. What mattered was that I was with him, in his arms… in his embrace.
"I don't even know your name-
"You never named me"
"I feel lonely, scared… why are you here to comfort me? Why did you save me? Why?"
"You ask too many questions to answer, you'll know soon"
"Please tell me"
I felt a sad smile spread across his lips and the hug tightened.
"Because I loved you since the beginning of time…"
That's it for now, should I continue?