Macabre

Have you ever gotten tired of all that living that you seem to be doing? Ever wish there was something you could do about it? Well, there is. All you have to do is die. Now don't get started with all that negative hubbub; I'm sure you've heard all the misconceptions about how big, bad, and scary death is. Truly, though, once you give it a chance, you may find you like it.

"How do I go about this business of dying?" you may ask. Well, my eager friend, that's more a decision of personal preference. Do you want to pass on with your remaining dignity intact or do you want to really wow the local obituary readers? If you prefer the former, the more mundane manners of suicide may be for you. You know, your standard knife-wounds, gunshots, and closet-hangings. However, if you would prefer to go out with a bang, consider trying something a bit more creative.

Perhaps the easiest and most common way to make a spectacle is to jump from a high place, such as a building or a bridge. Once at your intended peak, just start rambling on and on about random things that make no sense until you manage to draw an adequate crowd. Then just take a leap of faith. Or, perhaps you would prefer a more proactive method. Simply head to a nearby gun show and acquire some kind of ancient death-making weapon, such as a sword or a rustic crossbow. Then head to the industrial section of town and begin screaming something about your "lord and master, Satan." After you draw a crowd and some cops, shout a battle-cry and end your wretched existence. These methods are both classics, and there is even a possibility of being the featured story on the eleven o'clock news, but there's a risk of getting arrested should you decide to abort.

So then do it in the comfort of your own home, while you relax in the tub. Simply place a toaster on the edge of the tub and hop into the soothing bathwater. Then, oops! and there you go. This is, however, not foolproof, especially for those of us who prove to be resilient. But it creates an amusing light show either way, and in the end, that's all that matters. Don't have a toaster? You could turn on your trusty gas oven and insert your head. Ah, poisonous fumes. Breathe in the refreshing scent and wonder why you couldn't think of a better way to commit suicide; perhaps one that doesn't involve placing your head in a household appliance. It's not like anyone will believe it was an accident anyway.

Fortunately, I happen to know a way to make it look like an accident while guaranteeing you air time on the nightly news. All you have to do is hang yourself from the blinds in your bedroom. Someone will find you in the morning and assume you were trying to get high, and then they'll form a nonprofit organization in your name. Ironically immortalized in your death.

"But what if I'm a bit squeamish about suicide?" you might wonder. Don't worry, there are ways to make sure you end up dead without actually killing yourself.

Situational suicide, for example, is purposefully putting yourself into an absurdly precarious situation with the intent of dying. Attending a heavy metal concert with a Justin Timberlake T-shirt on; wearing a turban in Israel; going first in a game of Russian roulette with a 9mm; having Martha Stewart as your financial advisor; marrying O.J. Simpson; the list goes on and on. The beauty of it is that, since you were technically murdered, you are forever blameless of suicide. Ah, loopholes.

If you are still alive by this point, then congratulations, you've failed at suicide and you are now even more of a waste than when you started reading this. My only other suggestion for you is to take this paper and repeatedly inflict paper-cuts upon your wrists and throat until you bleed to death. Have a nice day.