A/n: Had to redo this chapter. Sorry it took forever. Thank you so much for reading! smileys
The way to be
To grab someone else's knee
singingducky---- Journal 124:
Today was the epitome of lame endings, or rather ridiculous confessions. Oh trust me, this one beat out The Psycho Engine by a mile. Despite all my attempts to flee from him, that ridiculous boy has found his own little way to our lunch table on A-days and there is absolutely zero help coming from Elliot. All he does is sit there laughing his ass off the entire time. Some friend. I try to glare at him mouthing, "Shut up!" hoping that he will have the courtesy to at least stifle his snickers. But he just goes on, still laughing through his glasses at me, the hair that hangs over his eyes not even attempting to hide his sick amusement. Benjamin even sees it as an invitation to come right on and join us. If Elliot hadn't grinned so much that first day he sat with us, we probably wouldn't be in this mess. Then Elliot keeps reprimanding me saying, "But he's your true love." If only homicide was legal.
So everyday Benny Boy just pulls up a seat right next to me and starts his daily monologue. I don't even remember half of what he says. I stopped listening after he started getting into the impact of Star Wars then comparing it to the negative uses of plastic. I didn't understand it either. What made me actually listen to him in the first place, I will never know.
One day I was even stuck next to him, practically crawling into Elliot's lap due to someone's sad attempt at footsie. First off, I think it's creepy to begin with no matter who the person happens to be and with him, it is not only supremely creepy, but painful. He sits there rambling on forever stomping my foot to oblivion. I don't know how he manages to do both. It takes some serious coordination to keep up that ongoing monologue, while at the same time also killing my foot in rhythm. I'm serious. I haven't figured out the song yet, but there's a pulse. Maybe it's his monologue in Morse code, but, to be honest, I sincerely do not believe he's smart enough to do that.
So as I was curling into the fetal position against Elliot attempting to escape Benjamin who seemed to be moving closer all the time, something coughed. I tilted my head to Elliot and he just nodded up, rolling his eyes.
Seb stood there awkwardly, wringing his hands smiling wryly above me.
"Hey Seb..." That was all I could think of saying as I watched him totally bewildered at his sudden appearance. Ever since that day in the cafeteria he hadn't come near me. In fact, it seemed like he was almost avoiding me. The day before I had even seen him physically walk backwards out of the hall staring at me the entire time, totally ditching the friend he was with. The poor girl looked so confused and even a little disappointed when he left. I couldn't help but laugh. Really, what was his appeal?
Sure, before I thought of him as a demi-god, absolutely perfect in every light. He was kind, funny, smart, sweet, and the laundry list would just go on from there, but as I watched him then, that golden aura that used to obscure him had disintegrated. There stood just a regular guy, a very good-looking Hispanic one, but a regular one none the less. It also helped a bit with Min now calling him Senor Full-of-himself, though it was a little undeserved, but Min wouldn't dare listen to my protests. "No fighting. Senor Full-of-himself and that's final." Sometimes I worry for her sanity. Then again, that's what Beck always says about me, maybe I should check into that.
The ex-demi-god twisted his hands further, "Um...hey Emma, I just-"
"Sebastian! Oh, sit down, sit down!" Benjamin had finally come to, the shock of being interrupted almost being too much for his fragile soul. Everything he had to say was so ridiculously important who would dare interrupt him? Pft.
I glanced at Elliot while Seb sat opposite of us, the amusement had left his eyes and he just sat there cold and unresponsive. I jabbed him wordlessly gritting my teeth in a poor example of a smile, twisting it to the side. No reaction, he just blinked at me for a second before ignoring the rest of us, ducking into his sketch pad.
"What brings you here?" Benjamin trilled, chin balanced on his intertwined fingers.
"I just came to talk to Emma and I-" Elliot's eyes shot up to glare at him for second, but just as quick he ducked back into his sketch.
"Oh, really?" He hummed curiously batting his eyelashes switching his chin to just one hand.
"Yeah, and I was hoping-"
"You silly boy," that's right he called him "silly". I think I threw up a bit just then, but held back still toying with the idea that I was his gay cover-up. Alas, my heart was broken. "You can't have her, she's my girlfriend." I blinked. Since when was I his girlfriend? Elliot finally came to life next to me shaking in quiet amusement. I dug my nails into his arm which only made him shake harder.
"I hate you," I hissed into his ear as Benjamin explained in engrossing detail how completely "devoted" we were to each other ever since our very first meeting, two weeks ago. How truly "meant to be" we were, two weeks is after all a very long time. Actually for Benjamin, it was "forever." Apparently he has always known of our true love and God just deemed this a worthy time to physically meet even though it didn't truly matter seeing as our souls were already entwined.
I could feel Elliot grin next to me. "I'm so castrating you in English." He nudged my shoulder with his, smiling apologetically. I wrinkled my nose at him disbelievingly. I could feel Seb watching us as he nodded along with the Psycho Engine. My expression fell into a mixture of embarrassment and annoyance. He obviously hadn't come just to listen to Benjamin go on about our "true love."
Elliot's eyes fell when he saw my discomfort under Seb's gaze. He shook his head mumbling something about having to get his camera back from Dr. T, the journalism teacher, and leaving me there without a thing to cling to.
Benjamin declared it was high time for him to get something or other and bid us temporarily ado. You could tell we were much dismayed by his farewell.
"Um... hey," I said after a few awkward moments of silence.
"Emma, I have to tell you something," the words seemed to tumble out of his mouth.
"I'm sorry?" I tilted my head to the side trying to comprehend the anxiety that wrinkled his forehead.
"Emma I'm really sorry. I knew you liked me, but I was always scared. A guy like me can't go out with just anyone, but you, you were so different and-"
"Wait a second," I held up my hand letting his mouth just hang in mid-sentence, "you knew?"
"Well, yes, but-"
"But you never said anything because I'm not good enough for you?" I pronounced each word letting them roll deliberately off my tongue.
"No, I told you I was scared and-"
"And now it's different?" I pursed my lips tucking a curl silently behind my ear then folding my arms across my front.
"Back then it wasn't important enough to me."
"So I wasn't important enough to you?" My voice was cold, but not enough for his pretty little head to really understand that I was fuming within.
"Yes," he breathed smiling at me like I finally understood. "But now it's different." His grin seemed to be reaching for the sky as he tried to tug me into a hug. I gripped the table as his arms wrapped around me. "You've changed."
At that moment I broke. I shoved him off of me bringing my hand back to slap him across the face leaving a good-sized red mark that would bruise later. He stumbled backwards almost falling off his seat.
"What was that for?" His eyes were wide totally bewildered that I would suddenly reject him.
"Oh so I had to change in order to be good enough for you?" I felt the sarcasm ripping through my words.
"I just want to know Sebastian." I blinked folding my hands in front of me. "What changed? What the hell suddenly made me good enough for you?"
"Just look at you, Em. You're gorgeous." He blinked still not understanding.
The sarcasm fell into a glare. It was true that I had lost weight from before and things had seemed to move around for the better, but how come only then was I good enough for him?
"I'm sorry, Seb," I bit off the words yanking my bag from the tile floor, "but that's just not a good enough answer for me." I glared down at him as I stood to stomp away, but I faltered a bit bewildered to see Benjamin practically stampeding across the cafeteria. A few Freshmen jumped back out of his way barely holding onto their trays.
"You," his voice seemed to come somewhere deep inside, from some hidden pocket of repressed rage. "You!" he pointed at him shoving Seb back further into his chair. "How dare you! You knew she was my true love and still you dare to touch her!" his voice was shrilly as the cafeteria grew silent not quite sure how to respond to their leading male getting pushed around by some psycho.
"Listen man, I didn't think you were for real," Seb struggled with his words trying to gain some ground by standing up, but he fell short to Benjamin a good three inches.
"You didn't think I was 'for real'?" his voice cold with sarcasm, and for the first time ever I actually thought I could fall in love with him. "You think interlocking souls is just a mind trick? You thought I was kidding when I said we were 'meant to be'? How could anyone ever joke about true love?" But my sudden love for him collapsed as I groaned inwardly. How could I forget he was the obsessive psycho we all know and want to run away from?
"I'm sorry man, I just-" Then Benjamin did something that made me love him all over again. He careened his fist back and punched Seb right across his beautiful, perfect face knocking him down to the tile floor. Seb blinked up totally confused.
"You just what?" Benjamin glared down at him, his fair skin burning like fire. Seb groaned holding his perfect face that would not look so pretty for the next week or so. "That's what I thought. Come on Emma. Let's leave this scum to rot." He held up his chin indignantly wrapping his arm tightly around my waist. I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from doubling over in laughter as Seb continued to roll around on the tile completely lost, his mind struggling with the concept that two people were now rejecting him.
And just as Benjamin was leading me out I found Elliot leaning against the double doors grinning his eyes alight once more. His rigid form from earlier had disappeared as he shook with laughter, those green eyes never letting me go. I should have known he had never even left the room.
I don't think I'm going to mind the Psycho Engine so much anymore if he continues to slug jerks like Seb for me.
Loving Insanity For Once,