in her life

she made me believe that i meant something to anyone.
and it hurts so much to realize that i believed anything she ever said
and that i ble(e)d for her and she never turned an ear to listen or even had
a heart to care (because i swear it's so cold i'm surprised it hasn't killed her.

and so much for trying to pretend that things were all right.
because nothing was ever okay the moment i admitted she changed
(and she could never imagine the strength it took me to admit that).
i never thought she wouldn't care because i thought i meant something
to her (but she proved me wrong when she left me to bleed in silence).

tell me i'm worth more than i know i'm not.
oh god, i can't love her. ican'tican'tican't.

everything in the past (more than a) year have broken the strength
i thought i had, releasing it in the form of blood, vomit, and tears.
i just don't understand how they can go on like nothing ever happened,
like i never mean(t) a thing. at first, i thought this was just selfishness
at its worst but i've learned it's love (for someone) at its best.
(especially when i can't let her go and i'm still giving her chances.)

no matter how hard i tell myself it isn't true, i swear they don't know
that i can't help but lead a double life especially when no one seems
to understand anything she put(s) me through (over and over again).

this is the end.
and i can't take the silence,
screaming at me in the face.
i swear it hurts more being near her
than it ever was being a p a r t.

it's kind of funny how i'm making deeper scars, knowing that i could walk up
to her and talk to her but everything inside of me is numb from (not) bleeding
(enough) when i need to (release the imperfections). oh, god, i need the blood
to keep me sane, to reassure that everything is okay (and that she never cared.)

two years ago, i didn't have to pretend.
happiness just came naturally.

i would do anything (oh god, anything) if she would just listen to me.
i swear it would be worth her time and this pain would finally be over.
i'm tired of this consuming me but i don't know how to let go of it
without her because everything i (have ever) do(ne) is for her, in hopes
that she would actually understand (but i don't want her sympathy
and i only buried her apathy in hopes for something better.)

and my deepest scars are reminders
of who i could never be perfect for.


author's note: this is the first time in a long time that i referred to her as "her" & "she." she's always been "you."