Months have slipped away, memories are obscure from nights of mind-altering messes, pieces that are unclear and meshed together. Bonds were only made because of shifted states and now when we pass each other on the street, an awkward silence is throttling me and we cannot look each other straight in the eye. I have just come to the discernment now, that none of them actually cared.
They quarrel to me when we encounter each other. The weekdays transcending seemed like too much of a task. These conversations are only about brawls and how we have all betrayed each other because of a dependency of dangerous chemicals. I have ceased from holding onto a string that has been torn for a long time. I was caught up in a reality world, with spurious "friends" who are now just acquaintances, a mere "how are you?" with a phony smile, but it is not sincere. They bicker that we do not spend time together - well, was the friendship even real? I believe it was not.
The times when my perception has changed, I see these bopping heads, these people with unfamiliar faces, I'm not akin to them. I had forgotten to relate to others, because it did not matter to me anymore - because my attitude was overpowered by haughtiness. Their concerns for me were not intentional, but only to twist words into that felt like knives impaling my stomach. You know, that gaping hole inside of you that expands because of hurtful words.
I was, and still am addicted to the thumping beats, glistening lights, the dance floor, the vibration from the sound system, the bonds, the embraces and heartfelt talks. But apparently that makes me a fiend, according to someone who believes that I am worthless. And for her to say that is like a wallop in the face, a pang to my insides. And that means that my life is shaping into a delusion crack-whore? Your assumptions are always wrong.
Maybe you are right - these rolled up bills, dirty mirrors, triturated substances... what was it all for? I ask myself this and all I can conjure up is: to open up a part of me that has never been tampered with and looking at everything in a new perspective.
The crisp smell of winter sends me back to walking up the street, sun beaming on my face but the cold stinging our fingers. It sends me back to when I stepped into my former home, that was invested with strangers, and you, it all revolved around him and his infamous head games.
I seem to forget how much time has elapsed. But I keep enduring this enigmatic circle that I have been lulled into, but only from myself. Time is only there to keep me grounded. But instead I would rather step into oblivion, choosing a fate that may lead me to forget these occurrences.
At least a part of me has experienced happiness, in an uplifting way that none of you never could.