I just remembered that you have this class next and here I am, ice in my seat, staring at my notes on the Articles of Confederation like I'm dead; but I'm not because I feel my heart pulsing in my chest, my stomach tingling, sloshing around and making me feel sick. Excitement. Zing. I picture your face in my head, knowing you will be here soon; every new body that swaggers through the door has a chance of being yours, though it isn't until bam–
Freeze up–there you are. Clambering through behind a few others, I see first your face, and then your body. You are enveloped in that big red hoody. Squeezed by blue jeans. Gathering up the long, thick, copper mass of hair and pushing it to one side so it hangs down your shoulder. I smile, feeling my lips reveal my teeth, knowing you haven't seen me yet; the smile gleams, I can see it across the room. Bing, it pulses; pulses like my heart.
When you see me (finally) it is sudden; your downward glance transmits the pulse from me to you as you notice me there, and–bam! You jump, startled, wide eyes, body jerking in shock. Good or bad? I explain to you why I am here. You still look ruffled, though; you are not used to my face in this place; I am not supposed to be here where you have never seen me before; I am supposed to stay where you expect me. Do I haunt you, I wonder? Were you thinking of me before you saw me? Is that why you jumped?
Later, Teacher puts me away from you–across the room in the corner where no one else is sitting so yes, I can take my test there. He gives it to me. Heart thrashing, I am saying, Nonono...I can't do this right now. I have to concentrate. I bend over; the paper whispers the questions: What was the Magna Carta? The 3/5 Compromise? Freeze up. I know this.
But I can't think and to tell you the truth I don't care anymore. All I can hear is your laugh across the room. You are laughing so much. The sound makes the electric burning in my stomach intensify; it sounds like silver rain the way it bursts out, a high, light, feminine note, resounding and pretty. The clouds have cracked open and they are pouring out your laugh. It is hearty and appreciative even in its delicate chord. You do not laugh this much with me. Do I make you heavy-hearted? Are you freer, more yourself with the people here? Or are you acting, your favorite game?
It strikes me while I'm sitting here–oh how alike we always say we are, but we are different. You are talking to everyone and even if maybe you don't like this place you are being wholly yourself. I hear you saying people's names, dragging them out and commenting and laughing, and asking Teacher askable questions. You–a part of it. A part of them all; and it strikes me how cute and appealing you are. Freeze up; maybe you could have anyone you wanted with your wit and simple little-girl charm. You are so cute and so adorable.
I watch you over the heads of the others, talking as if I am not there, because me and you are none of their business...but once, just once, when I look up, I meet your eyes that are already looking at me, and I smile. You smile too. We sit and smile across the room until I shake my head and bend back over my paper and listen to my heartbeat; feel the tingle spread out across my body. Excitement. Bing.
It's not like I don't know what it is; I'm just trying not to be so self-indulgent. But the more I know you the more I realize that you aren't the needy one, I am–and you're not the impatient one, I am–and you're not the confused one, I am. Freeze up. Don't give up on me yet, sweet soul...you should hear the way my heart beats at the very thought of you.