Once upon a time I fell for a guy. Hard. The walls crashed in on me, trapping me in the ruins of its cement walls just leaving me there to suffocate. His smile would send me down a dark cave which I could only pray would have light at the end. He looked right through me as we passed in the halls, never once glancing my way. Who would want to look at the "freak"? Sometimes he would acknowledge me, leaving me elated for days, until orchestra came around and I was crushed. My heart held pathetic hopes that one day he would see past whatever face I had on that day and hear my heart, the true me. Then no matter how deranged I truly was, he would love me anyways. Cliche as it was, that's what I wanted. But perfection seemed to be an unconscious fixation for him.
She was a perfect masterpiece of blonde hair and gray eyes. Her smile could brighten any room. The sound of her violin could make any boy fall to their knees. Every laugh seemed to sprout from her mouth and spread contagiously through the room. It was impossible for her to appear anything, but ridiculously flawless. She was perfect. I remember the way he would watch her, timidly at first, then more openly. She was unaffected by his attentions. Guys would line up around the block just to catch a glimpse of her, and there she was the Sun Goddess herself sitting right next to him.
I couldn't blame him. Flirting was her second nature, but he took it to heart not quite understanding the way she operated. He never had to pick up the slack for her when she flaked. He hadn't stayed up until four-o'clock in the morning finishing a group project all by himself. He hadn't heard countless excuses sprouting from her lips almost as infectious as her laugh. He didn't understand her. He never knew that perfection in itself was the flaw.
I became desperate. I needed to forget all about this "thing", but the more I watched him, the more I understood how naive he actually was. Behind that beautifully cynical exterior was an ignorant boy who never saw the complexities that were real people. She was friendly with everyone, speaking in sweet acidic tongues. Gray eyes would lure them into her cult only to be banished when someone new caught her interest. It was hard to see such innocence go to waste. My heart withered in pain as he stumbled headfirst into catastrophe.
I decided to give myself a week. One week to erase all memory of him. Exams were coming up and I needed a clear head. I didn't need him fogging up my vision in Calculus. An after school rehearsal for orchestra sat precariously on that Thursday, the day my time was up. Then I saw him animatedly speaking in Korean to one of his friends, laughing at a joke I didn't understand. Coffee hair disarray, jeans faded, t-shirt torn, wonderful and flawed. His smile shined as he finally took his seat. I was content watching him from my spot on the front row.
Then she strode in, her blonde hair straightened without a frizz, a dress that was a sick ploy for attention, and armed with an inane excuse to catch her followers praise. I wanted to send my glasses flying across the room. I'd rather have been blind for all eternity than seeing the smile that spread across his face. I had never seen that smirk, that twinkle of pure amusement didn't exist when I was around. I couldn't do anything better than confuse him. Any hope of him seeing past my uncomfortable sarcasm vanished. I couldn't do that. The magic of his smile didn't belong to me. She had won Capture the Flag, and I had lost horrendously to some girl who would forget him in about a week. He reached out to touch her, brush back her hair, letting her hang on him, obeying like the stooge he was.
I was outside; the tears formed rapidly tempting to fall. Clumsily I walked away taking what little dignity I had left. I didn't dare run, too afraid my knees would collapse beneath me. The sight of them made my stomach churn in disgust, but still I couldn't escape from the fact. I wasn't enough.