I do not know where this came from! Don't ask me!
The Sexy News Show
(Fade in. Cool music)
Narrator: The following news presentation is the best news presentation to date. In fact, it's so amazing that…I forgot my lines.
Narrator: No, really. I forgot my lines. I, like, really forgot them, man!
Producer: Aw, you're messing up the whole show!
Narrator: it's not my problem! I just work here.
(Shows two people at a table dressed in suits. One is Norman Jason and the other is Pamela August)
Norman: Hello, and welcome to the first edition of The Sexy News Show. I am Norman Jason.
Pamela: And I am Pamela August.
Norman: And today we will be reporting to you top news stories from around the world.
Pamela: Today, President Bush takes blame of his actions his Iraq, and to back up his word, he sends 21,000 more U.S. troops into Iraq. Kind of a weird man, don't you think?
Norman: Anyway, that news is not important. Now on to some more important news.
(He faces camera)
Norman: Texas authorities claim that Texas is the largest state in America. They say that California can just suck on Texas's balls. California shot back by saying Texas doesn't have any balls. In retaliation, Texas banned all beef imports to California. It doesn't really do anything, since California gets most of its beef from China. Reporter Josh Schmidt reports live from Texas.
(Cuts to a guy standing under an umbrella with a microphone) (People are protesting behind him)
Josh: Thanks, Norman. It appears that Texans are angry because California is being such a big dick, as said by some citizens. Texas authorities are trying to reopen its beef imports to California after California banned all Hollywood movies going into Texas. Here with me now is John Northridge from South Texas.
John: (spitting and fuming) California and their Mexicans can just suck on our balls!
Josh: Um, sir, why are you so angry?
John: (angry) We ban our beef imports and they ban their movies! That is so unfair! I want my Willie Nelson!
Josh: Uh…you do know that Willie Nelson is a singer, right?
John: He is? WELL, WHATEVER! I STILL HATE CALIFORNIANS!
Josh: Um, back to you, Norman.
Norman: Thank you, Josh. We now go meet our weatherman, Dan Christie.
Dan: thank you, Norman. Tomorrow, it will be sunny. But, there will be clouds in the way. Bloody coincidence, aye? The day after that, there will be pizza. And the day after that, there will be sunshine. After some snow and rain and UFOs. That's it.
(Dan eats pizza)
Norman: That's it? Nice.
Norman: (whispers) You have the next story.
Pamela: Huh? Oh! So sorry about that! I was just minding my own business! Anyway, a school closed down today after Dick Cheney came by and shot thirteen children with birdshot. Cheney claims that the children "looked like quails" and that he had no idea he was in a school and not a forest. The school's principal, Jack Michaels, sued the vice president because "he felt like it". As always, Bush backed up Cheney, saying that Cheney "is America's best public defender".
Norman: Weird events going on today!
Pamela: Indeed, very weird indeed. Now, on to Hugh Dunham with the sports.
Hugh: Thanks, Pam. Today, a college football game between UCLA and UCDA ended with disaster after Bode Miller crashed into one of the players. Bode Miller said he skied down Mt. Everest and couldn't stop, and therefore streaked across the Pacific Ocean and crashed into a UCLA player. Mr. Miller then sued the university because he "felt like it" and walked away. That's all for sports.
Norman: Man, time flies when you're doing the news. Well, that's all we have time for today. We hope you enjoyed this small telecast and we hope to see you next time…on The Sexy News Show!
(Camera starts to fade out as music plays)
Norman: I'm on fire, baby!
Fade to Black…