When do you know things have gone wrong?
It is when you are sworn heterosexual laying in the arms of another woman. And no, not in just a very friendly matter that has nothing to do with attraction but has everything to do with pure friendship and trust. Oh no, this was more. This was the raw need to strip her clothing off her delicate form and lather her with my affection. To send her mind swirling with her release and in the end to have her dazed and happily satisfied while snuggled into my embrace.
What could be even worse? Waking up to strong, muscular arms wrapped around my chest and waist, pulling me into his form like a lifeless teddy bear. In truth this would not have been seen as a negative action any other night. I enjoy the warmth and feeling of safety while laying in the darkness of a bed that is not my own. But tonight is different.
Tonight my mind has revealed a hidden need. A secret desire, hidden away in the depths of me, was aching to be sedated. It was not man's embrace that I wanted to be smothered in but a smaller, slimmer, delicate, curvier form that only a women or very girlish man could pull off.
One moment I was in pure rage at the strength the dream had over me. Then my mind had switched to mere madness with the need hanging on the edge of my subconscious. I realized I could not stay in his arms tonight. I could not put up a fight and wish all my needs away; I could not succeed in winning tonight.
I begin to pull away from him and then impatient questions stopped me in mid action. Why was I doing this?! Why, was I thinking of other women while I was in the man of my dreams bed? Why was I even thinking of other women in that way? I am not gay or even the politically correct word for those who can not make up their minds; 'bisexual.' I am straighter then a laser beam! I reassure myself with a huff of stubbornness and a quick nod of the head.
Even with my humoring skills, I could not tolerate the feel of his manhood pressed against my back. I could not take the smell of men's cologne, which was now mixed in with the now staled smell of sex that clings to my skin like a sticky note, reminding me of what I will regret later. Most importantly, I could not deal with my hidden desire or the feeling of confusion.
This time I push past the barrier of his arms and swiftly manage to get my feet firmly on the ground before he catches on. As I take a step forward I realize it is too late. His long, pale, fingers have already reached out from under the covers and wrapped around my arm loosely.
"Is everything okay?" He asks in a deep, husky, voice; one that is trying to recover from the total sleep has taken on it.
"I have to go, Marcus," I whisper the truth because a lie would not have been good enough for him.
I can hear him sitting up and can almost make out his figure as he reaches for the metal knob. I harshly blink as the light, for the lamp, pools over his body, the messy sheets and then final my bare body. While staring into his dark, brown eyes I wait for his glaze to travel up my body and greet my greenish ones. I watch helplessly as his small smile dissolves at the realization of the serious aroma that cloaks my body.
"Why?" He asked with a sigh as if he knew this would happen.
I try to speak twice but end up swallowing my words and trying for a new approach.
"It was just too soon. I'm sorry. I really am… I…I have to go…" I say pulling my arm out of his grapes and picking up the long dress coat that is laid over the chair.
I shiver uncontrollably as the silkily liner sides across my bare skin. Rapidly, I capture the rest of my clothing before he has time to object or even make since of the situation.
Faintly, I hear him calling out for me as I release the cool, metal of the door knob and rush with accelerated steps to my car as I shield myself from the harsh, winter wind. Forcefully, I fight to keep tears that are beginning to gloss over my eyes from promising to stream down my cheeks.