( someone swears )
I'm pushing 90 on the interstate at 3 AM, and courting death never felt so good.
I don't want your forgiveness.
Yeah. I don't need it, you know. I can handle myself. I don't care. I've already fucked this up, may as well finish it with some flair. You know, go out with a bang.
Because I think, right now, at this instant, I'd rather die in a flaming ball of car off a bridge somewhere in Louisiana, than face the next three days.
I don't wanna be forgiven, because I shouldn't be forgiven. I want you to hate me. Because you know, I deserve it.
Fuck. I screwed up this time. And not just the little, "oops, I messed up" screwed up.
I really had to go all the way, didn't I?
Yeah. I couldn't have done this worse if I'd tried.
There's a preacher in a church where I grew up, who used to tell us that we had to be forgiven to see entrance to heaven. You know the thing I never got? Did we have to be forgiven from the rest of the world too? I mean, what if you get into heaven and run into, I dunno, this guy you cheated on years before and he's just glaring at you, and you can't be all happy, "I'm in heaven!" with this guy all mad at you, right? So what if God's the only one who thinks you deserve heaven?
Do you still go? I mean, what if you think you should burn in hell? Do you choose?
Can you forgive yourself? Or is that just something happy glad-hands tell you so you don't jump off the Empire State Building?
I don't wanna cry over this, you know. I wanna go and be all, "ICE QUEEN" so you'll hate me, 'cause if you hate me, it'll make this all easier. I'll be able to hate myself in peace, and fuck it, you deserve someone to direct your anger at.
It's my fault. There, said it. Now hate me.
Throw something at me. Yell at me. Call me all the bad words you know. Cry. Let it all out. You know, that big "FUCK YOU" to the world, so they know that you're ali- No.
Shouldn't think like that.
…Really, the easy thing here would be that flaming ball of car deal, 'cause then I wouldn't have to face you, and I'd figure out my answer to the forgiveness deal.
95 mph. Car's still in control. I wonder how much longer I can pull this off. I'm crying.
God dammit. I'm crying.
I don't wanna be hated, you know. No one really does, not even those stupid goth-wannabes we used to make fun of back in the day. No matter how much easier it'll be if I open the door to flying knives, I'd rather open the door to forgiveness. No matter how much I want the best for you…
I still want the best for me. And I don't think you should forgive me, but you know, it'd be a really great thing if you did. Even though, whether you hate me forever or not, we'll never be the same friends we used to be.
That's all my fault. Blame me. I made a huge, stupid mistake and left them to pick up the pieces. Eventually, I'll have to go home.
But for now, the interstate's all I've got. I don't wanna face this until I have to, you know. Don't… Don't wanna have to look you in the face. 'Cause I know what's gonna happen then. I'm gonna cry and beg forgiveness, no matter how Ice Queen-y I want to be. I'm going to break down into a little pool of me, and sit there in tears because I want to go back in time and slap myself.
Just so you know, I'm not naïve. I know how it's gonna be. And I think…
I think I'd rather just deal with the memories I've got than go off and make new ones. I'd rather not face you, and wonder for the rest of my life if you'd have forgiven me.
Because you won't. You're just as vindictive and angry as I am.
You're gonna hate me forever. And when I get to the pearly gates, I'm gonna look around, and you'll be there, glaring at me. Because it's my fault.
It's my fault you're there. It's my fault you hate me.
…Can you get into heaven if God's the only person who forgives you?
What if you're the one who hasn't forgiven?
Tell me. Please. Tell me, I don't know, tell me you don't hate me. Tell me I'm stupid to be going 95 on the interstate in the dead of night. Tell me I'm forgiven. Tell me it's okay to cry. Tell me it's not my fault, make it go away.
I don't wanna die to look up and see you hate me for eternity.
It was an accident. A stupid accident.
It's easier if you hate me, you know. Easier for them, easier to forget. If you'd forgiven me, then you know, I'd be all guilt-ridden, more than I am now, 'cause they'd be all "her unfailing goodness" and "big heart" and that's a load of shit, but I wouldn't be able to say that if you'd forgiven me.
You… were just like the rest of us, just as cruel at times, just as caring.
Being dead shouldn't change that.