i dreamt of him.

i remember the way he took my hand, turned my arm over, and touched the scars.
but i read all the words he couldn't say in his eyes. and they whispered, "i'll love you
for this and i don't want you to hide." but i pulled away, afraid to love but remembering
his touch against my skin and for a second, i went numb. (is that possible in a dream?)

and i remember the way we playfully fought. he wore a gray hoodie with the hood over
his head. i nudged him in the stomach, he smiled, and i whispered his name in adoration.
it made me smile every time our eyes met and the way he broke into a grin, promising me
the world (if it were ever possible). he kissed me with sugar sweet lips (so much, i can't
take the taste off my lips and i remember them so vividly it almost felt like reality).

(would you promise me that i'll be your everything?
because i see the way your eyes wander in my direction,
searching for answers, thinking words you could never speak.)

"sometimes when i look at you," i spoke with trembling lips, "i'm afraid
that you could never love me because i'm slashed with scars for reasons
that no one seems to understand." but he looked at me with concern
in his eyes and said, "when i look at you, i see the person behind
the scars: the one who hides herself for no one to see because for so
long you were offered love but never took it." i couldn't avoid the look
he wore as i said, "it was only because i'm so unworthy of anything
everyone gives me because i don't understand how and why no one
seems to understand." he wrapped his hands around mine and said,
"i want to understand you and everything about you because i know you
always yearn for the one thing you never thought you were worthy of."

(i swear he couldn't have told me anything better.)

and i woke up in a daze, wondering if what i had dreamt was really just a dream.
i touched my lips, afraid that the sensation of his lips would disappear. i sighed
deeply as i laid on my pillow, unaware of the tears falling, and whispered to myself,
"i could never have that because i'm just too afraid to face myself and others."

i was looking forward to seeing him the next day but much to my dismay,
he never appeared and i could feel myself b r e a k ing inside (again).

(i've told myself that i would never bleed over him because
we aren't involved with each other enough. and bleeding for
a guy is more cliché than bleeding over someone like you.)