I needed an escape.
A escape from this mind numbing pain. From the horrible fucking world.
I looked at the syringe in anticipation. Waiting for the heroin to enter my veins and go through my body, taking all the dreadful feelings away.
All the hurt and anger.
All the pain and disappointment.
"give It to me" I said firmly to my dealer; Coner. And he placed the long plastic syringe in my hand.
One of these days I'm going to realise that what I'm doing is wrong
One of these days I'm going to realise how many people I'm hurting.
One of these days I'm going to stop.
But today was not that day.
You always hurt the ones you love right?
I was just taking the pain away.
I quickly injected the sharp pointed needle into my skin, piercing me as it went deeper into my flesh..
"this is your fourth time today ben you sure you don't want to stop?" I barely heard coner's voice say
"yeah….im….fine" I murmured feeling the euphoria of the astonishing drug starting to affect me.
"ben you ok?"
I could feel myself flush, my body feeling warm and then get hotter as the minutes ticked by .
I tried swallowing but my mouth was dry
I could feel my eyes getting heavy, too heavy to keep open.
"HOLY CRAP HE'S OD-ING!! ".
I felt like I was flying.
Flying so high like no one could touch me, hurt me, damage me.
I was invincible..
I could feel myself smile. A thing that I haven't done in a while.
Happiness. That's what I was feeling. Once again I was feeling that odd sensation because of that magnificent drug; heroin.
My hero; my savvier ; my everything.
It was the only thing that would never harm me, never let me down, never made feel worthless. But made me feel happy and content.
I never felt complete. But with heroin. It was like it was ok to be broken.
I just had to laugh a little when I realised I was falling in love with this injurious drug.
But I didn't care because taking it was the only thing that I got up in the morning for,. The only thing I breathe in and our for. The only thing I lived for.
I never thought I would actually get addicted so fast.
Im not the type of guy to take drugs, or anything life damaging.
But one dose of that drug. It turned my world upside down. Like nothing else had.
It made me.. feel.
Made me feel something other then aching hurt that shot threw with every breath I took.
Because that's all I did. Breathed. I didn't live. I didn't have fun. I breathed.
In and out.
Exhaling and inhaling.
And all for what?.
To get screwed over bye life god and people.
Heroin was the one thing that god did right.
The he made right
For people like me, who's always expected to be happy. Always expected to be perfect.
But get one thing wrong, seem anything but joyful .It must mean I'm sick, that I'm psychotic.
Like just because I have my own opinion on something and it isn't one that everyone expects , there must something is wrong with me.
I scoffed slightly.
Its not like their actually like going to miss me. Like there going to morn my death.
When really all there're going to do is be dissatisfied in me.. yet again.
They never actually cared about me.
But the person I pretended to be.
I could feel my heart beat decreasing.
So this is what it feels like to die?
No bright light.. although I never expected to get into heaven.
He's a fucking idiot.
When I got to the hospital and found out the he had o.d'ed
I felt sick. Like a repulsive wave crash over me.
I could see his mum and dad crying.
His friends and family all clinging to each other, sobbing and weeping.
Like tears would help bring him back.
And even if they could; he wouldn't want to come back.
But they were all in denial, he wouldn't actually kill himself would he? Pft
I got a glimpse of his best friends face and it looked so.. I don't think there is even a word for the way it looked. But it was heart breaking.
And I felt even more disgusted.
Why the fuck where all these people wasting their time on this screw up?
On this pathetic.. thing.. who people actually called a person. When really all he was; was a pitiable, vile , scrawny ,diminutive coward who couldn't see how many people cared for him.
I can't believe I envied him.
I can't believe I actually felt anything other then pity for this man… no. Boy.
I cant believe I thought he was .. perfect.
Even though he wasn't.
But the fact that he was imperfect made him even more perfect.
.. although he wasn't all that self-centred.
He cared about other people, even ones he didn't know.
And even with that knowledge he never really thought he was that special.
I always wondered why.
Why he couldn't see this great person that everyone else did.
Why when he was happy he made other people happy.
Stupid fucking idiot.
What a waste.
What a waste of a person. Of a heart. Of a brain. Of a life.
People have no homes, no food , no limbs. And yet they still struggle to live and this bastard go's an od's
He didn't deserve to live anyway.
Didn't deserve to be cared for.
Didn't deserve to be loved.
Didn't deserve anything.
I remember a conversation we had. He said that his whole world was falling a part and he couldn't stop it. But while he was going through this difficult time he still managed to see the clear picture. its just life. Other people are suffering worse so he should be grateful that he's alive. And I couldn't help but feel astonished at the boy in front of me. No longer was he a boy but a man. He had courage that not a lot of teenagers our age have; the maturity that even adults lack. He hid a lot of things. Hid behind his humour and façade and you could tell he was a troubled child. But never one to kill himself.
… apparently not.
I turned around and walked away from that pity part. i didn't want to cry for him.
Oddly I don't feel disappointed. This was his choice. He was always a smart guy.
I don't feel resentment. Sure at first I did. But now what's the point? There was no one to feel the bitterness towards.
But I am going to miss him. Cause even though we weren't the best of friends. He was still in my life.
And he was a good guy. A good friend. A good person. And he deserved to be missed.