In Vain

Invisible restraints

Pressing against me all around

Compressing my mind

-------------------------

I tear at it, though I cannot see it

I try to get away, but it clings to my mind

Like vices or black spider webs

I am trapped

-------------------------

My fingers bleed as I try to break away

Clawing at it, a wild animal in a black box

With no windows to the outside

Going mad with rage

With wanting freedom

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But I put myself in this box

I wanted to be locked away, confined

Stripped of processions, of what is mine

My identity

My name

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I am nobody

I have no past and no future

No family, no friends

I will waste away alone in my self made black box

Unappreciated

I will waste away forgotten

Alone

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Perhaps I will go mad first

Mad with no knowing who I am

Of being forgotten by the blind creatures

Of a blind world

Where my tears go unseen

And my blood never hits the ground

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When I finally get out of my box

When I break it apart in my wild rage

There is no one waiting for me

For the world went on without me

As though I never existed or mattered

Or meant anything to anyone

At all

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I stand alone, the broken box at my feet

Wondering

Did it even matter?

Did anyone even notice I was gone?

Was my point made, or did it shatter to the ground

Unheard?

Was all of it, my self imposed pain, anger, suffering, despair

Was it all in vain?

-------------------------

I lost a part of myself, my life

3 days in my own black box

With no one but myself and my pain for company

It is gone now

I will never get it back

And still I wonder, still I ask myself on lonely nights

-------------------------

Was it worth it?

1/27/07