I've read many things over the years. Happy things, powerful things, dramatic things, and sad things. This is the latter.

This is the most soul-wrenching thing I've ever read in my life. It's not the entire story for a number of reasons, but below is a passage from an autobiography by a man named Nevyn. After I read this I sat down in the dark and simply looked into the blackness, imagining what it must be like to endure such a thing and unable to bring myself anywhere close.

This is a small part of the whole story about a man who loved his dog, Xanth, and that relationship's end.

After this is a work of my own, brought to being by the overwhelming emotion I felt after reading this.



Life, I think I have pointed this out before, is a twisty-turny thing. Just as I was recovering from the untimely departure of my German Shepherd, my St Bernard started to become ill, and went off her food.

I guess I suspected she wasn't well, but the event that made me take her to the vet for a check up was when she had a convulsion. I suspect she had other convulsions when I wasn't around, but this was the first I had witnessed. And it scared the bejes us out of me. Xanth lay on her side with her legs locked stiff, her face was contorted into a rictus, and she was champing her teeth so I was fearing for her tongue. As she spasmed, she urinated uncontrollably. I phoned my vet in a panic, and he told me to watch her and keep her company. So I sat with her until the spasm passed, and for about an hour afterwards. She was very distressed when she regained control of her body.

When I took her to the vet, he took several blood tests and discovered she was dangerously low in calcium. So we put her on a high dosage calcium supplement and for awhile she improved. Meanwhile the vet had discovered that Xanth had a congenital kidney disease that was causing her high blood toxicity. All too soon, Xanth lost her appetite and started to waste away again. My wife and I tried to bring her appetite back up by trying every brand of dog-food on the market. We cooked her special treats and meals. But she still slowly wasted away. If you could have seen the comparison between the healthy glowing animal she was, and the frail, thin creature I took back to the vet, you would have cried.

I remember standing in the vets office as he explained what he could try next to increase her appetite and get her eating again. Then it kinda hit me. I asked him if we were curing her, or just prolonging the inevitable. He said that basically there w as no hope for her. So I calmly told him that I would like to have her euthanased.

I sent my wife to wait for me in the waiting room, and I held onto Xanth while the vet injected the lethal drug. The drug was bright blue, and I remember thinking that nothing that color could be good for you. Then Xanth got very heavy in my arms, and I realized she was dead. Just like that.

And I lowered her gently to the floor, still caressing her head. And I cried.


I'm so sorry.
Believe me when I say this, because no other
No other
No other
Could ever describe what I mean when I say,
to you,
that I'm so sorry.

It's so hard when we are faced with what we fear the most.

Like an ending you don't want to see
In a book you don't want to read
From a library you wish you never found
So is the inevitable.

I'm so sorry.

I can't imagine what it must be like.
You can, and that's why I say this,
Even though it will never
be enough
It will never
bring her back
It will never
replace the loss
but I'm so sorry.

There is no pain like the crushing of something so strong.

Like the loss of your very being
In a dark room where it can't be found
From a hunting beast that cannot be led astray
So is the inevitable.

I'm so sorry.

It's something I hope I never have to face
Though I will
And I fear it because
it will happen
I can't take it
I've seen what it does
and I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

And here,
I wish I could say more,
But words are not ENOUGH and they will never be ENOUGH and every fiber of my being SCREAMS and I want to tell you so MUCH but I CAN'T and so I say…

I'm so sorry.

…sometimes we're helpless…
…sometimes we're alone…
…sometimes we're hopeless…
…sometimes we're defeated…
sometimes we just want to lay down,
lay down,
lay down,
lay down,
lay down and never,
ever get back up because
if we lay down forever
they'll lay next to us to and we can
and try to sleep away the pain.

But we'll wake up
and they won't
But we'll fall back to sleep
and they'll be gone when
we finally work up the strength
to wake up again.


Sometimes we're helpless when we're left alone
I know.
You know.
We all know.

And I'm so sorry.

Feel like crying,
feel like giving up,
feel like giving a last salute
to the general
that led you to your demise
and letting the tears carry you
to somewhere far away
where you don't have to think about it

And I'm so sorry.

And I can't help you,

And I'm so sorry.