A Collection of Stunningly Politically Correct Fairy Tales

The author is not responsible for any cases of brain-to-mush that may be symptomatic of the reading of this story, and no green flamingoes were harmed during the production of this tale. (Cough, cough)

Sleeping Beauty/Handsome

There once was a Queen of Wynvyl named Rosaburytte Tanatala, whose only wish in life was to have a daughter, but not particularly a daughter because that would not have been Politically Correct and would have been rather sexist or - shall we dare say this? - chauvinistic. Still, imagine her and King Richardio Aravio's surprise when, suddenly out of nowhere, she became pregnant.

Of course, she (or he, as every boy can become a Sleeping Handsome) was born with a stunningly gorgeous mop of blond hair, the best color one could hope for at the time, although blond hair is, of course, not at all the best hair color, and there are much plainer hair colors that may somehow be far more dazzling than blond hair. She (or he, of course) had clear, blue eyes, although of course there are far better colors than the most gorgeous shade of cerulean, ocean-colored eyes out there (although the certainly not politically correct author fakely untruly presumes that she has not seen such shades, and maintains that no, she or, he, if you would prefer the author to be a he does not have blue eyes).

One fairy, whose gender will, of course, be unspecified, as five-year-old boys aspiring to become Spiderman will certainly have the initiative to become fairies, as will five-year-old girls aspiring to become princesses and marry Prince Charming will certainly have the initiative to become Spiderman, although Spiderman shall have to be renamed Spiderwoman in that case, blessed Sleeping Beauty/Handsome, now renamed Sam, as that is a unisexual name in these changing times and is short for either Sammie or Samantha, with beauty, or handsome-ness. We shall, of course, ignore the blatant importance this anonymous and ambiguous fairy put to aesthetic importance for the fear of further distorting the fairy tale, which has the potential to be truly entertaining.

The second fairy, who will not be specified as a "he" or a "she" (although fairies are much better off being she's), blessed Prince(ss) Sam with wit, and we shall, once more, obviously ignore this second fairy's lack of faith in the fact that Sleeping Beauty/Handsome might some day once have become a child prodigy, completely void of the help this fairy saw needed to jumpstart this child's career as Prince(ss), although of course fairies will certainly bless commoners, seeing as how commoners are not spoiled brats that do not know how to get their fair share of work done.

The third fairy blessed the Prince(ss) with grace, and we shall once more ignore the blatant show of aesthetic importance, because, after all, even the most famous and successful noble was so utterly clumsy that they accidentally stabbed themselves with the claws of green flamingoes. Therefore, it has been successfully proven in a well-presented thesis and argument (if the author does say so herself) that grace is completely unimportant in the daily lives of nobles and commoners as well, seeing as how nobles cannot possibly have more trying and important jobs than a commoner might be blessed with on any given day.

The fourth fairy blessed our main character(ess), Sam, with a profound musical genius and taste, and we shall ignore the fact that music-making was considered a highly feminine act and reapply it as a field that required only skill and great talent. We shall also ignore the glaringly obvious fact that Sam, in retrospect, cheated often, and is seeming to become a Mary Sue (or, of course, a Gary Stu, as Mary Sue's apply only to females, which is an offensive and un-Politically Correct practice, having a feminine and masculine form of a name).

Then, of course, a wicked fairy then chooses the (morbidly boring) happy occasion to crash in on what apparently looked to her like a wickedly fun party, as the wicked fairy must have had reasons for acting as (s)he did (beside pettily jealous) and shall now be lowered to the status of fun-loving party animal, although (s)he is not lowered because being fun-loving and utterly immoral and risqué is much more pious than being downright evil.

Feeling in a particularly vindictive mood, perhaps from the onset of a headache from drinking, God forbid (although, of course, the existence of God is not proven and therefore should not be used), this fairy (whose gender is still, of course, unspecified) felt the need to let someone else know of his or her vindictiveness. Being best friends with Queen Rosaburyette, the fairy seeked her consolation (although the Queen does not have to be a "her", as any male devoted enough has the right to be Queen), and the Queen, so caught up in the happiness of the festivities, was less than understanding.

(S)he (the party animal, that is) then ambled over to Sam, who was looking rather adorably up at her (or him, of course! No need to be picky!). The fairy then decided, being a firm believer in the "eye for an eye" motto, to kill the poor baby then and there. As she is about to do this act while the Queen is quite busy getting quite drunk on her mead, a sudden flash of sad eyes went through her head, firmly proving that the party animal fairy was quite the humanitarian, and she decided, of course, to give Sam sixteen more summers of happiness (because that sounds much more poetic than sixteen more years).

Another fairy, particularly admiring of the party animal fairy's ways, exclaimed, "Oh, how cruel!"

"Really? How so?"

"Oh, you shan't give the parents any hope for their daughter or son, as the gender of the child must be unspecified, to come back; I say you or I put a curse upon her! Or is it a him? I'm not quite sure, seeing as how this is a Politically Correct World, and everyone does have the right to become a Sammie, not just a Samantha."

And the party-loving, adventure-adoring fairy said: "A curse?"

"Yes, yes! It's ever so exciting, isn't it, being a villain?"

Immediately, the adventure-adoring fairy, as described before, was riveted, and ignored the fact that there are much more exciting things to be than villains, although of course the profession of villain is surely a most exciting job, for risking offending any villains out there, for if there are any offended villains, this story would most certainly not be Stunningly Politically Correct.

The partner fairy continued excitedly, feeling that (s)he was on a winning streak that day; "Yes! It's most exciting, I should say! In fact, I shall do it now; I shall put a curse on the baby, who will be either a he or a she, depending upon the reader's wishes, dictating that it, seeing as how it shan't be determined what gender the baby truly is, for risk of not being Politically Correct, shall fall asleep for a century, or the turn of twelve hundred moons (that sounds much more poetic!). Oh, I'm feeling particularly sexist, un-feminist, and un-Politically Correct today! Perhaps he or she shall have to be awakened by a Prince's son!"

Although the plan was perfectly un-Politically Correct, a grievous sin within this World of Political Correctness, the two fairies formulated the plan. They were, of course, immediately executed after the execution of the plan, as it was un-Politically Correct and demeaning to all the feminists out there, although it could also have been Politically Correct, depending upon the views of the readers. For instance, had the readers believed that women were no good at all, it would have been perfectly Politically Correct and, in this story, the fairies would not have been executed at all but rather raised to the status of chief advisors for their utterly brilliant plan.

So, of course, the two fairies made a rather large, gaudy show of cackling and all haglike business, until the Queen, even in her (or his) drunken state, realized that something was most certainly amiss. The fairies felt the need to act like classic villains, after all, and felt that they would shame the guild of villains worldwide, feeling the need to be, of course, Politically Correct.

And so the Queen asked: "What are you doing, Fairy One?" Let it be established that, since this story is completely and utterly Politically Correct, lest it offend somebody else that the story is Politically Correct, the fairies are called Fairy One (the party animal) and Fairy Two, so as not to promote one gender of fairy over the other.

Fairy One grinned, saying, "Many fun, fun things, Queen! Do you wish, perchance, to join?"

"Oh, yes, yes, of course, of course!" tittered the Queen, looking quite flushed. "My, it is hot in here! Mm, Richardio, dear, I'm afraid you'll have to watch the baby… for a long time… I feel very… flushed. Must be the mead—"

She (or he) tottered off, having completely forgotten about her (or his) baby. The author does not seek to make the Queen sound irresponsible and flighty, of course, although that might've been exactly what the Queen was, but the author must be Politically Correct, and it is not Politically Correct to presume things, while several other opinionated readers may feel differently.

Looking quite disappointed at the fact the drunken Queen had forgotten completely about them, Fairy One and Two decided to ignore the Queen's obvious slight and focused on the child, who had by now fixed them with the most bored look the fairies had ever gotten, although that is not to say the fairies are boring, if that offends the reader.

"Goo, goo! Gaa, gaa!" cried the baby plaintively.

"Oh, what do you believe it's asking for, Fairy One?" asked Fairy Two curiously, having not much experience with babies before. "Although I'm not even sure if it's truly asking for something, if that offends the reader, although this phrase is beginning to sound repetitive, as is the word 'although'!"

Fairy One replied: "Oh, let's start already; this is boring me. Come, come! Now, listen one, listen all!"

Needless to say, Fairy One had turned grandly upon the audience, demanding their attention.

"I've decided to put a curse upon this baby, with the help of Fairy Two, as I am not a selfish loner, although I am sure being a loner is equally exciting in its own way, for risk of being un-Politically Correct!" cried Fairy One excitedly.

A gasp rippled through the crowd, although of course a crowd is made of many individualists, if following the Western style of thinking, and should not be expressed as a single entity with exactly the same reactions as others, unless, of course, the reader has not been born into the Western style of thought and believes that the group is much more important than the individual, as the Japanese traditionally believe.

But of course the author's social studies class is rubbing off on her (or him, if the gender of the author offends you, the impressionable reader).

"Oh, what kind of curse shall you put on the poor, defenseless baby, Fairy One?" exclaimed a particularly excitable individual whose gender shall remain unspecified.

"We haven't decided upon that yet!" replied Fairy Two, just as excited. "Shall you help us choose?"

Immediately, the crowd began naming off several random suggestions, although of course the crowd is not a single entity.

"How 'bout we turn 'er into a toad?" cried a serving lady (or serving man, whichever you prefer).

"No! I digress! She's much too adorable for that! Suppose we feed her a poisoned apple, as Queen Malevolence did to Snow White Coal Black?"

"Oh, but isn't that copying? And it's rather unoriginal as well, and didn't Queen Malevolence impose several copyright laws on her idea?"

"You're right, Lady or Lord Unnamed! But what else shall we do, save what's been taken? Curse the creativeness of others, unless, of course, that statement offends you, my dear sensitive reader!"

"I suppose we put her under a cursed sleep of some sort! I'm a romantic, so… perhaps a kiss shall wake her?"

Fairy One, looking shocked, called, "Did you overhear me? Wasn't I the one who suggested that to Fairy Two?"

"Oh!"

The sea of people turned as if a wave had influenced them towards the sharp exclamation.

"I am Prince(ss) Taylor, which is a unisexual name in these changing times! I am the baby's stepsister/brother that has appeared from a rather long trip to an unspecified destination and popped into this (morbidly boring) party out of nowhere (with a sharp bang! of air, I might add), due to the spontaneous mind of the author!"

The crowd looked quite intimidated by this impressive speech.

"I demand these… these fairies leave! Where is Mother (or Father)? How could they let such imbecilic rubbish even get so close to the heart of Palace van Sters, which means Palace of Stars for those uneducated in the language which this name is in."

Utterly infuriated, the fairies turned on Prince(ss) Taylor and turned her (or him) into a toad. It was a spell that could only be broken by the kiss of a true princess, which shall be delved into later. The curse was, of course, very un-Politically Correct, and the fairies were immediately turned upon by the fickle crowd. They were then executed viciously after many a great humiliation, and it was only then that the crowd, who appeared to be the true power now that the Queen was drunk and the King attending to her, remembered Prince(ss) Taylor's plight. By then, however, the fairies had been executed, and there was no way to undo the curse. Still, the prince(ss) did happen to extremely spoiled, so the crowd decided that this was no extreme loss. They did happen to feel extremely sorry for the poor princess who would have to undo Prince(ss) Taylor's curse and be stuck with him (or her), as this is a fairy tale and fairy tales always have happy endings.

Finis