I look in the mirror every day before I leave the house. And I gag. I can't even stand the thought of people looking at this fat fat piece of shit staring back at me. I feel sorry that they must suffer. I am angry at myself for allowing other people to suffer. I can not bear the thought of other people's eyes raking my body with their piercing eyes. I put on a baggy sweat shirt to protect the innocent people.
I sit in my haven, surrounded by my friends, the books that let me out of this world and into ones so much worse than mine. I read books about people who weigh fifty pounds and die and people who get raped and people who fall in love with the wrong people, just so I can know there are people out there like me. I like reading about the people who can relate to me and who feel the same as I do, even though I know they are fictional.
I don't know what it says about me that I relate best with the non-existent.
I don't know what it says about me that I can willingly not eat, willingly listen to the symphony of an empty stomach. I don't know what it says about me that I can kneel in front of the toilet and rid myself of my shame. My horrid raging shame. My deadly disgust. My feelings of self loathing that drown me if I even begin to try and fathom how big they are. I don't know what it says about me that I can sit here surrounded by the recordings of lives never lived, of non existent faerie creatures and be comfortable. IdontknowIdontknowIdontknow.
I am so sick of the emotional crap and not being able to control my life, my mind, my body, my soul. I have so much support, but I am unwilling to take it! I want to change but I am reluctant to lose the little bit of control I have. I will not submit to the brainwashing that is required. I will not 'shut up and color!' I will shut up and scream silently weeping and sobbing and screaming all the words and fears I refuse to speak aloud. I will sit here, stubborn and starving, emaciated and emotional.
But I Will Sit Here In Control.
I will sit here knowing I am slowly killing myself...and I will sit here knowing that I Don't Give A Damn.