A Modern Abbott and Costello


A: Rude teenage girl.

B: Old woman of about 70, who recognizes girl from sometime back. She is deaf, unaware of modern trends, and has a corny sense of humour.


Plain backdrop. The only thing that is required is a bench of some description.

(B walks into a park and sees person A. Person A is sitting on a park bench listening to music. Person B approaches person A, sits down beside her, and turns to her.)

B: Oh, hello dear. Long time, no see! How are you?

A: (Glares at B.) Good. (Continues to listen to music.)

B: What was that dear? I'm sorry. I'm a bit hard of hearing lately.

A: Good.

B: No, it isn't good at all really, in fact, it's terribly unfortunate… I've had to pay ever so much money on the best hearing aid…

A: (Murmurs.) You could aid me by being quiet.

B: What was that love? Speak up please!

A: I said… that's bad that you had to buy it.

B: Oh no. It's not bad at all. In fact… it's of the highest quality. .

A: You wouldn't be able to tell…

B: What was that? Oh, never mind. What have you been up to lately?

A: Nothing.

B: Nothing? Nothing really suggests that you've been up to something, because nothing is undoubtedly something, isn't it my dear?

A: Come again?

B: Come again where? I haven't gone anywhere. Or did I not hear you correctly?

A: Yes.

B: Yes?

A: Yes.

B: I did hear you correctly?

A: No.

B: So, yes … I didn't hear you correctly?

A: No. Yes, you didn't hear me correctly.

B: Yes or no?

A: Yes!

B: Yes to no?

A: No!

B: Ok. No to no.

A: No. Yes. No. Oh!! Now I'm confused.

B: Forget it then. Where did you get that lovely shirt from my dear? The girls these days dress ever so stylishly.

A: Guess.

B: Ummm… oh, I don't know… where do young ladies such as you shop? Um, Walmart?

A: No. Guess.

B: Er… well, I'm a bit rusty in my fashions dear…. Umm.. Sears? Er…. Macies?

A: Guess!!

B: The Saly Army? You can get some great finds there you know. In fact… I found my daughters wedding dress there for only-

A: No! Guess!!!

B: I'm tired of guessing. Why don't you just tell me my dear?

A: The store Guess.

B: I'm not an idiot love… you don't have to mix the words around for me to understand that you're telling me to guess the store.. I understand. But I don't like guessing games. Can't you just tell me?

A: You're confused.. (A puts headphones back on.)

B: A store called "You're confused"? You wouldn't think that would make much money would you?

A: No! You don't get it. The name of the store is Guess.

B: Oh, how silly of me. I should have known. So the name of the store is Guess?

A: Yes.

B: It's "yes"? Oh dear. But you just told me that it was called Guess.

(A grumbles in frustration, and begins to ignore the old lady. B looks upset… but then proceeds to further inquire into the life of A.)

B: What is the name of the group that you are listening to dear? I'm trying to learn up on the names of modern groups. Stay nice and hip so I can relate to the grandchildren.

A: The Who.

B: The grandchildren.

A: No… the bands name is "The Who".

B: I didn't hear… the what?

A: NO! "The Who".

B: Why are you asking me? I don't know, that's why I'm asking you… what's the groups name?

A: The Who.

B: The group!!

A: The groups name is The Who.

B: Oh. The groups name is The Who.

A: Yes.

B: I see. Imagine that.

A: Imagine what?

B: Imagine that… what a strange name.

A: The who?

B: No. Not the who! The what! The name! It's strange. My goodness, I think that you need a hearing aid more then I do.

A: You must be jokin.

B: Pardon me?

A: I said… er… what was that that you've spoken?

B: Oh. I just said… that that name of that band was very strange. Everything is so strange these days. You can barely tell left from right.

A: Yup. You're right.

B: Or… am I left? (Chuckles.)

A: What? Left where?

B: I see that you don't understand my sense of humour my dear.

A: (Murmurs.) That's because I'm not literate in "annoying old lady".

B: Pardon.

A: (Laughs to herself.) I said… err… oh what the heck? That's because it's kinda shady.

B: It's not shady here at all, my dear. It's nice and sunny. But I fail to see the relevance of that point.

A: (explodes.) Do you know what?? I'm just trying to listen to my music! You're being-


B: I'm being what?

A: (meanly.) Guess.

B: …The store?