Sam: A loserish fat hobbit gardener.

Frodo: A mental hobbit that keeps on getting perved over by his fat gardener.

Gollum: A weird foul creature that is obsessed with following the above.

(Setting: on a mountain/volcano - I forget it's name)

Sam: We must keep going master Frodo!

Frodo: Sam I can't go on!

Sam: (Smiles with glee) Then I'll carry you! (Hoists Frodo onto his shoulders making very sure to touch his arse)

Lesley: (Her voice is carried through out the land) EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!! HOBBIT SEX!

Sauron: (Focuses eye on the 2 hobbits) Now that's a good sight! It's so... so... um what's the word?

Brynushaarg: (pops up from behind a rock) Um sexy? Funny? Cute? Natural? Disgusting?

Sauron: Thrilling! That's the word!

Lesley: (Sounds like a woman from one of those racist black American movies - what the hell?) Are you crazy? um hm Hobbit sex is so disgusting! um hm

Sauron: What the hells with the um hm?

Lesley: Are you being racist?

Sauron: (Sounds annoyed) I can't see how I can be racist as I have no form no colour and no race.

Brynushaarg: (Sounds scared) Um sir ... Mr flaming eye in the sky ...

Sauron: (Looks at him) What is it mere orc?

Brynushaarg: (Looks offended) First I am no mere orc! I am the loveable humorous Legolas obsessed Brynushaarg!

Sauron: (Rolls eye) I'm sure you are ... So get on with it?

Brynushaarg: As I was saying ... um well you do have colour seeing as you're sort of orange and black.

Sauron: That's not the point! The point is ..

Frodo: Coughs Can we please get on with the story?

Sauron: Oh yes sorry!

Sam: (Starts walking very slowly) We should do this more often you know mister Frodo!

Frodo: What save the world? (looks and sounds confused)

Sam: (Sounds embarrassed) Well yes but also we should do piggy backs and things.

Frodo: (Sounds very, very scared) Um I don't think that will be necessary!

Sam: (Gets firmer grip) I think it will!

Gollum: (Jumps at Sam from rock) No it won't he's mine! All mine! Get your dirty little hands off him!

Sam: You're dirtier than me!

Will we get a fight?

Will Frodo run from Sam?

Will we find out where Lesley's voice is coming from?

Find out next time