Chapter 5: Mary, the Stubborn Bastard

It is December, 1535.

I, of course, am to spend Christmas alone and disgraced here in Hatfield. I, Mary Tudor, am not welcome to King Henry's court because I am his royal stubborn bastard, the bastard Anne Boleyn uses as her daughter's servant.

No, maybe I use the wrong terms. I have not given way. I have not admitted that I am actually the illegitimate child of the King of England. I refused to admit my parents' marriage was illegitimate and Anne Boleyn's the opposite. I refused to denounce the Pope's authority in England and acknowledge my father as the supreme head of the so-called Church of England. This is against everything I was taught. I will burn in hell when I died if I sign this, if I go against my conscience for my father's favour.

Those documents are called the Oath of Succession and the Oath of Supremacy. Under my father's wrath, many have been sent to death since they rejected these documents. I pray for them. They were right, and my father, my own beloved father, is wrong, under the spell of that Anne Boleyn. Luckily, my father has not done anything about me, yet.

Rumour has it that the King is going to behead me if I still refuse to give in. I heard this from my sister Elizabeth's ladies. I had tried to plan my escape for life. I spent months thinking of plans such as to drug the entire household so that I can escape unnoticed.

When Ambassador Chapuys, who works for my cousin Emperor Charles, advised me against the risky escape, I almost collapse with desperation. Nobody is going to lend me a hand, not even Charles, who I think will always help me.

I feel the world is against me once more. Despite my strong will to endure all difficulties and my devoutness to God, everything goes against my will.

I have just heard someone gossiping. My mother is ill.

I am worried, I fear that she will leave this cruel world soon and I will not be able to see her before she goes. She who I love and trust most, who will always do what is best for me.

My hatred for my father and his whore deepens every day since I heard the gossip. I shall never forgive either of them for what they did to my mother. They ruined her life, as they ruined mine.

However, for her sake, I have to stay strong and firm. I shall be courageous as she, because I am a granddaughter of Spain and the proud, true Princess of England. I pray for her to get well soon and for my father, again, to regain his conscience and reason, so that my mother can see the evil woman's downfall and we will all be happy again.

This is my ideal world. Somehow I know it will never happen, if my father behaves like what the people say.

Because if that is the case, then he is almost mad.