Lucretia the Licentious
I speak of a lady of the night, a horrible harlot whose touch could render a man unable to fight back against her dastardly hands. Her touch could turn any given body part to stone and she breathed sodium pentothal which rendered her unwilling suitors immobile while she had her way with them. Unfortunately she chose to insult the wrong woman. Lucretia the Licentious stole away the husband of a young newly married wife Julia who had also lost her father to the same fiend and turned him into a crazed frightened man who locked himself away in his villa thereafter and spends his days in fetal position unable to eat or sleep. He was quite traumatized to say the least.
Anyway, this daughter and wife, horrified by the harlots kidnapping of her most beloved sought a way to defeat the woman who had destroyed all the men in her life and prevent Lucretia from doing the same to other men. Thus Julia set out for a rumored weapon that was said to able to slay even a Gorgon, the Magnus Gladius Jackhammerus….also known as the Sharp Hammer of the Righteous. This Hammer was guarded valiantly by a hind named Cerythus, whose golden glow would destroy all who were impure.
From the town soothsayer she learned her quest was to take her to the east toward the mountains in which the Hammer was said to be kept. Julia gathered her husbands dagger and set off for the mountains. Her journey was long and difficult but unknown to her the god of sexual desire, Eros, was plotting to stop her. For you see, Lucretia was a follower of this god and he gained much power from her heinous acts of "seduction". She was almost considered a priestess to him so to stop Julia he sent down his servant Himerus in a guise. Julia on her road to the Hammer suddenly found herself staring at her husbands face. "My husband, your free! I thought you were caught in that evil mistresses web. I was sure you would die." Himerus, disguised as her husband, shook his head.
"My love, I escaped. She freed me." Julia immediately doubted her husband for she knew that the villainess would never release her victim unharmed.
"She freed you? I can't believe it! What a stroke of luck." She said. "How funny though that you seem unharmed. She is vile and never leaves a man untraumatized." He looked shocked.
"She was actually quite nice."
"You LIE!" And she stabbed him in the chest. Himerus flew away in a cloud of unidentified sex toys that cannot be named. Julia smiled in her triumph. She had known that he was not her husband by his answer--he was far too stupid to use the phrases 'quite nice' or 'my love'. He was a Neanderthal mentally.
So her journey continued. She discovered along the path that her bloodstained dagger would warn her of Eros people approaching and she used that to hide and or kill them. She could no longer tolerate the thought that this woman had her husband and a god was defending her. It was utterly obscene.
Diana watched this pure hearted maiden on her journey. She decided that Julia was worthy of the quest for the Sharp Hammer of the Righteous (which was guarded by her hind, Cerythus). Thus the goddess sent down a wondrous bow that would never miss an immoral, wicked being (Being the goddess of maidenly virtue, Diana despised harlots as much as Julia). The bow landed before Julia just as she entered the forest at the base of the mountain in which the hind was supposed to guard the Hammer. Cautiously Julia approached it, thinking it to be another trap set by Eros but soon heard the voice of the goddess: "Julia, I will aid you in your quest to slay the evil mistress. Take my bow and show it to Cerythus. He will know you are blessed by me and give you the Magnus Gladius Jackhammerus."
Doing as the goddess said, Julia brought the bow deep into the forest and only once had to fire it because Eros had sent yet another personification of passion in the form of a gorgeous man in order to tempt Julia from her quest. But she was determined to avenge her husband and slew the Lust that Eros sent her.
Out from between a few tree Cerythus came--his lower body was that of a large golden stag but where the shoulders, neck, and head should have been there was the torso of a man with great antlers protruding from his brow. Immediately upon seeing Diana's bow he dragged her through the forest to the cave in which the Magnus Gladius Jackhammerus lay on a golden cloth. "Would you wish to stay a night and rest for your journey to find Lucretia the Licentious?" Cerythus asked. Julia started to shake her head no but realized that Eros' followers could not come near the cave of the hind because of his pure glow which weakened all who were ruled by lust.
"I would like very much for you to come on my quest since your job is to protect the Magnus Gladius Jackhammerus. If I have it, and you come with me, you can still protect the item of the just." At this the hind nodded in agreement and set off into the woods with Julia. After a days journey they came to the hiding place of Lucretia the Licentious, a brothel dedicated as a shrine to Eros. They called it a temple. Julia called it a brothel. That's just how it works.
So Julia challenged Lucretia. The heinous woman came forth, scantily clad and swaying in what she assumed was seductive. But it was not. It was vile and ugly and the sight of Lucretia's face brought tears of horror to Julia's eyes. Lucretia had obviously fallen from the ugly tree….and hit every branch on the way down.
Julia brandished the bow of Diana and fired but the harlot flared her massive nostrils, effectively deflecting the arrow. Julia realized that killing Lucretia would take more than Diana's arrows of purification so she took out the Sharp Hammer of the Righteous. Lucretia, realizing this weapon might be her downfall suddenly dragged forth a man who could not move. It was Julia's husband, paralyzed by the harlots poisonous breath and Medusa hands. "I have your husband and only I can save him." Lucretia cackled. Julia glared at the vile woman.
"Nothing can save him now. He is beyond repair because of your touch. Traumatized just like my father was by your hand. He will now forever be a vegetable and assume fetal position at all times. Do not try to trick me." And Julia raised the Hammer above her head and charged at Lucretia who then screeched and threw the paralyzed man in Julia's way as a distraction.
But Julia no longer cared about her weak husband. All she wanted to do was slay Lucretia for all her misdeeds against any woman whose husbands the harlot may have stolen. Her world now focused on that task. Cerythus, seeing Lucretia and being repulsed by her image glowed strongly and forced Lucretia back because of its purifying power. She screamed, blinded by the virginal white light, and impaled herself upon the Magnus Gladius Jackhammerus. With one final moan the harlot ceased to be and she exploded in a rain of bodily fluid that was infested with STI's. (but don't worry our heroine was protected by Diana's last minute bubble-latex-like shield that had formed around Julia and Cerythus, effectively keeping them STI free)
Now that Lucretia the Licentious was dead Julia celebrated with Cerythus. The goddess gave them blessings and gave our heroine the name Julia the Jackhammer. Julia the Jackhammer lived happily ever after, slaying evil mistresses and marrying Cerythus (who she discovered could become fully human with a spell or two).