This is a diary of some sorts but not in the conventional way. I did try to keep a diary once and it went really well … for about two days. After two days, I pretty much forgot about it, it was kind of boring anyway. Truth be told, I think it was too ordinary, and I'm anything but ordinary. That's one thing I pride myself on. Whereas everyone else wants to be normal and fit in, I don't. I know that makes me sound like one of those stupid people that think it's cool to be unconformative, but I'm really, really not. The fact of the matter is that I don't give a tiny rat's arse what people think of me thus I do whatever I feel like doing.
Anyway back to the whole diary type thing. I see this more of a conversation than a diary. I do realize this sounds extremely dumb as a conversation generally consists of at least two people talking, and no matter how mentally retarded I am I do not retain the delusion that you can talk back. You know those people that don't talk a lot? Those people that just listen to whatever it is you happen to be warbling about? Well I see this as me talking to one of those people.
I guess if this is going to be a conversation type thing, I should actually talk about something that makes sense – not that I ever make complete sense, but more than usual if you catch my drift. Lately, I haven't been doing anything even mildly exciting, and I'm not quite sure why. I said I'm not sure so obviously I have some vague idea, which is this; I've started to care what people think of me. To be more specific, what one person thinks of me. That person happens to be the one and only Christopher Garland.
Chris happens to be my best friend. I know I have quite a few (April, Laura, Tia and Chris just to name a few), but Chris is the one I have known longest and is my closest friend. I tell him absolutely everything, which is both strangely reassuring and extremely embarrassing. You may be wondering why I would suddenly start caring what he thinks as he surely must not care about all the stuff before as he's still my mate. The fact of the matter is I care because I have a crush on him. Ok, not a crush, a little bigger than that. I haven't admitted this to anyone, but I'm pretty sure I'm actually in love with him. Sad, huh?
I know what you're thinking; 'Why is she so miserable? She's in love! That's great!' Truth be told, it isn't. Great that is. I hate intimacy. Ok, ok, that's a lie I know. I don't hate intimacy, I have no problem with it, it's just feeling so much for someone scares me. Not just scares me, terrifies me! I'm not exaggerating just to make it clear. It also makes me so miserable because I know he doesn't feel the same way, no matter what he tells me. That's a fact right there.
Another thing about this whole situation that annoys the hell out of me; Chris told me he loved me. That he actually loved me. I know, I know, he's told me that before. Twice actually. This time though, he hasn't told me just once. Every time I argue with him about it, he just gets upset and asks me why I can't accept it. I have many answers to this;
Like I said, he's told me twice before. The first time it was as a friend, and the second time around, he just fancied me a bit.
After everything I've told him, after everything he's ever found out about me, it would be impossible to love me. Chris knows about the incidents, about Chloe, about everything. To be honest, I'm surprised he's still talking to me and hasn't revoked his friendship after all that stuff.
Guys have told me they've loved me before and I fell for it. I genuinely thought that someone could feel that way about me but I was wrong. Dead wrong. As soon as they found out about one of my problems, they were off like a shot, running for the hills as fast as possible. I've been a sucker in the past which brings me to …
I don't want to get hurt again. I've been hurt a lot in the past (see point 3), and obviously I don't want that again. A lot of people say that getting hurt is how you learn and experience life, but I definitely don't want to be hurt by Chris. I mean if he hurts me, I'm pretty sure it would ruin our friendship and I can't afford to loose another friend especially Chris who has stuck with me through all of me problems and knows my inner most secrets. I wouldn't be able to live with myself.
I guess this is the real reason that I can't accept it, though it seems like nothing compared to everything else, but trust me it means a lot to me. You se if I admit he loves me, I'm also admitting that I love him. This sounds really stupid but it makes perfect sense in my insane thoughts – I know that's not a comforting thought but what can I say? I'm insane – we all know it! Anyway, admitting I love him would make me exposed. All my feelings right out there on a silver platter for him to pick apart at will. I'm a person that likes to keep her feelings … well personal. I hate people knowing what I think or how I feel, I find it an unnecessary humiliation.
That brings an end to my reasons of refusing to accept he loves me that I can think of at this present moment in time, though I know there are more just waiting it surface to the fore front of my mind. There's one really funny thing about this whole Chris thing. Ok, not funny but ironic (is irony a form of humor? I shall strive to find out!). That thing is, that for six years, i.e. the entire time I've known Chris; he's always been the one to fancy me, to chase me. I've always had to be the one to reject him, gently of course, apart from those two weeks fours years ago or was it five years? I'm not quite sure, but back to the point. Apart from those two weeks that I went out with Chris as a favor to Matt (Chris' cousin), which makes me sound extremely mean and a terrible person, I've always had to reject him. Sure we've flirted, but I'm a flirty person and it's always been a part of our friendship.
I remember the last Wales trip we went on, this was about a year ago give or take a month or so. It was a great time. Chris was so sweet and such a gentleman, it was too cute! We sat next to each other on the minibus up there, this is about a six hour long journey I might add, and it was great the whole way up, or across whatever you want to call it. He made me laugh loads and hugged me occasionally. Then he started holding my hand. I know that sounds like totally year three, but he only ever does that when he proper fancies me – and we're on a trip. Usually, it just feels normal as I hold hands with a lot of my guy friends, Joe and Nathan for example, but that time, it felt special, it felt really good to be sitting next to a guy that I knew fancied me.
That probably sounds like it was just an ego-boost, but it wasn't. When I felt his warm hand enclose around my cold one – I always have cold hands, no idea why though – I felt a flicker of affection. Not friendly affection, that had been there all along, but something else, something more. I hate to admit it, but all through that week while we were flirting etc, I never told him how I felt. Everyone knew he fancied me like hell – it became a bit of a joke in the cottage – but I was just too pusyy to tell him and I don't know why.
Throughout that entire week my feelings for him grew, but I never told anyone especially him. I came close at one point to admitting it to Alice (Chris' other cousin) but I chickened out. I was too pussy to tell anyone. Me, the girl that is completely honest to the point of hurting people's feelings. Me, the girl that will just go up to someone and kiss them on a whim. I'm ashamed that I never told Chris any of this, and I doubt I ever will.
Even though I never told anyone of my feelings, and was troubled with the burden playing on my mind, that trip still holds amazing memories for me – including ones of Chris of course. Actually, all Wales trips were pretty spectacular, but at the moment I'm focusing purely on memories with Chris in them, which only accounts for the last three Wales trips.
Back to last Wales, I have so many memories with Chris at the back of that minibus, and before you start thinking dirty thoughts, we didn't even kiss. He thought I didn't fancy him, so he never tried it. Six years of fancying me and he hasn't ever tried to kiss me a single time. See what I mean by the perfect gentleman? I keep going off on a tangent, and for that I'm sorry. I do that on a regular basis, going off on a tangent that is not apologizing, so bare with me. One of the funniest moments of last Wales was riding back from Abergavvy (I think that's how it's spelt … it sounds like that anyway) it was night and completely pitch black. Alice had bought a bunch of glow in the dark bracelets, but me and Chris were just wrestling with each other over them – only play wrestling don't worry – and the glow in the sark sticks – that join up with a little thing to make a bracelet – that we were wrestling with split. The stuff went everywhere. All over the seats, the windows, my hair and Chris' crotch – which looked amazingly funny as it glowed bright white! After this little incident, Chris and me had a little conversation with our faces two centimeters away from each other. I can't remember what the conversation itself was about, but I knew Chris was going to kiss me right there and then, I couldn't have been happier, until Lesley interrupted that is. Of course after that we went back to our usual positions i.e. me with my head resting on his chest, him with his arm around my waist and his other hand holding tightly onto mine. I will never forgive Lesley for that interruption, though I know she didn't mean to do it.
That Wales, the bear fancied Chris (for your information, the bear is Lizzy. She's called the bear, as she tends to sexually harass people by hugging them way too much!). This wasn't exactly news to me as every Wales she's been on – two I think – she ends up fancying every guy there, hoping she has a chance with somebody. To be honest, I doubt anyone will ever take her – I'm not being meant, you should see her! She is seriously scary stuff, especially when she's coming towards you with her arms outstretched and you know you should run but you're backed into a corner or somewhere equally confining. Anyway, the bear fancying Chris, that was natural, whereas Jesse fancying him was not. Jesse insisted time and again before Wales that she hated Chris, and I believed her – there was a certain menace in her tone when she spoke of him. When we got to Wales, it was apparent her affection has been mislaid. It was quite funny to see her try to flirt with Chris, trying to copy what I had long ago turned into an art. It was funnier still to see Chris brush her off like an irritating fly that circled him constantly. He genuinely detested her and only had eyes for me. I used this to annoy her so much! Chris and me shared this common hatred of Jesse you see. Whenever she was around, I would flirt more outrageously than usual, and boy was she around a lot.
I know this will seem extremely mean, but on about the third day, I told Chris to flirt with Jesse. I swear down now, she literally almost wet her pants with excitement. Pretty much everyone disliked Jesse so they all knew about it and joined in with my laughter when Jesse said "I bet Chris will ask me out soon". Generally we his our sniggers and guffaws of laughter pretty well whenever she said something of this nature. Who were we to dash a young girl's dreams? There was one time I couldn't be bothered to even try to hide it from her, and we got into a bit of a fight, Not physical mind you – I condone violence generally. That was a funny conversation that went something like this;
Jesse: I always knew he fancied me.
Me: (Hysterical laughter)
Jesse: (Ignoring my laughter) There was always something in his eyes when he looked at me, something that wasn't there when he looked at anyone else.
Me: Jesse that something is called hatred, just though you should know.
Jesse: You're just jealous because he fancies me oh so much more than he has ever fancied you.
Me: Me? Jealous? How about no! The only reason he's even flirting with a stupid little girl like you is because I told him to. (Talking to Alice) Go get Chris would you? I think he'd like to see this.
Jesse: (As Alice scurries off) He wouldn't do something like that to me! He loves me!
Me: Jesse, girl, you're dreaming. He doesn't love you, in fact he hates you, almost as much as I do. By the way if you hadn't gathered, I detest you and everything about you.
Jesse: Hate me? Yeah right! If he hated me then why has he been flirting with me constantly this week?
Me: I thought we had already been over this. (Chris enters, talking to him) Hiya honey, Jesse here is rather deluded. I think we may have to take her to an insane asylum so they can administer shock therapy.
Chris: (More than slightly amused) She's delusional again? What about this time?
Me: Well she thinks you're in love with her for starters (laughter from Chris). I've been trying to explain to this moron that you don't and you've only been flirting with her because I asked you to. So Chris, what's your say in the matter?
Chris: (To Jesse) Jesse, I'm sorry if this um hurts your feelings, but Chloe is telling the truth. I don't love you, I don't fancy you, and I don't like you not even the tiniest bit. She asked me to flirt with you to see how you would react.
Me: I think that settles it, don't you?
With that Jesse ran off to the toilets to cry – I know this as the bear felt it necessary to report it back to me.
I know it was mean but I'm a mean person I guess. Another thing that's quite strange is on every trip, every Wales, every Bash, someone has always ended up fancying him. Whether it was Jesse, the bear, Sam, Lesley, Sally, Jade, Hannah; basically, it was always someone that wasn't me. This was quite unfortunate, for Chris at least, as he always fancied me, even if he never told anyone else, nor me on occasion. I don't know why he didn't tell anyone and denied it when people asked. I mean everybody knew when he did, he made it so obvious! That reminds me of this stupid Christmas party we went to last year. Pete (the DJ) decided to be funny – in his opinion at least – and put on some slow song and look pointedly at Chris. While everyone else paired up quickly, he didn't move to come over so I went with Jack! His loss!
I don't know why I'm saying all this crap, 'who cares about what's happened before?', is the opinion of many. My reasoning for remembering, reminiscing, is that what's happens in the future is dictated by the past. That's the truth, well some of it anyway. I guess the real reason I'm going over all these memories and writing them down is that I want something good to remember of Chris and me. You see there's one huge secret I haven't told Chris and I've decided I'm going to tell him, soon. After that if he still says he loves me, I will accept it, if not then I know it will obliterate our friendship because I know that he will never be able to look at me the same way again, I know that he will never respect me, I know that he will never be able to talk to me without it coming into his mind. I guess I'll go tell him now, so I think we can just carry on this conversation tomorrow.