I can't change the past, I can't foresee the future, but I know that we were meant for much more than painful memories. We did not pass through whatever hardships life has brought us, only to end up back where we first started two years ago.
It wasn't that I wanted to break up with you for him because I once did that for you; It wasn't that I love him more than you nor was it because I no longer love you; It was because I don't deserve you; because I love you too much but at the same time, not enough. You deserve someone who can love you with every fiber of their being; with all of their heart. I once was that person not too long ago, but now I'm torn in two directions and that is something you don't deserve—half a heart.
And I wanted to let you go so you can find that person who can love you better and much more than I can; someone who can give you what you need; who will give you what I no longer can. You changed for me as I had changed for you, but love should never have required for one to change. But even though I wanted to let you go so you can find what you truly deserve, I couldn't do it. I was selfish; I wanted to hold on to you for as long as possible; I wanted to continue feeling your love if only for a few extra moments. Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it mean that you are strong enough to let go. You had that strength I've never possessed.
There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept; things we don't want to know but have to learn; and people we can't live without but have to let go. To me, you are that person. It hurts to see you walk away because you were an important part of my life and the time we had shared will forever be a part of me. But what hurts me more than that is knowing that I have hurt you time and time again and for that, I am more sorry than you can ever imagine.
I do not regret what we were; I do not regret the memories; the hurt now will be worth everything we have been through because I truly love you. You have taught me what true love is; taught me what it's like to truly love—I haven't done a good job of proving my love, I would imagine, but you have shown me the joy of being in love and being loved in return—something no one else was able to show me. What I had thought was love before I met you was nothing. Our happiness; our laughter; our special moments; our sadness; our heartbreak; our memories—that was everything; I felt that more clearly than I have ever felt for anything else.
You were, in my definition, my first love; the first to hold my hand; the first to kiss me; the first date I had to a dance; the first guy who was my Valentine… two years in a row; the first to tell me 'I love you' and meant it; my first husband, and the first of many others. I thought of you often; I still do—you're frequently on my mind.
But we're just not meant to be; perhaps we never will be, but perhaps just for this moment in time. Maybe we're meant to take several detours to mature and grow until the time for us is right to be together once more. I honestly don't know but fate must have something planned for us already. Either way, I refuse to believe that after letting each other go four times, that this is how we must end up—hurt and apart; never to communicate again; to treat each other as strangers.
I can not pretend we've never been in love with each other; that I still am in love with you. I can not pretend that we never meant anything to each other; I can not. Only for a few hours have we broken up and I already miss you, but I also know… this is the way it has to be for now.
The both of us have suffered through hurting each other too much near the end, but I refuse to lose contact with you the moment you walked away from me. Perhaps the time is not now, but I hope one day we can be friends—better than the friends we were before we began dating the second time around. No matter what, I enjoyed the time I spent with you and will continue to do so if given the chance.
I would hate for our relationship mistakes to prevent us from remaining friends. The days will always be brighter because you existed in my life; the nights will always be darker because you're gone; and no matter what anybody says about sorrow and about time healing all wounds; the truth is, there are certain sorrows that never fade away until the heart stops beating and the last breath is taken—wise words from Tiffanie Debartolo which I've only understood today.
Though you have returned the necklace to me, I have still sworn to protect you until the last drop of my blood has spilled from my body. I hope you will give me the chance to keep that promise if as nothing but a friend. I still wish to be there for you in any way I can when you need someone. I also hope that I have not ruined the friendship between the two of you because of this; please do not place blame on him. If you must hate someone, hate me for having the inability to completely love someone as wonderful as you.
It is no lie nor is it an exaggeration when I say you are a wonderful person. You honestly are one of the greatest people I have ever met. I had been fully prepared to spend the rest of my life with you and give you those two children you wanted in the future as we've talked about before. I also remember you telling me that Valorie wanted me to be her mother in addition to Katie. I'm so sorry that I've ruined both of those desires.
I could fill a thousand pages telling you my thoughts of you; my feelings for you; my wishes for your happiness; but you still will not understand the depth of it all nor would I want to bring further hurt onto you after we've already parted.
Believe me when I say I'm still deeply in love with you; believe me when I say that I still love you more than you would think at this point in time; believe me when I say that I only wanted to let you go so you may find someone more worthy of your love than me; believe me when I say that I will be as selfless as you want me to be for you. And though I am hurting as well, though I have shed endless tears, though my heart is breaking, I sincerely hope you find your happiness… with whoever it may be. Even if it is not me that you find your happiness with—the happiness you need and deserve—I will smile because you smile; I will laugh because you laugh; and I will love because you love.
And if this is good-bye, may it not be permanent. I would rather you be in my life as a friend than not in my life at all. Within my heart, you will always be my Keiran.
Remember I will always love you. Always. Never doubt; never forget; never regret.
I love you.