This is the strangest feeling in the world.
I know he's not there, but somewhere, there's a fragment of me trying to find him. I've never truly let him go; I don't think I ever truly will.
But this feeling, this gut feeling I've got, it's just so weird. I know he's with her but I just want to believe that he's letting go of her… and he's still attached to me. I can't stop thinking of him. I can't stop wondering if he's thinking of me.
We never really shared much besides a need for each other, but what more do many other people share? I just need him. I still like to think that he needs me. I still like to think that in the back of his mind, there's a demon screaming "I love you and I'll always love you!!!" I can barely admit to myself that I'm still completely in love with him.
It's the strangest feeling in the world though.
This feeling that he's thinking of me. This feeling that I'm on his mind. This feeling that… this feeling… this feeling that tells me he still loves me like I love him.
But who am I to say how he feels? Or what he thinks? Who am I to judge him, to say I know him and how he works? Truth is, I don't really. I don't know him. I know almost nothing about him. I know fragments of him… but I don't know him. He knows me better than almost anyone else… It's a deadly thing, letting someone into your life and letting them try to understand you.
I can't believe I let myself open up again. I think that's why … why this happened. Why I'm sitting here being mad because he's with her and he doesn't love me, why I'm sitting here thinking of him again, why I'm… me at all.
It's the strangest feeling in the world.
I thought for a moment that he loved me still. I thought for a moment that he was going to say it. I thought for a moment that he could see in me what I see in him.
I thought we'd be happy again. I thought we'd gotten past everything else. I thought maybe we'd be us again.
But I guess I thought wrong.
a/n: I've had these thoughts swirling since around March 2006 and then it really hit big in June... it's hard to explain. This is something that I'd thought of and never really written out but now I have and it's good.
(MINETOR: do not freak. He didn't do anything. Love you, STIX.)