All you year 12s out there will soon be doing your personal statements (I suggest as soon as poss. from experience). I wrote this sometime last year to help my friend out and show her how NOT to write one.
Fake personal statement

I don't like school. I never liked school. The thought of doing any sort of studying makes me feel physically sick; however my mum says I need to go to uni and I'm looking forward to all the parties. I hate all the courses your uni offers so I was wondering if I could take some sort of course that involves watching a lot of television. When I graduate I'm going to marry someone rich so education is a bit redundant really. I always thought so. That is of course after I get my career as a pirate under way. Illegal I know but it always seems like such fun to me, with all those gorgeous Pirate Captain dudes sailing the oceans.

Work experience…erm…I bunked off all my work experience afternoons to go out and pick up guys. I told the school I was going to help out at a primary school but I made one up. They still don't know. Why would I want to do my work experience with children? Urg, nasty little things. I endeavour to hit every one I see over the head. The teachers in my first placement had a problem with this for some reason and kicked me out. Not that I care. Anyway, I think I'm perfect for doing the primary school teaching course.

I wasn't part of any responsibility groups at school. The very thought of responsibility makes me shudder and why should I help out anywhere else? What would I get out of it? And when have these people ever done anything for me? It is quite a challenge though trying to dodge doing stuff and I'd like to think I achieved full effort in these endeavours. I have been told that I have a tendency to violence, which I think is a great achievement. I'm sure everyone goes a little crazy sometimes but I like to think that I do it with style. By the way those murders had absolutely nothing to do with me.

In my free time I enjoy painting my nails, eating jelly babies and petting my dog. I like reading the gossip articles in magazines and cutting out the faces of the guys I like. So in conclusion – let me into your uni or I will hunt you down and kick your ass.

Not saying there's anything wrong with this - the unis just don't want to hear it. Hope it was vaguely amusing.