Wordless.

I am wordless.

Not speechless. I have been speechless for too long for it to mean anything. I am wordless, Thoughtless. I cannot speak, matter, think. I can only exist. I can but hope that this moment may not be my last. I can put one foot in front of the other and hope that somehow, I won't take a wrong turn. Somehow he will swoop down and save me right before I make the Fatal Last Move. Somehow he will save me. He has to. Because I cannot save myself. I cannot do this anymore. I can't suppress my tears. I sit here typing through chest racking sobs. Ridiculous heart throbbing sobs, and I'm trying so hard to make them stop, but I can't. I Can't!! I cannot stop myself anymore. I need release. I will not hold everything inside anymore. I will not let myself waste away. I'm so sick of it! I cannot go through life locking everybody out. I must not. No more. I will waste away; I will lose what little I haven't thrown away. Even now, I choke on consequences from locking myself away. I must learn from my mistakes. Nobody can stop me but me now. I know now. I AM ALONE! I am alone because I have shut everybody out and now everybody is too afraid of me to come near me. I chased away everyone. I chased away the person I love, the people I respect. I am alone and it my own FUCKING fault. MY OWN. Stop telling me it's not my fault!! LIER. YOU'RE A FUCKING LIER. It's my fault and I know it! I chased you away. Me and my clingy dependency chased you away. You're gone. Now I just have to deal with it. I must show no remorse and no sadness. You can watch my body break from afar for all I care. I love you, but I will not love you if you do not love me. I will not degrade myself in that way... But I promise you… You will have SHAME. You will be sorry…You took my fragile sickly frame, tore off my masks and began to heal me, but you gave up and left me stranded with gaping open wounds. Tears on my body, mind and soul. My soul is left gaping open because you could not heal me. You gave up on me. And I will be angry, as soon as my depression lets me be so. You will regret leaving me in the rain. You will! Oh god please let you miss me. Please. I am a weak little girl and I need you back. Please come back to me. Please don't …dontleaveme! Oh god I love you. Please…