Feb 5, 2007 Monday

My mind is like a blank slate. That is what my psychiatrist says. He tells my parents not to expect the same Kelly as before, that I've changed. My mother wants to know when I'll change back.

He doesn't know.

I have begun to wonder if people have always talked about me as if I weren't in the room, or if it's a new thing sense I lost my memory.

Feb 6, 2007 Tuesday

My brother Paul watches me. He leans against the door frame while I write. He's doing that right now.

I don't know if he knows I know he's there. I wait and wait for him to announce himself, but then I look up, and he's gone.

Feb 7, 2007 Wednesday

Today, my father told me about the car wreck that I don't remember. My boyfriend was driving and he died. My mother cried. I feel bad, not because I'm upset, but because I'm not. Any death is bad, I suppose, but it seems horrible that I don't remember it.

They want to know if I want to go to the funeral. I wasn't sure what to say. It's next Sunday.

Feb 8, 2007 Thursday

My mother took me aside today after breakfast and informed me that some friends of mine are coming over for a visit tomorrow. I'm not sure what to do with this information. I have no idea who my friends are.

Paul continues to watch me closely. I wonder what his relationship was with the "old" Kelly.

Feb 9, 2007 Friday

The girls have just left. Four of them, maybe five, I lost count, can't remember their names. First they all said they were sorry about Boyfriend, and then were "so totally weirded out" by my less than perfect memory, finally they left in a cloud of giggles and offhanded goodbyes.

I wonder about the person I must have been, and I don't think I like her very much. The way those girls talked about how "sad" it was that Boyfriend was gone, but not to worry, there are so many other guys who'd love to go out with me, it made me sick. I didn't know Boyfriend, but I can't imagine he deserves to be replaced so quickly.

Mother is glad that I'm getting along with my friends. She asked me twice if I was sure my memory hadn't come back.

Feb 10, 2007 Saturday

Paul stood in my doorway, but when I looked up, he hadn't vanished. We met eyes and he asked "are you faking it because you don't want to admit to Mom and Dad that you were drinking?" I didn't say anything at first, but then I asked him if I drank a lot.

"Yeah," he said, "yeah, you do. You and your jock ass boyfriend." And he left. I almost reminded him that Boyfriend is dead, but I'm sure he knows.

Feb 11, 2007 Sunday

We went to church. Paul didn't want to go, but my mother made him. They didn't know I could hear them fighting downstairs. Mother insisted he go "for the family" that maybe it would help bring my memory back. Paul said this was bull shit, that he didn't usually go, so it would in no way help my memory, it might even make it work.

Neither of them said anything on the way to church, or through the service, which I didn't entirely understand. I wonder if a lot of things that are supposedly "normal" are actually just a fake family life that my mother has been creating.

Our minister said he'd pray for me.

I just remembered that I'm supposed to turn this into my psychiatrist tomorrow, then must start anew. I don't think I like having to give up my past, what little I have of one.