Mon Fantome

It didn't take long for me to figure out I was dead. When the tenth person ignores you it's kind of hard not to get that impression. Seeing my body squashed under a car of course helped the process along. Don't get me wrong, when I say squashed I mean beneath or perhaps even situated under the motor vehicle of death. I personally think I looked pretty good for a dead person. Being alive would naturally make me look even better but I'll work with what I've been given.

Some of you may be asking at this point in time "why are you telling me this?" or even "how'd you get hit?!". The answer to both is "I dunno". If I have been struck by a rather heavy, metal object moving at about 100x the velocity of an unladden african swallow, do you honestly expect me to know that kind of thing?!

But I digress about cars and my apparent lack of knowledge. Because I have places to go, people to haunt and pictures to be captured in. The usual ghost stuff.

Oh bugger. Where've I gotten myself to now? There was an irritating looking girl in front of him and an unfamiliar place all around him. A very pink and frilly place. That is to say he hadn't the foggiest where he was.

"Aw, it didn't work!" her voice was high pitched and had a slight whine to it. Unknown girl confirmed to be as irritating as a girl can get.

"What didn't work!? Where am I and what have you done with my body you... ...thing!"

As he did not recieve a response a fair assumption would be that this girl was merely a complete and utter idiot summoning ghosts when she, in fact, had no sixth sense what so ever. So...I'm...stuck here until she notices me? BALLLSSSSSS!

Despite the wannabe psychic's stupidity and wanton obsession with the paranormal she didn't notice him knocking lamps off of tables, writing "RedRUM" on her walls in what appeared to blood or him whispering in her ear about the water bra he'd discovered in her dresser. She definately needs it. So breast enlargment tools aside he was, in layman's terms, up sht's creek without a paddle. And boy does it smell in here! I thought women were supposed to be CLEAN! Though, decidedly, this was a girl and most certainly not a woman.

"Oi, you with the tiny boobs, nooootice meeeeee! I want to...yeh know, do stuff other than sit in your smell room and watch you read girly magazinessssss! Ooooohhhhh I'm a ghooooossssttttt!"

He was presently standing right in front of her bed waving his arms about like a maniac. He, Hugh Faust, was being ignored. Which, I suppose, is normal. He sighed and plunked down on the carpeted floor-he tried not to think of what had been on this floor before him. She better not have animals. Because if she has a-

"D-D-DOOOOGGGGG!!!" he screeched as the rust coloured canine pushed its way through the door and sat right in front of him.

"N-Nice do-doggy, d-d-don't bark now, ju-just go away! I'm a ghoooosssttt spoooookkkyyy! FEAR ME DAMMIT!"

A pair of black eyes fixed on him and the mouth turned up into a malicious grin. Then, from the flapping doggy lips, a growl burst forth. Ohhhh Gooodddd it's going to kill meeee!!

Which, amazingly seemed to catch the girl's-who was lying on her bed-attention. Finally.

"Oh M G! Is there...a ... spearit in the room Pumpkin?!"

...Did she just say...what is the world coming to?! And who names their dog Pumpkin, honestly! He's probably embarassed as hell to go out on walks being called Pumpkin. The injustice!

Again "Pumpkin" growled in his general direction sending a tremor of fear through the his spirit body. Though he doubted the dog would be able to do anything to him Hugh did not want that girl to badger him about the details of his death-which, by the way, he still didn't know. Plus she would no doubt think he was rugged and therefore handsome, which would lead to her wanting him to "stay together forever". Like in one of those shojo mangas where the only thing they can say between two dudes who clearly love each other is "omg, I want to stay with you forever". And I most certainly do...NOT want to be stuck here forever! I need to haunt my sister and that stupid guy from my class...and the teacher who failed me in kindergarten! Miss B I'm coming for you!!

"Wow, I guess it did work after all! Hey spearit, are you there?"

He would have slapped his forhead with his hand had said hand not passed through his head. Which was freaky and cool at the same time. So he delayed in responding for a minute or so to put his hand through his head, torso and the girl's flat chest. Ha! I groped you and you didn't know it! ...Bitch.

"Yes, I most certainly am here and it's SPIRIT not spEArit. ...stupid twit."

"Huh? Is there someone there? Who just called me a twit?!"

In such a situation there was only one thing to do, he decided.

"Botherbotherbotherbotherbother!" the boy ran in a circle around her.

Bothering aside he was once again bored out of his skull. Apparently the girl could only hear him if he really, really, insulted her. That's too much work...I'm tired... Seeing as he was a spirit Hugh could only sit there and try not to fall through the floor- sleeping wasn't an option. The spirit looked at his see-through feet. He wanted to sob. Now how am I supposed to win that award for being superbly handsome and modest? Oh...my feet a disapearing.

"Wait a tic! WHY ARE MY FEET DISAPEARING!? YOU CAN'T LEAVE, I NEED YOU TO WALK!"

...Eh...nevermind. I don't much feel like walking anyhow. Maybe I'll just...sit here for a bit. Oops, don't wanna go through the wall.

"You."

"Huh?"

"You with no feet."

He looked up slowly and let out a strangled scream. Oh M G he's all bloody and his arm is gone!! ...What am I supposed to say!? 'Hello person who is bloody and also has no right arm'? Ah...he's taaaallll.

"Idiot, you really screwed yourself over."

"I didn't! ...what?" Oh, has my brain buggered off now? I can't even speak proper now!

"Clueless and incomprehensibly ugly. What a combo."

"Who're you calling ugly?! You've got no arm!"

That earned him a look which including one raised eyebrow, one smirk and a short bark of laughter. "Yes I have."

"W-Wha..." then he got it. And he howled while trying to quote the next line, "Look!"

"It's just a flesh wound."

The other, bloodier ghost tucked a loose strand of uneven crimson stained hair behind his ear, "you'll keep disapearing if you don't get that girl to notice you."

Hugh could only stare-how did he do that?! My hand goes right through my face! Plus the other boy's features had returned to a frown sprinkling his already sorrowful face with a deeper sadness, the type which no doubt made people want to help the unwilling amputee. Had they been alive that is.

"Moving things requires spiritual energy, and because you've only just died you don't have much to spare. If you keep at the way you are soon you'll be just another residual and well, that's no fun."

"Spiritual...energy? But how do I get it back now? I've already written redrum on her walls, knocked her lamps off their tables and she didn't even notice!"

"Yeah well...she's an idiot. Don't worry, I'll help you get back your energy," somehow the offer sounded as if it were coming from an executioner. Or at least a police officer who had caught you drinking when you were under-age.

He cocked his head, "how are we going to do that?"

"I'll give you some. But in return..."

Oh I knew it! There's always a catch! Always! This had better not involve sexual favours...because if it does...I'd be totally screwed!

So as I said, it didn't take me long to figure out I was dead. And it didn't take me much longer to figure out that I was getting myself into way more trouble than I could have imagined.

END CHAPTER ONE