i wish i could say that when i want to write, the words flow out of my fingers like india ink - beautiful and black, spilling across the white page. forming words that i could never get to come out of my mouth right. feelings my mind couldn't begin to comprehend turn stiff as starch and - so right! lay on the page for me to read so i can understand. so i can expand. so i can evolve, let me love, let me live. let me revolve around your earth, your universe, your sun and your moon. i want to become something much greater - i want to be incredible. i want my powers to be flowers to be smelled the world over; i want my heart to fall apart to make you happy. to make you all happy. i want mankind to understand, to have the world in the palm of my hand, and i'd give it all to you. unpretty, what a pity.

i want to be electric want to make those miles into minutes want the caffeine rush to set us free. want my miles of veins to run as though i'm running and i'm finally free and i'm making this earthquake making this earth shake for you and me. i'm gonna set up a storm so no one can warn you get you caught in the updraft and swept to the bottom of the sea; create art so grand even the grains of sand will all bend down at their nonexistent waists for elegancy, you and me, controversy, honey can't you see? give me love in lights give me red-eye flights give me prozac and caffeine to keep me awake and accented with italics and boldface! let me cut and paste let me smash the faces of all those artists who thought they were making a difference; DADA andy warhol kandinsky (she loves warhol, if she were smart she'd be on my side of the fence). appreciate, deliberate.

i wanted to be tall i wanted to be small i wanted to be above it all. i wanted a million dotted lines to connect us by our heartstrings from here to there. i wanted so much more than we were given i wanted to know our reason for living i wanted to create art from my heart not from my head tell me what to do and i'll continue to do it. continue to be angry and sad and bitter always runner-up, pinch hitter; carve your name into the park bench carve your words on the inside of my skull and i'll read the instructions on how to live how to breathe how to walk on water how to be a better daughter how to be a mother and a lover and how to become something greater than anyone ever expected. it'll be hard and i'll be hard and you were always hard when i got around you pressed your electric skin against my own.

i wish i could say i never stayed up at night fighting trying to avoid a fight because you were trying to control me; didn't take the time to know me. let me see let us be me let us be free. twenty four hours we made out rounds strode to infinity in leaps and bounds boundless lightheaded groundless. give me klonopin and OCD universe-y oh so dirty! caspian sea eternally through the balkans and past italy; ireland then finland then greenland to swaziland; japan iraq iran; give me wales germany latvia and the bbc. give me usa have it YOUR way fast food bright lights just for you and me. let you fly around the world let you find a better girl think there's someone out there waiting for you who's better than me. and she's smart and she's divine and she's gonna break you mine but you said you would wait for me. would you wait for me? will you wait for me? does your heart break for me?

yes, napoleon, i will vote for you. i'll always be on your team.

in your honor.