Be sad. Be defiantly misunderstood. Be sixteen and insistent that instead of going through puberty, you were emo before it was cool to be emo. Be a girl. Be slightly underweight because popular people don't bone fat chicks. Be rebellious and always tell your parents that they're never there because it's something that they never like to hear. Notice that after arguing with them, they eventually turn on each other to keep the yelling going. Zone out on the nearest music player, or better yet, computer. Know everything you can about drugs, alcohol and sex off the internet and act like you've tried it all. Make blog in order to back up these statements. Add variety by posting song lyrics and depressing poetry. Never let your friends at school know that you're faking. Instead, make friends elsewhere. The kids who smoke are always cool, so start exercising your lungs with Marlboro Reds. Hang around with your highschool reject friends at the local Starbucks with an iPod and a tall, no-whip green tea frapuccino. Quote nihilist writers when talking to them about your classmates. This makes you both profound and more misunderstood. Get all your clothes from Hot Topic, and if dad's card is declined then stick to People Are People. Dad's too busy fighting with mom about the usual bills anyway. Besides, the goal is to look like a rockstar. Make sure you know your rock. Everything from A Perfect Circle to Zeromancer must be catalogued in your brain. Nevermind that you've run out of space to memorize the table of elements. The entire discography of the Smashing Pumpkins can get you free food if you talk to the right guys.

Get an after-school job at the nearest music store, if not then coffee shop will do. During break, when you're not being being bored or bitter with your smoker friends, try on the sample make-up at the department store and learn how to use just enough eye shadow to get raccoon eyes like Avril. She might suck to the hardcore fans but the idea is that you're hotter than her, and that you can get away with it. Start hanging out with Dave, the music store bum because he's got all the Eraserheads albums, smokes the same brand as you and his friends are in a band. On Friday night, when he finally offers, join them for San Mig Lights outside 7-11 and stick around till four in the morning. Mention nothing about a curfew even though you have one. You're not a child.

Set your eyes on Jack. Pick him because he plays bass and was the first guy to say hi to you when Dave introduced you to the guys. After drinking, hitch a ride with Jack even though your house is nearby. Always ask if he wants to hang around the curb for a while so you can keep out of your house a little longer and he can sober up.

When Jack puts his arm around you, don't shy away. Don't complain that your first kiss tastes like beer, you probably do too, anyway. Start dating Jack because you're now the Nancy Spungeon to his Sid Vicious. Keep on dating Jack and swear that you're never turning into Courtney Love.

Try to think of something else the first time you end up in Jack's bed. Avoid focusing on the dirty sheets and the shabby posters on the wall, all of these will just turn you off. Instead, pretend that it's five years later and that you're in some hotel room, waiting for Jack to finish pouring your champagne. Don't complain that it's too rough, too fast, or exactly what you thought you'd hate about it. Just be thankful that it's over quickly. Never, ever say it hurts.

Always show up for their gigs even though they're just at basketball courts and cheap beerhouses. When the bouncer asks for I.D., act pissed and tell him that you're with the band. The moment he scowls, glare and tell him to get Jack. At the front row, scream like the groupie that you are and make eye contact with the single girls watching ever so often. Let them know that you've got something that they don't have.

Have trouble trying to remember the last time you were at your place in C.A.T. formation and flag ceremony. Disguise your hangovers with a recurring stomach flu and spend the day in the clinic texting Jack with the cellphone that you sneaked in when the C.A.T. officers were busy inspecting other people's bags . Live only for gigs, inumans, and clubbing.

Have obscenely loud fights with Jack in public places that leads to quick, rough sex in public places. Whenever you start to feel gross or dirty, tell yourself that you're dating a rock god and this is how it's always going to be. Turn a blind eye the first few times that you hear that Jack is sleeping with other girls because he's in a band and that's what rockstars do. Instead, break up with him over something petty and never explain. Do not cry.

Start dating Johann, their drummer to get even. Nevermind that Johann's a pothead. He has his own place and the dope lowers his sex drive anyway. Whenever your mom takes the time out to ask where you've been, tell her you had a study session at your best friend Hannah's and you slept over. Never mention that you stopped talking to Hannah back in first year because she's such a prep.

Don't tell Johann that you're breaking up with him because he doesn't like wearing a condom. Instead, tell him that you're just not over Jack.

Get back together with Jack long enough to remember that he's an absolute mistake. Once he starts threatening to kill you and tries to prove it by throw beer bottles at you, call the baranggay tanods and tell them that you don't even know the guy. Make sure that B.J., the guy who played rhythm for two sessions knows and is there to comfort you.

Tell B.J. that you want to learn how to play guitar. Be thankful that he doesn't make passes at you. Know that it's not that he doesn't like you or that you're not hot, it's just that you're fucked up. Pride yourself on knowing that there's something wrong with you because it's easier to write songs when you're depressed. At home, lock yourself in your room and keep trying to learn with the aid of guitar chords on song hits.

Don't answer the door when your mother starts knocking on it, asking you why you're home so early and what you're doing in there. Translate her lines of 'we need to talk' and 'I'm worried about you' as cheap tricks to avoid the inevitable. Don't bother screaming back when your dad starts yelling that you should open the door 'this instant'. Take the muffled voices as a cue that the fight has moved back to where it usually is.

Focus on the guitar tabs on the song hits and try learning something simple like "More Than Words" because it only has three chords to memorize. Start playing even though your fingers stumble more than glide across the fret board the first time around. Remind yourself that you're done being a groupie. That you're done having to flirt your way into being the center of the whole universe. Tell yourself that the spotlights are on you now, and that you're ready to go where you were supposed to be a long time ago.